too much of a good thing

One of my biggest fears for this 5+ months of Once-in-a Lifetime freedom, is that I won't 'make the best of it' or accomplish what I wanted to do with it.

So the reason why I wanted to take up to a year off the rat race, was to re-focus on my inner self and who I was - instead of what society wanted us to do. To use the time to try a myriad of non-med stuff, to see what made me tick, and what I valued at work and in life.

Along the way I realized that there wasn't a better time in-between jobs to try something crazy like a language immersion program, so that's why the heck it let's go to Korea. But that wasn't my primary or first aim. Travel was never the aim. The long, long years ahead of me were the ultimate goal.

So lest I forget - and thanks to the article that gave me inspiration in the shower - the focus for these 5+ months will be Purposeful Learning and Open-minded Exploration.

Purposeful Learning: It's too easy to while away time hoping for a better life, or a different life, or clicking on random bits of interesting things on the web/phone (no thank you technology). And as contrived as it may be...learning may be more efficiently scheduled in my day if I make a sort of 'program' or 'schedule' for it. Coz I tend to procastinate and work in spurts of inspiration. Nothing much wrong too - overly structured environments put me off - but I guess a ballpark idea with leeway to work around would be a good way to start. And a step up would be purposeful learning - the best way to achieve mastery in something.

Open-minded Exploration: when I'm stuck in the little box labeled Things A D* Should Do, one really doesn't get much opportunity - or tend to think out of the box - to explore possibilities or worlds outside of it. Worlds that they possibly may excel in, really enjoy, or heck - even make a living out of - as an alternative to their current life.
But because we've spent most of our formative years steeped in a culture that pushed us a seek out a narrow goal - then reach the Perceived Pinnacle of Success in that, we don't really consider opportunities and have kinda lost the natural curiosity to explore other things. (Or we may dismiss them as being not possible/silly/we aren't good enough.) So this is a chance for me to get rid of such pre-conceived notions, and make a concerted effort to explore what I didn't have the chance to previously.



Okay some ideas for myself - 

• Main programs: (1) job-shadowing and (2) language learning
• Hobbies to devt: (1) photography
• Necessary evil: part-time work for the dough

Background learning (for lifelong habits).
additional time can be spent on each if i'm inspired to.

• Reading - 1h, 4-5d/wk. 
• Art / photography / design - 1h, 4d/wk.  purposeful learning/practice
• Finance / World knowledge - 1h, 3d/wk
• Exercise - 0.75h, 4-5d/wk
• Bible - 0.15h, 5d/wk

Reflection

• Daily - events, things learned, things that could be done better, prayer.
• Weekly - review
• Monthly - review

Was a bit ashamed to realized that I left out prayer in my initial schedule :( 

Okay this makes for approx 2h on weekdays and 3h on weekends on the above background learning. This is to be on top of the homework/self-study for language for school / work shifts / entertainment / meetups. plan sounds good :)

Respite (VI, by the way)

It's done. the 2 extra painful weeks back in the Mothership are over.

Perhaps I was somewhat insulated and slightly distant from it, and thus did not hear the bitching - I'm glad nonetheless.

PD wanted to meet me before I left, so I dragged myself over. today.
His spiel was that so I think you have lost your way a little bit....it comes across that you are just doing survival work and just want to clear the list....if you decide to come back, you need to put in more effort. your work performance has dropped and it's likely due to the lack of interest etcetc...
I'm not a fan of others 'diagnosing' or 'jumping the gun' based on amorphous non-specific examples, so i asked for specifics. after a few times of asking, he said no one wanted to check your CT Bs coz there were so many corrections to be made. If you come back you need to prove them wrong.

I was quite frustrated indeed - after 1 year of doing calls, and the once-off angry comments that my font size/font was wrong and you missed sinus mucosal thickening -it's important in headaches! and  you missed artherosclerosis in the angio, if you had more specific things I'd appreciate the feedback instead of bitching about it internally. So there are the silly things like 'font size different' which I have adjusted to after coming from other hospitals...and other things like missing a finding here and there which honestly, is expected - everyone will make mistakes - and happens to everyone including sr cons.
I was just frustrated about
1. How a few vocal noisemakers had influenced others' impressions about me over little things
2. If it were troubling you so much, why not tell me instead of bitching about it for a year? And taking the chance to call and bellow loudly in front of the department about small things
3. Since when are night calls not about survival? Do you mean you don't have the intention of clearing the list, but approach on-call work with a dignified unhurried air of academic enquiry? Come on. Our meals on call are in survival mode. Our sleep, if any, is fitful and light - ready to wake up and read more scans or attend to emergencies. The xrays and emergency scans are not undertaken leisurely - we are basically just trying to handle the work given to us.
4. Don't judge me if you haven't seen my usual day-to-day work as well as attitude. That's jumping the gun. And don't speculate on the causes for your (wrong) diagnosis.


Upon returning to N|HC I was quite upset for the rest of the afternoon. N finally asked me about it when I had to check scans with him, and out came my words tumbling over each other....about how I didn't want to struggle so long against the current (against current - as evidenced by my already uphill battle with exams, and the grumbling feedback i've gotten) and exit only to be viewed as a lousy con. He explained about taking opinions with a pinch of salt, and also depending on the person dishing it out. He also alluded to the more vocal ones in the group tending to make more noise - even if the opinions weren't that warranted....and that everyone has things to learn. I shared that I was discouraged by not getting through exams, and he was beside himself in frustration trying to explain that no, they aren't difficult and can be done. And i mentioned how it was frustrating being treated like a service, with no respect to our need for focus and concentration on call - he did a well-intentioned spiel on how it's difficult but it will pass.
And also mentioned that maybe PD did that spiel thinking that it would spur me on... uhhh okay
I showed him my webbie of photos and drawings and he got a shock and after a while declared that he was going to 'make me famous'. I was quite horrified and said please don't...the reason why I don't tell others about my hobbies is because they view it as frivolous/would be inclined to view me as a 'distracted resident' and pin it as an 'explanation' for bad results.

Thanks, N, for the pep talk. It means a lot to me, whether I stay or not.....you'll be a good dad to your kids! haha.
And thanks for seeing me as a person beyond exams! Thanks for appreciating my daily work (in the short few days I had when i returned to you all), my other interests....



Right now my main bugbears are:
I don't want to prove people wrong. I don't have to. I don't need to. It's sad living like that. And whether it's even worth the effort is arguable.....i don't have to - or need to - prove my worth.

The culture is just toxic. Words can hurt, and unfair judgement is uncalled for. If you're not happy - sure, you can vent - but keeping it to a little group and not telling the person won't change anything. Of course that's assuming you even want it to change - some others are just happy making noise about less than ideal circumstances and running others down.



Enjoy yourself and have a good rest! See you in 6 months'....
I'm not so sure, N....but i'll take the 6/12, treasure them a whole lot, and have a good think...whether it's worth suffering for this.

What an eventful last day of leave. 

Dragged myself to church, having slept late the night before (sigh).

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

on choosing work.

'Finding your calling', or 'passion' - these have been bandied around too much these few days. Definitely overrated.

I think it oversimplifies the stressors of life, romanticizes the idea of work.....for many of us (yes, even in my comparatively-privileged circles) work is a necessity to pay the bills.

So when my program director asked if i 'still had the passion' for the field, and 'what my calling was', I didn't know how to respond. Not because I was stumped (well honestly I still don't know the answer), but I wanted to yell that life's not as simple as that.


At the very basic level, I think work needs to fulfill its function:
- pay the bills.

Then because I'm looking for more out of work, I also wish that it:
- is something that I'm good at
- is something that i'm appreciated for
- is something that benefits others (note: this should not restrict one to ideas of 'service' or traditionally 'altruistic' jobs. A baker can well benefit others by making wonderful cakes. )

And because an unhappy person is unlikely to produce good work, it should also:
- not be detrimental to my wellbeing.


That's it. Simple theory. Perhaps a tad idealistic. I know there are many who don't *love* doing administration or crunching numbers, and they don't feel that staring at spreadsheets benefits people.....but I do hope that I can fulfill those criteria and find a satisfying job.

Yes, i'm aware of the fact that I've been blessed with many options and the chance to choose.



As for the so you lost the passion for this field? question that keeps getting put to me,
I struggle to explain. Because passion ain't everything. The more enlightened people who aren't in the intoxicating puppy-love stage will know: love ain't everything.

An analogy would be such:

You meet a girl, she's pleasant and you feel that hey, this may lead to something. So you give it a try and see where it goes. You aren't playing with her feelings or anything, but I don't think that anyone would fault you from hesitating to say that 'ohmygawd this is the love of my life and I know it in my bones that she's the perfect match for me!!'.

So you give it three years. Through this time, you realize that although you guys hit it off really well in the first few months....she actually has an idea of what she wants you to be. Specifically, some kinda pro dancer guy. With all the cool moves. Actually she's had a history of going out with dancer types, and it kinda disturbs her that you're a tad different.

And you don't dance, but you try. You can learn a few moves, ain't the worst dancer around, but it's like a kind of expectation that you've to struggle to meet to keep her happy. Well you get along okay for the first year or two, but it's quite tiring to keep trying to live up to her expectations and show her that you can be the guy she wants you to be.

What you're really good at, is music. And singing. And drawing. In fact you're pretty great at all these, and your previous girlfriend actually loved you for exactly that. (but at that time she wanted you to dedicate your life to that industry - and you weren't quite prepared to, so you broke it off).
The current girl, however, doesn't quite care about what you're good at - in fact she views your propensity for those arty-farty stuff as a tad effeminate.

Oh, and your current girl has set some goals for you. To perform in dance competitions every year. You aren't quite on track - missed a competition or two - but you're going for dance classes and generally a good student. You defo feel judged though, looking at how all the other boys she dated were generally outstanding in that field. She doesn't quite care that it's not really who you are.

What should you do?


So here's what I think:
You need to choose your suffering. In other words, choose what you want to suffer for.

Is the current girl worth you trying constantly - perhaps for a lifetime - to work hard to live up to her standards? Are you content in the knowledge that you may not be 'good enough' in her eyes?
Are you prepared to forego your own likes, dislikes, and what you're really better at - to become something she wants you to be, and for what you feel is a possible future together with her?

Your ex also kinda hinted that she's willing to consider getting back together. But the old problem that caused the breakup still exists - you'll have to dedicate your life to that industry that she knows you're good at. At the moment though, you know that work ain't your whole life, and there's more that defines you than just doing the things you're good at for work.

Coz you also enjoy reading good books, lazing on the sofa with a dog or two (shoutout to Liz here), and generally having fun and a holistic life that's outside that little couple-world.

for the coming week

Father in heaven,

please give me courage and wisdom for the coming week:

to finish up my paper
to hand in my resignation
to handle the questions that follow
and to start the search, anew, for the next job.

please also guide me in my interaction with starfish - i honestly don't have much hope for this, but hope that it can at least end on a good note.

courage, wisdom....to know what to say, when to keep quiet, when to make a move, when to stand still, and when to walk away. I know you've been around me all through my journey thus far....now, more than ever, i'm feeling hesitant and doubtful. I really need to feel you there and have you guidance.

Amen.


Teach me your ways, O Lord;
    make them known to me.
5 Teach me to live according to your truth,
    for you are my God, who saves me.
    I always trust in you.
Psalms 25:4-5

Parting gifts

I do believe that others sometimes see us clearer than we do/than we know ourselves. We do have our blind spots, our misconceptions, our (sometimes misguided) beliefs about ourselves and how we'd like to view ourselves. That's why I try - or my rational-other-brain tries to put the brakes on and ask Hey girl are you missing something here?

You've known me for "4 years, since 2012"...

"...strikes me as someone who is full of energy and curiosity, always wanting to learn more and do more"

"...is also very driven, and will do her best to achieve what she sets out to do. As such, she is able to get things done, and within the given time."

"Academically she has no problems coping with the demands of acquiring the necessary knowledge and qualifications for her medical training, and more. During ward rounds and academic discussions, she is able to present her assessments and opinions logically and intelligently."

"She likes to find things out for herself, and asks relevant questions. She is capable of independent learning. 

I've to say that i do value your opinion a lot; you're hands down my top role model in all my years of work - not because of just the technical genius, but also the self-sacrificing attitude - with a heart directed towards God. 

It is with much sadness that i concluded so many years back that i'm too weak by myself to be able to give so much of myself away, to serve as you do - that is why I did not follow in your footsteps. (of course, now i know that the strength comes not from within us, but from Him...oh well)

I know that i'm not supposed to base my self-worth on others' opinions of me; so i'm going to use this as much-appreciated feedback from a respected mentor, and also reminders of what to aim for, and what i may not realize i'm capable of. And a reminder of the blessings that God has given me: a wonderful opportunity to work with people who are happy to teach, guide (work- wise and personal-wise), and who are awesome role models, and who are affirmative and encouraging. 

I've been blessed indeed, although i may always realize it. ;)

Going home

Post-call and winding down after meeting a happy ex-lawyer for lunch (maybe not totally ex-, just happy in-house), g-liu called and asked to speak to me.

His concern was that while he was happy to write a favorable form for me, he felt that the admissions team would look askance as to my choice of academic referee: 1 month-long tutor, in the middle of uni. I sheepishly explained the need for an acad referee vs work referee, and how I couldn't ask my current bosses.


So that's how I ended up cabbing down to that pte hospital. Everything is still etched in my mind as it was just yesterday. Feeling fateful as I walked through the corridors, opened the doors to your clinic, saying hi to the CA who recognized me (but for the life of me I couldn't remember her name).

I uneasily sat across you and stammered as I tried to explain why I was here.

Where do I start?
What do I say?
How do I explain?
Which do I explain?

It all came out in a jumble: How I wasn't enjoying the current job - I think a convenient analogy about fussing over nodules was used to illustrate the excessively inward-looking vibe that I got (to which you protested that it was but a small part of the specialty). How I was planning to move into administration, keep options open.

You asked if it was necessary to leave clinical medicine. If I've considered other specialties - I said yes, I have... If i had considered other specialties- I said yes I declined IR and there's the option of uro RP. Then you asked what if I was offered residency.

There was a tangy silence that hung in the air for a few moments, before I exhaled and said, painfully, that it wouldn't solve the reason why I left in the first place: because I wanted to be more hands-on raising kids.

After some silence, you said It's okay, different people treasure different things in life, and it seems like I've already thought through my options, and that admin may provide the work life balance I'm looking for.

After a bit of jokes and half-serious teasing that you're wont to do,  and you explaining why YCJ was on the calendar cover (it did feel like the old days again, where I'd ask curious questions and you'd patiently answer them), we parted ways with a firm handshake and a smile.


I left the hospital and walked towards tanglin, tears welling up in my eyes.

Did you know that I never said goodbye to you all,  because I didn't want to mentally confirm to both you all and myself that I was really leaving? That I still really loved working there, and that it was because of circumstances - that I'm not sure you guys would misconstrue as lack of interest - that was the reason for me not joining? I called Jo and cried. He had wise words for me....and reminded me that you had worked very hard, and that I needed to be aware of the full picture.

On Friday I popped by your clinic to get the letter.: All the best, you said.

stumbling on memories

I'm trawling through my external HDD in an attempt to find a tutorial group photo to jolt the memory of an ex-tutor/find some old documents.

Opening up the photos from 2009 - a good 6 years ago - photos of us suddenly appear, slotted amongst the other photos of my classmates and i horsing around.

What strikes me is that i can't care less about how pimply or unfashionable i looked during my school days - but all i realized was that i looked happy. and you looked happy. You're your usual boyish down-to-earth self, and we're making those stupid funny faces and i'm pouting. I used to be way more self-conscious about how i looked, and i recognize the slight awkwardness in the way the girl in the photo posed and smiled. But hey, she didn't feel ugly in front of the boy who took the photos. 

Set after set of photos come up, folders playfully labelled with our pet names for each other. 

Then I realize how much things have changed -

it's 6 years on, and you're getting married next month. Once upon a tim we (unwisely) promised to be each others' 'special friend' forever, but the current reality is far from it - it's impratical and unfair to the people who will be significant others in our lives. I've been through more short-lived ill-fated heartbreaks than i think my heart and spirit can bear, some of which you know about, too - because i get so heartbroken i turn to you (of all people) for wise advice.

In fact, these photos were taken 1-2 years after we 'broke up' - after I broke up the relationship - because I couldn't imagine an intimate life together. 

Til now, i'm not quite sure whether i made a silly mistake. So at the grand old age of 20 I decide that I wasn't (at that point in time) as physically attracted as i thought a person should be - and I couldn't imagine progressing to marriage like that. Perhaps it was an excuse for something else, for attraction i felt to other people. So I broke up with the person i still consider to be the one who understands me the best: used to, 'til we inevitably drifted apart, because your then-girlfriend now-fiance (rightly) felt uncomfortable with how intellectual close we remained to each other.

I can't help but be drawn to the unabashedly real emotions on the photos. Youth, perhaps? in the meantime Spotify manages to reach one of the most heartwrenching songs possible for this moment, and i can't help collapsing into tears:

地方對 年份錯 都遺憾
人海中心 如捉伊因 卻沒法抱緊
日子對 名字錯 不幸
掏盡幾多光陰 不襯便不襯
誰要花一生尋遍遠近 那個散落的吻
已預約於這地球等

是對的 終於會碰到
是錯的 不管再美好
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

耀眼的 即使似瑰寶
但已經有別人擁抱
一早編好的情人 早晚 始終會等到

埋怨相識他遲了半秒 錯過美妙心跳
你遇過的心動人物 有生一天總找對了

是錯的 再動人
纏著錯的 難免徒勞
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

是你的 終於會碰到
別太早 替未來苦惱
只差一點好時辰 主角始終會等到
苦澀只不過鼓舞

After all the times i came all scarred and bloody from heartbreak inflicted by other people, I'm not sure if you'll ever ever know how much you meant to me - and how much i treasure those memories.

Thank you for having loved this very flawed person, for growing together with me, for continuing to care for me as a friend now, for helping me to grow into the woman i am. I hope you forgive me for the hurt i've inflicted, and I hope you continue to grow into the wise man that you've turned out to be. 

Have a blessed marriage, and i'm sincerely happy for the journey you've embarked on. 

of cowardice and irresponsibility

Yesterday you asked me if my love had lessened.

How do I explain that I still loved you, and it took lots of tears and prayer and well-meaning friends to try to reduce the pain in me? I replied truthfully, that I was trying to make the pain go away.

You said, so if you returned to find me in the future....I wouldn't have feelings for you anymore? That there was a chance that I may leave totally?

I asked what your plan was - was it to see if your marriage worked out - and if it didn't, I would still be around?

...to which you mumbled that the 'feelings would probably have subsided somewhat.'



Do you know what an awful time i'm having? To not be interested in work, my usual hobbies, and eating? If the feelings had subsided, I wouldn't be in such a crappy position. I wished I felt less.

You said you felt as horrible. And that you hope that I will meet a guy who knows how to love me more than you do, and who can devote himself to me....not someone like you.

It's not my battle to convince you to stay. As much as I'd like to step in and yell and arm-wrench you into doing something sensible instead of hurting all 3 people at once, this isn't for me to fight. Because you need to want this enough. And knowing you, you'd accept nothing unless you were sufficiently convinced of it yourself. 

It's true that I will likely meet someone else who loves me. However I may not meet someone who shares such a connection; someone whom I like so much.

Perhaps the taiwan trip would be good for you - out of sight and perhaps out of mind, you'd be able to fully convince yourself of your chosen life with her - and once that reality is tangible enough for you, the memories we share will fade into the background.

But i've a ton of questions:
Did your love for her never falter?
Is it still the same?
How do you love two people at once?
If you don't love one, why do you stay?
Is staying responsible when you don't love the person?
Are you avoiding talking about it, because acknowledging and discussing it will subconsciously bring your fears to the forefront of your consciousness and confirm them to yourself?
Does she know that you love someone else?
...Why do you want to hang on to this emotionally, yet do nothing about it?


Do you know that I was tempted to pray - actually i did pray - that the odd chance of us both getting into Law was so slim, that if we both got in, it'd hopefully mean something? That maybe it was a divine sign?

One part of me wishes that you'll come back. Another part of me wants to slap myself into having more self-respect, and to be less silly. Because I know how you operate....and I think that no matter how much you love me, you won't fight for this for us. That you'd never tell her that you've fallen for someone else. That you'd prefer to harbor these regrets to your death and wallow in having my books and memorabilia instead of fighting for us.
But part of me wants it so bad, that if you didn't come back, i'd be crushed, and i wish I could hate you (reality is I can't bring myself to hate you).

I told you this, and you asked...what if things remain status quo? You shouldn't find me, right? 

I asked if there was a high chance of it, and you said you weren't going to lie.

Why did you want to be classmates for 3 years, then? Why were you still trying to keep me around? 

You said that it doesnt matter / the answers to my questions didn't matter / you only wanted to get into law now. 



Part of me really hates how escapist you are. How cowardly you are in facing these problems. Why do you profess such pain and longing to be together, yet be so paralyzed in taking action, preferring instead to wallow in self-pity and lost opportunities? 
There is nothing tragically romantic, nor strong, nor responsible (to her), with the route in chose. But then again, it's not my battle to try to convince you of that.

You said you won't blame me for hating you.

I've told you time and again that 
i don't regret knowing, and having loved you
i do not wish to hate, because it helps no one.
I don't measure worth like that. like 'it was not worth knowing you', as you mentioned. 
I prefer to take responsibility to change what i can change, and fight for what i believe in. Regret and hate....30 years later, you still have all these unexplored opportunities, as well as these unpleasant feelings. 

Yes, so i love you as a person. But that doesn't make this fiasco any less irresponsible or cowardly on your part.



* * * * *

I think i cried for over an hour on the phone. Thank God for jo and his wise words.

He didn't think that you were mentally ready, or mature, to get married. To her, or to me. 
That you didn't show the courage and responsibility to make the hard decisions when they mattered.
But this is a really hard one, can't he be forgiven for being so torn? I ventured.
That it was difficult if the spouse did not share the same ideals or principles for relationships as I did.

That you could be a good lover, but wasn't marriage material, not now. After all, wasn't I looking for a husband, and not a fling? He asked what I expected in a husband. I said at the very least I was looking for a connection, for mutual love. Then above that, I was looking for someone whose courage and beliefs i respected, whom i could trust to care for me and for our family. For someone who could be strong as the head of the household, to point us towards God.

He was frank: he didn't feel that you could be trusted to care for your loved ones, much less a wife and a family. That you weren't caring for me with the kind of irresponsible words that tumbled from your mouth.

That if you had indeed made a decision, you shouldn't still want to keep me around and want the best of both worlds. 

That going by how you were treating your current relationship - and the reason for starting this 2 month old mess was that you 'couldnt control your feelings' - what made me think that you couldn't get into anther 2 month mess with some other girl whom you 'couldnt control your feelings for'?

That at the moment, you're confused, and there's no other way to see this. I should just leave, because it was doing none of us any good. Friends, perhaps, maybe 3 months down the road, after you've sorted out your life. But not at this time. 


and..was i being a good testimony for God, by staying in this mess?