How do I explain that I still loved you, and it took lots of tears and prayer and well-meaning friends to try to reduce the pain in me? I replied truthfully, that I was trying to make the pain go away.
You said, so if you returned to find me in the future....I wouldn't have feelings for you anymore? That there was a chance that I may leave totally?
I asked what your plan was - was it to see if your marriage worked out - and if it didn't, I would still be around?
...to which you mumbled that the 'feelings would probably have subsided somewhat.'
Do you know what an awful time i'm having? To not be interested in work, my usual hobbies, and eating? If the feelings had subsided, I wouldn't be in such a crappy position. I wished I felt less.
You said you felt as horrible. And that you hope that I will meet a guy who knows how to love me more than you do, and who can devote himself to me....not someone like you.
It's not my battle to convince you to stay. As much as I'd like to step in and yell and arm-wrench you into doing something sensible instead of hurting all 3 people at once, this isn't for me to fight. Because you need to want this enough. And knowing you, you'd accept nothing unless you were sufficiently convinced of it yourself.
It's true that I will likely meet someone else who loves me. However I may not meet someone who shares such a connection; someone whom I like so much.
Perhaps the taiwan trip would be good for you - out of sight and perhaps out of mind, you'd be able to fully convince yourself of your chosen life with her - and once that reality is tangible enough for you, the memories we share will fade into the background.
But i've a ton of questions:
Did your love for her never falter?
Is it still the same?
How do you love two people at once?
If you don't love one, why do you stay?
Is staying responsible when you don't love the person?
Are you avoiding talking about it, because acknowledging and discussing it will subconsciously bring your fears to the forefront of your consciousness and confirm them to yourself?
Does she know that you love someone else?
...Why do you want to hang on to this emotionally, yet do nothing about it?
Do you know that I was tempted to pray - actually i did pray - that the odd chance of us both getting into Law was so slim, that if we both got in, it'd hopefully mean something? That maybe it was a divine sign?
One part of me wishes that you'll come back. Another part of me wants to slap myself into having more self-respect, and to be less silly. Because I know how you operate....and I think that no matter how much you love me, you won't fight for this for us. That you'd never tell her that you've fallen for someone else. That you'd prefer to harbor these regrets to your death and wallow in having my books and memorabilia instead of fighting for us.
But part of me wants it so bad, that if you didn't come back, i'd be crushed, and i wish I could hate you (reality is I can't bring myself to hate you).
I told you this, and you asked...what if things remain status quo? You shouldn't find me, right?
I asked if there was a high chance of it, and you said you weren't going to lie.
Why did you want to be classmates for 3 years, then? Why were you still trying to keep me around?
You said that it doesnt matter / the answers to my questions didn't matter / you only wanted to get into law now.
Part of me really hates how escapist you are. How cowardly you are in facing these problems. Why do you profess such pain and longing to be together, yet be so paralyzed in taking action, preferring instead to wallow in self-pity and lost opportunities?
There is nothing tragically romantic, nor strong, nor responsible (to her), with the route in chose. But then again, it's not my battle to try to convince you of that.
You said you won't blame me for hating you.
I've told you time and again that
i don't regret knowing, and having loved you
i do not wish to hate, because it helps no one.
I don't measure worth like that. like 'it was not worth knowing you', as you mentioned.
I prefer to take responsibility to change what i can change, and fight for what i believe in. Regret and hate....30 years later, you still have all these unexplored opportunities, as well as these unpleasant feelings.
Yes, so i love you as a person. But that doesn't make this fiasco any less irresponsible or cowardly on your part.
* * * * *
I think i cried for over an hour on the phone. Thank God for jo and his wise words.
He didn't think that you were mentally ready, or mature, to get married. To her, or to me.
That you didn't show the courage and responsibility to make the hard decisions when they mattered.
But this is a really hard one, can't he be forgiven for being so torn? I ventured.
That it was difficult if the spouse did not share the same ideals or principles for relationships as I did.
That you could be a good lover, but wasn't marriage material, not now. After all, wasn't I looking for a husband, and not a fling? He asked what I expected in a husband. I said at the very least I was looking for a connection, for mutual love. Then above that, I was looking for someone whose courage and beliefs i respected, whom i could trust to care for me and for our family. For someone who could be strong as the head of the household, to point us towards God.
He was frank: he didn't feel that you could be trusted to care for your loved ones, much less a wife and a family. That you weren't caring for me with the kind of irresponsible words that tumbled from your mouth.
That if you had indeed made a decision, you shouldn't still want to keep me around and want the best of both worlds.
That going by how you were treating your current relationship - and the reason for starting this 2 month old mess was that you 'couldnt control your feelings' - what made me think that you couldn't get into anther 2 month mess with some other girl whom you 'couldnt control your feelings for'?
That at the moment, you're confused, and there's no other way to see this. I should just leave, because it was doing none of us any good. Friends, perhaps, maybe 3 months down the road, after you've sorted out your life. But not at this time.
and..was i being a good testimony for God, by staying in this mess?
