Blogging for this is a tad delayed - it's suppressed to be a pre-trip audit of life, but I've gone and come back yesterday (albeit unexpectedly early). Never too late to take stock of life though.
So during the trip I found out that you were, indeed, seeing her. Not quite surprised there, actually. I thought I was going out of my mind with all the thoughts in April-June. I remember the silly musings running across my mind as I sat in ED, the agonizing hurt not in my leg but in my heart. The heart-falling into bottomless pit feeling when I glimpsed you two outside the lift, for all of 5 seconds. I thought I was going slightly neurotic. But hey, it's nice knowing that my 6th sense is alive and kicking and rather astute.
But it's better now. I no longer look at the night skies on my way home and feel pained thinking that you may be watching it too. I can gaze at the twinkly stars and feel the wonder of a small child. Looking at your spotify playlist, too, doesn't bring the same pain it used to. It's taken around 6 months, I guess. It would probably have been way more painful for you, 4 months after your years-long relationship fell apart, when we met I guess.
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Just 1-2 weeks ago, when the Snr Dr called out for a 'Dr S' and you took the phone...I was really shocked. Admittedly my mind went rather blank and I forgot what critical results I wanted to convey...if you thought I sounded funny during that conversation, you were right. I put down the phone and shed tears for a good half hour after that....didn't give a damn about the con, reg, and the bully who was pushing me to arrange angio for him.
I guess I cried coz I didn't expect to meet you again under such circumstances. The voice and mannerisms were familiar, yet everything had changed. I know we just went out for a few times, but we did share a lot, and I mourned the apparently loss of it, and of dreams. Just when I thought I had stepped away from that with dignity, you came back in the most unexpected of ways. (I totally wasn't looking forward to critical results after that coz I didn't wanna call that number and hear your voice).
But it's better now. I've mourned, and moved on.
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What have I taken away from this? After delving head first into book after book in an attempt to make sense of it?
It would be desirable to date someone who's committed to trying to heal and improve, rather than hiding his hurt. We're all damaged souls - I am, too - but we shouldn't look to another person for healing. A relationship shouldn't be an avenue for healing or to complete a person or be a solution to problems - it's an equal partnership to learn and navigate your way in life together.
I should look for a Christian to share my heart with. This isn't just about whom I want to marry: dating relationships involve close sharing of hearts and we're often influenced and changed somewhat by them - it's too easy to be led to wrong priorities if the other person doesn't share the same values. This isn't to say that non-Christians would, by default, have less desirable values - heck, there are many self-professed 'christians' with questionable values compared to apparent 'non believers'. But it's something to look for.
I'm personally guilty of throwing caution to the wind and falling head over heels when I met you - I remember almost wishing that the beads in your car were Catholic and not Buddhist. It's easy for me to say this now, and too easy for me to backslide or make concessions when I have feelings for a person. But this is a reminder to myself about what I should aim towards.
I'd prefer knowing someone through mutual friends, or through similar circles. This isn't quite a 'lesson learned' from you, but an observation after trying random dates where all I know about the other person is what they choose to tell me and what they put out there for the world to see. No mutual friends to vouch that they aren't jerks, or that they have sensible priorities.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a life - and who looks to live his life through me. This isn't quite you, but I'd more of A...you had dreams and knew that you had to work for them - that's totally fine. But along the years I've met people who have rather incomplete lives and somehow think you'll complete them. No thanks...
Right now these are all i can think off the top of my head. More later when inspiration comes.
