I'm sitting in a cafe one road from the joint where we first met to have pizza.
I admit, I did walk past the joint once or perhaps twice, half hoping to catch a glimpse of him - yet half hoping I wouldn't. What would I do if I saw him with some other girl? I turn the thoughts about in my head, envisioning myself walking in. Stand wordlessly in front of them? Sarcastic outburst? How would it serve me? How would that serve us? Would it make a difference?
Perhaps, so it would kill my hopes once and for all.
But as we ask in our job, how would that change management? Didn't he give me an answer already?
Still, my eyes wander out of the window, silently searching the roads for a silver car
.....
But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “…believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in– but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.
- from Utmost from His Highest
...
+ Refreshing honesty: (but not sure if that's always the best policy)
We talked a lot. Messages and their replies would shoot back within seconds of reading them. Heck, even my girlfriends said we talked a lot (and this is coming from girls).
And I enjoyed talking. I think he did, too. He said it himself, insinuated it when he observed aloud that we were talking past midnight yet again...
What did we talk about? We shared opinions on things that were happening, a bit of clever exchanges here and there, a bit of teasing... but most of all, the impression that I got from our conversations was: This was a person who was more mature emotionally than most of the people I'd talk to, and was comfortable with sharing his viewpoints and discussing and bouncing off ideas; communication was easy and natural; who had seen a bit of the world, loved and lost, but yet was not jaded; who was on the same wavelength, had a very similar sense of humor; fun-loving, able to laugh at himself and the world around him, yet able to be serious and get down to work when it mattered.
Somehow, we understood without much effort what each other meant, and understood how each other felt and the reasons for our actions and our thoughts. I still think it's amazing to have hit it off with such ease in such a short time - even as I am aware of the deceptive feelings of familiarity that the initial rushes of love - or dare I say, infatuation - objectively, it was an excellent level of communication that we had.
Well so along the way I kinda hinted that I liked him - as I recall now how it started with the cheesy admission from me that 'I'm not keen to blame people from my insomnia' I can't help but cringe amidst the smile. We went on to discuss our feelings and our take on relationships rather openly. Of course not quite in the third-party sense - which would be kinda detached and weird - but with seemingly honest upfront admissions of our weaknesses, dreams, and goals.
Along the way he did mention-
he wasn't sure of himself, but he feels I was the right one,
he's 'definitely' over his ex (so they were close to marriage but that didn't work out around Sept-Oct the previous year)
that he's 'got exclusion criteria but there doesn't seem like any issue with you' - that was kinda unsolicited and dorky-cute
and sharing plans like -
he'd want to have a son and daughter and a cat to watch stars on the balcony together (and added in a dog after I said dogs were nicer)...though when asked about the wife he said there was no one so he didn't wanna speculate
that I was insecure and needed someone to 'lovingly squash my xtd-ness'
on finding out that I spent the day doing my laundry and ironing and dishes and cooking, he'd comment out aloud that he needed such a person in his life. (of course, thinking back, that could have been just an off-the-fly comment)
So I may have very well been over-thinking and reading too much into things. Perhaps some individuals share very personal goals such as these with people whom they know like them, but don't consider it anything more than like, casually talking about plans for the weekend.
He did mention that he didn't want me to wait for him, and that a nice girl like me deserved someone ___(insert positive adjective). Heck, he even went as far as to say that I was nice and wouldn't have a problem 'marrying someone rich and nice' and that he 'doesn't have any girl who likes him'. While I'm rolling my eyes and fuming away - well I did eventually give up protesting.
There are so many specifics and screenshots that I have, but it's still a little raw for me to go through them to read the specifics to summarize. Do I need to? And how would it, change management? '
It probably wouldn't change any outcome, but it's the same reason why I kept text messages on my ancient 2G Nokia phones - all these little exchanges carry the essence of the emotions and mood felt at that point in time, and just reading them could transport you back into the very spot and time when everything occurred, with all the rawness of the present .
So after that fateful day of movies, cocktails, and trip to TT, the exchanges got slightly lesser and lesser, with hints of reticence in it and reduction in replying.
We have many talks about it. A number of them would end in me being semi-upset - I don't remember the exact trigger anymore, except that it was almost as if he was trying to make me angry with particular triggers - and he'd end up cajoling me to figuratively to 'go to the supermarket'. It still makes me smile, because it was from an conversation that he found out that I liked aimlessly wandering happily around grocery aisles.
I did feel on multiple occasions that I had to defend my like for him, that it wasn't something bimbotic or poorly-thought-over or reckless. I debated it with my girlfriends, who asked hard-hitting questions like - Do you really like him so much? So fast?
I haven't met someone who's so much on the same wavelength that I can talk hours and hours with. Without trying. Besides my ex.
I wouldn't call it love coz it's like over a week.
Just that I think it's worth exploring, there's a huge like and lotsa sparks...
And for my ex we didn't even hit it off that well, It was after many years of learning how to communicate
Perhaps being too upfront about my feelings had caused some awkwardness, or it has evoked the dreaded 'overenthusiastic female' viewed with derision by guys...
Nonetheless, I am thankful for the opportunity to be upfront and candid with our feelings - now I know what good communicating feels like.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Filing memories, 2
I self-limit the length of my posts, because each post digs up memories which aren't exactly things I would want to wallow in. Yet I continue, because I am afraid that I will forget all the complex feelings and happiness and tears that these short few weeks have led us to have.
...
+ Movie, impromptu
We'd talked about my friend T and how she was contemplating backing out from her engagement. We'd discussed aroud the issue - so far you shared that you knew how the guy felt, having been in a similar situation; you seemed pretty satisfied by my take on the issue, and we seemed to have very similar takes on relationships.
So one day I had dinner with the the group of girlfriends responsible for starting all of these off.
After I got home from dinner you insisted on hearing my take on the issue. I remember groaning as I really wanted to bathe but the messages were coming in fast and furious. You wanted to go for a third? fourth? round of drinks and I had work the next day - but yes I was willing to go out after some persuasion. But you decided not to - and that you had kept me up for long enough.
So you decided as a way of saying sorry - you'd give me a lift to work the next day.
Boy was I taken aback. It was your off day, and even if it wasn't - I didn't like the idea of troubling you to go to such lengths. But no you wanted to.....and possibly watch B*man the next day.
So I got up the next morning, nervous and not quite sure what to expect, and packed an equal share of bread & grapes for your breakfast. And you turned up at the gate, and off we went.
I don't remember much of the journey because I was too happy just savoring the moment. I think we went down Bartley and all that....and the journey was too short..
You dropped me off at the basement so I could get in through the 'secret door' I'd told you about. I awkwardly left the grapes and bread for your on the dashboard and scurried off...
Having overlooked the fact that the door was only a one-way exit - and not entrance - I had to make a detour to get up by the usual lift.
w1 saw us - I'd have much to hear from him in the future. cgs too - he was apparently excited about apparently being able to go in through the one-way door...
My half-day finished soon enough, and I flew down by cab to the movie. I still remember the nervousness on the long escalator up to the theater, trying to calm my nerves and walk nonchalantly to the door. Yes, i eat popcorn. Am alright with either flavor.
We sat in quiet silence during the movie. You laughed at time, I didn't get some references and had to ask you a few times. You leaned in to talk - and I still remember the blush and my heart in my mouth. I reached into the popcorn tub, hand lingering dangerously close to yours, but you politely withdrew and let me get my share. Maybe towards the end there was a millisecond longer of lingering, dangerously close forearms, the acute awareness of our closeness.
Then the movie was over. (there was the occasional awkward sex scene.) We discussed it a little - I'm starting to enjoy these sharing of thoughts with you - and I had to go to TT to settle some family stuff. So we took the met together, awkwardly balancing in a sea of bobbing people.
I tried to sneak you in without a card but I remember not being able to get past the 2nd floor.
I cant remember what transpired after that. Perhaps you became quiet? I think you first verbalized your concerns that you didn't want to -
- lead me on, apparently, because you weren't sure of yourself.
- wasn't sure it was the right timing
- "..."
and that you said, in varying ways, and in varying forms....that
- while you weren't sure of yourself, you were sure of me
- you didn't know what invisible force made you talk to me night after night, into the early hours of the morning.
- you had to find problems with our how we were doing.
Yes, we did progress (in infatuation) fast. I probably said a few things that, when looked at in certain ways, would sound like I did not save dignity for myself. It's as if acknowledging outright that I liked you would be lacking in respect for myself; that I should have played it coy.
I still don't know if i regret being as open as I was. Because I was honest with you and honest to myself: by showing enthusiasm for what was turning out to be a more wonderful-than-expected connection. The bantering that ensued arose from somehow being able to understand each other and the way we thought.
Was it a false sense of reassurance? Perhaps. But having met many in my job and people from different parts of life - though admittedly, not as much as you - I have to say that this kind of chemistry and understanding is hard to fake.
We knew something good when we saw it, didn't we? You lamented about the sparks that flew, and the potential it had...and how hard it was to find such a connection.
I do realize that the recurring theme for all these outings were - you decide suddenly to meet - usually plans are made suddenly and late at night - and I'd relent go happily along with it. Are these a bad thing? I'm not sure. There is something about being wary of last-minute plans from a guy, and constantly rearranging your schedules around them right? Does this count?
Perhaps I'm making excuses for these and counting them as 'spontaneity'? But I do think I like the spontaneity, I really do appreciate it....having met people who did not take the lead, this was refreshing and nice.
...
+ Movie, impromptu
We'd talked about my friend T and how she was contemplating backing out from her engagement. We'd discussed aroud the issue - so far you shared that you knew how the guy felt, having been in a similar situation; you seemed pretty satisfied by my take on the issue, and we seemed to have very similar takes on relationships.
So one day I had dinner with the the group of girlfriends responsible for starting all of these off.
After I got home from dinner you insisted on hearing my take on the issue. I remember groaning as I really wanted to bathe but the messages were coming in fast and furious. You wanted to go for a third? fourth? round of drinks and I had work the next day - but yes I was willing to go out after some persuasion. But you decided not to - and that you had kept me up for long enough.
So you decided as a way of saying sorry - you'd give me a lift to work the next day.
Boy was I taken aback. It was your off day, and even if it wasn't - I didn't like the idea of troubling you to go to such lengths. But no you wanted to.....and possibly watch B*man the next day.
So I got up the next morning, nervous and not quite sure what to expect, and packed an equal share of bread & grapes for your breakfast. And you turned up at the gate, and off we went.
I don't remember much of the journey because I was too happy just savoring the moment. I think we went down Bartley and all that....and the journey was too short..
You dropped me off at the basement so I could get in through the 'secret door' I'd told you about. I awkwardly left the grapes and bread for your on the dashboard and scurried off...
Having overlooked the fact that the door was only a one-way exit - and not entrance - I had to make a detour to get up by the usual lift.
w1 saw us - I'd have much to hear from him in the future. cgs too - he was apparently excited about apparently being able to go in through the one-way door...
My half-day finished soon enough, and I flew down by cab to the movie. I still remember the nervousness on the long escalator up to the theater, trying to calm my nerves and walk nonchalantly to the door. Yes, i eat popcorn. Am alright with either flavor.
We sat in quiet silence during the movie. You laughed at time, I didn't get some references and had to ask you a few times. You leaned in to talk - and I still remember the blush and my heart in my mouth. I reached into the popcorn tub, hand lingering dangerously close to yours, but you politely withdrew and let me get my share. Maybe towards the end there was a millisecond longer of lingering, dangerously close forearms, the acute awareness of our closeness.
Then the movie was over. (there was the occasional awkward sex scene.) We discussed it a little - I'm starting to enjoy these sharing of thoughts with you - and I had to go to TT to settle some family stuff. So we took the met together, awkwardly balancing in a sea of bobbing people.
I tried to sneak you in without a card but I remember not being able to get past the 2nd floor.
I cant remember what transpired after that. Perhaps you became quiet? I think you first verbalized your concerns that you didn't want to -
- lead me on, apparently, because you weren't sure of yourself.
- wasn't sure it was the right timing
- "..."
and that you said, in varying ways, and in varying forms....that
- while you weren't sure of yourself, you were sure of me
- you didn't know what invisible force made you talk to me night after night, into the early hours of the morning.
- you had to find problems with our how we were doing.
Yes, we did progress (in infatuation) fast. I probably said a few things that, when looked at in certain ways, would sound like I did not save dignity for myself. It's as if acknowledging outright that I liked you would be lacking in respect for myself; that I should have played it coy.
I still don't know if i regret being as open as I was. Because I was honest with you and honest to myself: by showing enthusiasm for what was turning out to be a more wonderful-than-expected connection. The bantering that ensued arose from somehow being able to understand each other and the way we thought.
Was it a false sense of reassurance? Perhaps. But having met many in my job and people from different parts of life - though admittedly, not as much as you - I have to say that this kind of chemistry and understanding is hard to fake.
We knew something good when we saw it, didn't we? You lamented about the sparks that flew, and the potential it had...and how hard it was to find such a connection.
I do realize that the recurring theme for all these outings were - you decide suddenly to meet - usually plans are made suddenly and late at night - and I'd relent go happily along with it. Are these a bad thing? I'm not sure. There is something about being wary of last-minute plans from a guy, and constantly rearranging your schedules around them right? Does this count?
Perhaps I'm making excuses for these and counting them as 'spontaneity'? But I do think I like the spontaneity, I really do appreciate it....having met people who did not take the lead, this was refreshing and nice.
Filing memories,1
As I try to let go to protect my heart, part of me wants to keep the memories because of how special they were... It is a constant battle of letting go, and wanting to hold on.
Perhaps writing them down would 'offload' them to a medium that would allow for remembrance, yet take away the shadow it casts on my heart. But is writing in a diary healthy? I don't know. It's like a wound that has just started to scab over - the dried blood keeping it from oozing now. Re-accessing the memories will mean re-experiencing the tumultous feelings, the ups and downs; turning the feelings around in my mouth and re-tasting the sweet and tart and sourness of it all.
Here goes:
+ meeting you
I met you in the week before April 16th. I remember there was this tall guy attached to my procedure room. As I was still rather new and trying to get my hands-on training in order, having to teach/guide someone was quite the last thing on my mind. So through a couple of self-effacing exchanges about work, choices in life- and I realized you probably could locate the spleen better than I could - I went away thinking hey, this guy is easy to talk to, candid, honest and upfront, with a modest grin.
After 1-2 days of seeing you around, and deliberately kajiao-ing w1 when he administered you the final test - I was pleasantly surprised to see you on a saturday. So I guess you didn't know, but I spent the rest of the saturday wondering what your name was (yes I don't catch chinese names well) and had to look through the company directory. One thing led to another and I randomly asked my girls' chat if they knew who you were, and if you were swingin' single - and A did. She did a bit of snooping 'Live' - as the two juniors looked on with bated breath - and to my horror, asked you straight out in the end.
So we decided to go for coffee on the Monday after. I know you did it out of politeness then, and a 'just make a new friend' attitude.
+ first coffee
Feb 16th.
I was done by half-day and waited around til you were done. Met in the carpark, you suggested pizza instead of coffee? Briefly considered prata..
Found ourselves wandering around T area halfheartedly - our hearts more fluttery and definitely food wasn't the first thing on our minds (ok at least it wasn't on mine. After settling down with beers and waiting for pizzas....we just started chatting.
And kept chatting. I didn't even realize time passed so fast. We talked about current lives, past hobbies... I don't even remember what exactly we talked about - but the beauty of it was, it never felt forced. At least for me, I was genuinely interested in getting to know you. What had initially started off as a whim of "is-he-single" - turned into the realization that hey, here's a person I can talk easily with.
So after a coupla hours - my phone stashed in my bag - you dropped me home and I opened my phone to a deluge of oh-my-it-was-so-long?? messages. Hold your horses, girls! It was a good chat, but too early to say anything.
I can't remember what made us talk again that night, but I do remember that we ended up messaging late into the night, sharing kpop videos and bantering. First late night.
+ The days that followed
This was the new year weekend, with a relatively short workweek and a long weekend.
I don't remember much of how each day went, apart from texting during the day when I could squeeze time - and texting late into the night.
It's been a while since I've sat on a chair, oblivious to my surroundings, smiling at phone (so it used to be a phone call a decade ago). Hours merging into one another, and feeling torn between replying the stream of texts and getting on with my life (y'know, bathe, dishes, prepare meals...)
+ New year weekend
So I had plans to hang out with my girlfriends for the New Year. After we parted ways, I had plans to study for the upcoming exams.
I remember walking along the main road bordering the new malls (sorry, the malls not figuring much on my mind again) and you decided that you wanted to sing KTV. And insisted so.
Now, at that time I had taken a short break from classes, with my holidays and all, and wasn't too keen on how I sounded not-my-best. My phone was dying anyway and I settled at a new discovery of a very quaint Starbucks.
Being the spontaneous person you are - and how once you set your mind on something you would be quite driven to get it - you did all the legwork and found a place that had a slot for KTV (on a public holiday and at night, mind you. I definitely have to give you credit for that).
So, studying hopes dashed - and I should have realized that this wouldn't be the first time. (Not that I'd have minded.) You decided to smuggle in a bottle of alcohol and we booked the suite for 3h - horrors. Even with like-minded girlfriends it was tiring and slightly torturous to sing for 3h!
But we sang. and there was definitely the initial awkwardness and oh-my-gosh-i-sound-horrible kind feelings but the hours kinda flew by. Side note: it was a little cold and I remember taking your jacket towards the end (grin).
When the session drew to a close we were both shocked that time had passed that fast. Of course, part of me was still mildly horrified as I didn't sound my best that day. But I think we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. Did it mean something? I'd like to think so, but I know we shouldn't read to much - but surely it should count for something, no?
..
I know what you all are thinking. I must be in love with the Idea of Being In Love. (let's put away all the screams of "is this even love?" first.
Well to the concern above - I've been spending enough time by myself and observed others in 'relationships' - to know the perks and downsides of both sides of the coin.
And still, you got me.
Perhaps after making one round and seeing many bad apples, I now appreciate the miracle of such an easy connection, and shared likes. It's the feeling of not having to make much of an effort, but just more or less saying what was on our mind (at least for me)....and being myself.
Perhaps writing them down would 'offload' them to a medium that would allow for remembrance, yet take away the shadow it casts on my heart. But is writing in a diary healthy? I don't know. It's like a wound that has just started to scab over - the dried blood keeping it from oozing now. Re-accessing the memories will mean re-experiencing the tumultous feelings, the ups and downs; turning the feelings around in my mouth and re-tasting the sweet and tart and sourness of it all.
Here goes:
+ meeting you
I met you in the week before April 16th. I remember there was this tall guy attached to my procedure room. As I was still rather new and trying to get my hands-on training in order, having to teach/guide someone was quite the last thing on my mind. So through a couple of self-effacing exchanges about work, choices in life- and I realized you probably could locate the spleen better than I could - I went away thinking hey, this guy is easy to talk to, candid, honest and upfront, with a modest grin.
After 1-2 days of seeing you around, and deliberately kajiao-ing w1 when he administered you the final test - I was pleasantly surprised to see you on a saturday. So I guess you didn't know, but I spent the rest of the saturday wondering what your name was (yes I don't catch chinese names well) and had to look through the company directory. One thing led to another and I randomly asked my girls' chat if they knew who you were, and if you were swingin' single - and A did. She did a bit of snooping 'Live' - as the two juniors looked on with bated breath - and to my horror, asked you straight out in the end.
So we decided to go for coffee on the Monday after. I know you did it out of politeness then, and a 'just make a new friend' attitude.
+ first coffee
Feb 16th.
I was done by half-day and waited around til you were done. Met in the carpark, you suggested pizza instead of coffee? Briefly considered prata..
Found ourselves wandering around T area halfheartedly - our hearts more fluttery and definitely food wasn't the first thing on our minds (ok at least it wasn't on mine. After settling down with beers and waiting for pizzas....we just started chatting.
And kept chatting. I didn't even realize time passed so fast. We talked about current lives, past hobbies... I don't even remember what exactly we talked about - but the beauty of it was, it never felt forced. At least for me, I was genuinely interested in getting to know you. What had initially started off as a whim of "is-he-single" - turned into the realization that hey, here's a person I can talk easily with.
So after a coupla hours - my phone stashed in my bag - you dropped me home and I opened my phone to a deluge of oh-my-it-was-so-long?? messages. Hold your horses, girls! It was a good chat, but too early to say anything.
I can't remember what made us talk again that night, but I do remember that we ended up messaging late into the night, sharing kpop videos and bantering. First late night.
+ The days that followed
This was the new year weekend, with a relatively short workweek and a long weekend.
I don't remember much of how each day went, apart from texting during the day when I could squeeze time - and texting late into the night.
It's been a while since I've sat on a chair, oblivious to my surroundings, smiling at phone (so it used to be a phone call a decade ago). Hours merging into one another, and feeling torn between replying the stream of texts and getting on with my life (y'know, bathe, dishes, prepare meals...)
+ New year weekend
So I had plans to hang out with my girlfriends for the New Year. After we parted ways, I had plans to study for the upcoming exams.
I remember walking along the main road bordering the new malls (sorry, the malls not figuring much on my mind again) and you decided that you wanted to sing KTV. And insisted so.
Now, at that time I had taken a short break from classes, with my holidays and all, and wasn't too keen on how I sounded not-my-best. My phone was dying anyway and I settled at a new discovery of a very quaint Starbucks.
Being the spontaneous person you are - and how once you set your mind on something you would be quite driven to get it - you did all the legwork and found a place that had a slot for KTV (on a public holiday and at night, mind you. I definitely have to give you credit for that).
So, studying hopes dashed - and I should have realized that this wouldn't be the first time. (Not that I'd have minded.) You decided to smuggle in a bottle of alcohol and we booked the suite for 3h - horrors. Even with like-minded girlfriends it was tiring and slightly torturous to sing for 3h!
But we sang. and there was definitely the initial awkwardness and oh-my-gosh-i-sound-horrible kind feelings but the hours kinda flew by. Side note: it was a little cold and I remember taking your jacket towards the end (grin).
When the session drew to a close we were both shocked that time had passed that fast. Of course, part of me was still mildly horrified as I didn't sound my best that day. But I think we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. Did it mean something? I'd like to think so, but I know we shouldn't read to much - but surely it should count for something, no?
..
I know what you all are thinking. I must be in love with the Idea of Being In Love. (let's put away all the screams of "is this even love?" first.
Well to the concern above - I've been spending enough time by myself and observed others in 'relationships' - to know the perks and downsides of both sides of the coin.
And still, you got me.
Perhaps after making one round and seeing many bad apples, I now appreciate the miracle of such an easy connection, and shared likes. It's the feeling of not having to make much of an effort, but just more or less saying what was on our mind (at least for me)....and being myself.
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