i will be still, and know You are God (7)

Dec 30th

today was D-day, and know that i’d be ending the day telling you that i needed to leave.

First i met jas - thankful for this lovely dear friend for checking back on me and volunteering to hang out with me. She said she was hesitant over your values. Told me not to be soft hearted.
Next i met F. as much as I appreciate how she loves me like a little lost younger sister of hers....I can't help but feel that some of her actions were warped, or influenced too much by hate (ie. need to take with a pinch of salt). I do appreciate her thoughts, and why she was worried. 
Met WS later at night. I had told him that i may meet you around the same time probably need some moral support after. Thankful that he made the time - he even volunteered to set your house on fire, lol - he's an example of someone who has hurt a lot and tried to make the best out of what he was given. Drank a little, shared, he felt your needed to have the balls, too. 

I asked if I could see you today. but you didn't want to meet - you kept asking what happened, and that it was inconvenient and that you were really tired. I tried to cajole u to meet up, just really short, so I could pass you something. I offered to go over. You kept declining, but offered to pick it up tomorrow instead. 730, usual time. 

Well WS felt it wasn't that great an idea forcing someone our when they weren't keen - so that's why I didn't insist.



Today, the last day of 2015
You arrived at my place early: at 7:15, in fact. I was kicking myself for not getting ready ahead of time - wasting precious minutes that could have been spent with you.  

I got into the car, and was perplexed and annoyed that you could somehow still somewhat give me a smile. After some time of sitting in silence, me being morose, and you alternating between being morose and glancing over to smile at me, i muttered that we couldn't do this forever.

I asked if we could kiss first, like there was nothing wrong. Thank you for the tender lips, tinged with sadness - less of the shivers of unbridled passion - but still making my heart leap a little, like in the past, again. 

Then I told you through my tears that I wanted a person to make a conscious, clear choice, every day, again and again, that Hell Yes - they want to love me and choose me every single day and proclaim it. And I didn't want to be stuck longing and trying to convince myself that it's alright and that perhaps I should settle for such a semblance of love whilst knowing that the man's heart was somewhere else; that it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.

Then I passed you the postcard. I heard you suck in air through gritted teeth as I pulled out the card from the wrapper, then unwillingly look at it. You read it, and there was pain and frustration and you tried arguing and bargaining.
I hopefully pointed out the qualifiers and caveats: Because of your current decision, even as I love you,.....I cannot stay for the moment. There was another sentence with 'for the moment'. You argued that yes you saw all these..
And asked what this would mean. I said that in the acute phase, when it hurts so much, I don't wish to keep talking as if nothing was wrong. You asked how long this phase would take: 1 week, 2 weeks, half a year, 3 years.....and then I asked so what. You asked if we'd ever talk again. And if we talk again, wouldn't it be platonic? I asked, why does it matter? You said that if it were platonic, wouldn't it mean that we'd have moved on with our lives and it meant that this wouldn't matter to us any more? I was resigned and asked how that would matter - would you want us to live our whole lives not having moved on, and loving each other? How would that help anything?
You said that you didn't want to accept this. That I was 'thinking from my point of view, and that I'm trying to think for you.' 
I explained that I know why you wanted to keep in touch: it was the same reason why i wanted to keep in touch: I respect you very much as a person, and loved you as a person and friend; I still wanted to share my life with you, even if we weren't lovers. You agreed. But - this isn't a good time, not when we were still raw with emotions. 
I made you promise not to give up on your dreams - law in particular. You were angry and retorted about how that "it wasn't important". I kept insisting that it did, and i had to spell out exactly why it did matter to me: I said i didn't care if you wanted to study law psychology, chinese literature, or go back to the police force - but i wanted you to fight for yourself and what you wanted in life. I said i'd apply too, and perhaps we'd be classmates. 
I said the third part of this was....could i have your dog tag? I wanted to be able to return it to you, one day. I'm not sure if it was you being too afraid to lose something dear to you/let your family and gf realize that it wasn't with you - or whether you really wanted to protect me; but you said that it wouldn't help me let go.

We talked a bit about how frustratingly similar we are. I said that I saw myself in your impulsiveness and irrationality. You disagreed that you were, and claimed that you were methodical, and liked to plan. I couldnt help but laugh - I told you about how I had put off my investments and insurance and so many other things coz I kept feeling that I hadn't satisfied myself that I know enough about it, and prepared to the best of my ability, to make an educated guess.

You tried to bargain: whether you could still text to check in on me, now and then....that it was okay if I didn't reply, but just let you know that I read the message - so that at least you'd know that i wasn't okay yet. I said ok...then if i did not reply? what would you do? You said you may try again....or maybe you wouldn't.
You got angry too, as we drove through city hall, towards chinatown, and to my workplace. You said that you didn't accept this decision; you tried to return me the postcard; you said that you were so frustrated by me being stubborn. I ended up ill-treating your arm in frustration - i'm sorry for leaving so many slap and pinch marks. But at least those would heal, and it was just physical pain. 
I smiled as I told you that you were going through the Stages of Grief....you got angry and started to demand that I quote examples and the source/references for what I said......then you went into the 'i'm the man, i wear the pants, stop arguing with me' mode. Silly boy....escapism much.

We stopped outside block 1, for the last time. You said how rare it was for someone to see you tearing like you did that day - being so vulnerable. I said i know, and i appreciate you for opening up your heart and being vulnerable to me. 
We hugged, one last time, and you said you wanted to remember how i smelled. 
You kept insisting that it wasn't goodbye, and that you'd see me again. 


Deep down i wasn't so sure, but i'd really like to believe that too. 



--------------------


Later as I am sitting in ABC blogging, in between meeting Faith as she checked in on me - 
We still talked a bit, more heart to heart, touching on letting go, and how similar we were. 

You mentioned that i had seen many bad parts of you recently, and whether i loved you less. I said no.

I told you that you were just another version of myself; albeit with more rigidity and less self control - and that i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
(You asked how it'd be that you had less self control - or i wouldn't be able to walk properly -.-)
You are rigid in your beliefs, and it includes you wanting to protect me. That's why even though temptation was right in front of you literally that day, you had refused.
Yet you had less self control, because you are afraid of uncertainty and pain. Therefore you would rather take a slow simmering ache rather than disciplining yourself and having the balls to make decisions.
That's why even if it sounded contradictory, you indeed had less self control, yet more rigidity.

Along the way during talking, you sighed and said that there's no use talking, since the decision was made.
Oh well yes.

We faltered, now and then. Said bye multiple times. You came back again after a while to tell me about some work stuff. 



I'll emerge from this okay. I know i will. i just wish it didn't need to be like that. 
I'm thankful for the sisters and brothers who have rallied around me this time, in an unprecedented show of love and support. Thank you

Parting words. (6)

Dear DC,

Even as much as I love you, given your current decision, I cannot stay. I have to love myself too, and therefore I cannot stay, at this moment. 

But please - because I cannot be around to care for you for now: please care for yourself. Please love yourself, and the meaning is manifold: To love yourself is to be true to yourself, and also to want to become as best a D as you can be. 

I think positives and affirmatives may work better on you, so i'll try this.

Please don't be too headstrong, learn to accept suggestions and criticisms when they are due.

Please continue to be humble: it doesn't diminish your own worth.

Please have courage, to stand up for what is important to you, even in the face of challenges. Take your chances. 

(I won't forgive you for not pursuing law, if you really want it, simply coz i've stepped away. I will still help you.)

G. 

So near yet so far (5)

Monday, 28th.

Everything was the same, yet everything was different. 

I stepped out of the house with a quiet phone, knowing that no brown VW was waiting for me down the road. I grabbed my single bag of fruit. I tried to steel myself as I walked past the places you usually waited for me: nearer my house, or nearer the roundabout. I tried not to remember you A&F fierce scent in the car. 

Mindnumbing journey. As I walked from the MRT - blk 4 - blk 3, i imagined how you'd have driven to your workplace after dropping me at blk 3. I remembered how you'd part at blk 1 so that we could talk some more and kiss. (it started innocently enough when you parked there to ask me about your mom's Workman Comp claim form...)

There were a ton of patients today, and I wasn't checking my phone continuously for you asking about my work, or my patients....and telling me about how you were settling in. There were a couple of times I teared. I realized midway through the morning, that you had texted. It was a pale shadow of our usual round-the-clock-til-we-slept-and-resume-when-we-woke kind of texting, but....it was somewhat of a saver from yesterday's stony silence after your retort of me being oversensitive. 

You asked, as usual, about my patients. How my work was. How I was.

HM asked me about my christmas, and I sighed, then said that I had met friends, had dinner with family. Charles later asked me about it too, and I told him that it had been absolutely horrible. 

Lunch came, and you asked what I was eating. Did you know I had totally lost my appetite? I'm not attempting to starve myself, I just had no interest in eating. 

I ended up tearing and telling HL what happened. He was silent, and said he felt i've heard much of what i needed to hear already.

I couldn't help but tell SJ, too. He was initially shocked, with a retort of 'what a bastard!', but he later on said that it was really sad and in my best interests to let go...but it would never heal fully. He's right. I'm not even sure if this scar will heal by second intention. It's a scar that I would want to keep, because the memories are beautiful as they are painful. He told me later that I looked really ragged when he saw me - despite me trying to joke with him. Bless his soul for listening and trying to cheer me up on call. (and for telling me not to listen to emo songs on call) 

We continued our slightly stilted conversation, with the painful elephant in the room that everything was the same in our lives, yet everything was different. I tried to catch a bit of shuteye before call. Halfway during my call you burst out, Why was I so distant?

I pointed out that I wasn't, and that I felt you were. But I was sorry for making you feel I was, and I should just talk less/shut up. you got even more sensitive and said my tone was hurtful and distant.

My insides sighed as I saw the vulnerable, hurting little boy that you were.....lacking courage, yet hurting like hell. I explained that I wasn't distant on purpose. That I may have come across as such, subconsciously, because 'if i talked like it didn't matter so much to me, perhaps it wouldn't hurt so much'. Wasn't it the same coping strategy you said you use, wrt. missing people? And that your silence on Sunday was so hurtful...and after your retort that I was being too sensitive, I had no confidence to assume that you were trying to cope - or perhaps you had just moved on. 

You didn't quite answer that question, but we had somewhat more normal a conversation after. You said you were trying to cope, too.

I told Feek too, when he was taken aback that I wasn't eating anything much. He was entertaining for most of the night, and told me to try to take back lessons from the entire thing (better background checks? lol) and that he's sure i'd bounce back...

Postcall, 29th

Grabbed some shuteye before meeting Faith. Blogging in the interim: as i told you, it relives painful memories, but these are memories that I don't want to lose - that's why i'm penning them down and keeping them somewhere safe, where they are not subject to emotions, neglect, and the ravage of time. 

Along the way Clem and Fiona were strongly of the idea that your fiance should know about this, for her own good. But SJ and jo think otherwise. 

Faith came with E. As she tried to cajole a shy E to say hi to me, my vision suddenly blurred as I thought of how much i'd like to have a family with you, how we'd like to discipline kids as we were talking. I tried telling her coherently our story, how i felt...

She agreed that you were chauvinistic, a tad egoist. But somewhat of an escapist, running away from the hard decisions in life. That you didn't seem to have the courage to take chances, when there was no guarantee of success (no matter how much of a chauvinist you are)

She felt sorry for your fiance. And how to her, you seemed to have relegated marriage to somewhat of an intellectual decision; she explained how she felt it was a covenant with God. I'm not too sure about exact connotation of the word covenant, but perhaps she meant that the latter was holy and more of a commitment, for better or for worse. And how you may decide, in the future, that you regret more decisions.

That starting on such a shaky foundation for a relationship wasn't a great idea (i sighed when i remembered mentioning that in the letter). I told her how much I really wanted this to work, how much you said you wanted it too, and how i was pained most by how much we wanted it but....it wasn't happening coz you wouldn't give it a chance. 
She said that even if you left her, you'd need some time to settle your feelings and the mess between two families, 


Faith told me that.....even if you chose me, or did come back to me, she didn't feel safe entrusting me to you: because she 1) could not trust you to make important decisions if you were a tad escapist/lacked courage to stand up for what you believed in, and 2) could not trust you not to leave me in the future. 

That with the decision you made, it was best to say goodbye. That given how you had handled things so far, it was best to say goodbye, for my own good. She said I deserved better.

As much as I love you and wanted this to work, I know that I wanted you to willingly love me with your whole heart, to consciously have the balls to say that you choose me over and over and over again everyday, to be proud of who we are and to responsibly take steps to make a future together - and to have the courage to chase it with me. 

Picking up the pieces (4)

Post Christmas, aka. 26th, Saturday.

B & J had earlier responded to my SOS earlier on christmas day, and said they'd meet to talk on the 26th.

I had 2+ hours to get some semblance of rest. Most of it was spent tossing, turning, checking my phone, and being overwhelmed by the multitude of emotions. 

We met at Vivo. I arrived first, followed by B. All around me were angmoh families obviously in the festive mood, downing christmas meats and the like. And I had puffy eyes and periorbital areas rubbed raw from crying. B listened....J came over later. I'm not quite sure if I was coherent, or I represented the story well. 

~~

I tried to say how well we got along. How natural the connection seemed. How much we had in common, how I respected your values and outlook on life (save for this bit of irresponsibility). How I wasn't even being on my best behavior - unlike previous crushes - because I had no plans to fall for anyone. But I don't know how you got past this wary wall of mine. (i've told you that before, too). 

That we could see a future together, and how tangible it seemed.

That what pained me so much was that how real the opportunities seemed, but how we just were too afraid to try. I remember you asking me if it'd be more cruel and unfair to me if you kept me around while you tried to figure out the doubts/uncertainties, and i choked through my tears: but at least we'd have tried. It pained me that whilst we both seemed to want the endpoint so much, you were too afraid? to give it a chance. 

I hope, or I could not live. ~ H. G. Wells

~~

B said that I was by nature rather optimistic and tried to see the best in people. She felt the last 3 guys (missing out yz) - J (hker), A (divorcee), and D (you) were similar in the sense that.....I seemed to be falling for guys who showed flaws and were somewhat real, and somewhat still proud. (oops. destructive habits much. Something to tackle another day.)

Most of the rest of the day was spent crying and trying to sleep. You texted a little, asking me how I was, and saying you were gonna break out soon coz you tend to have breakouts when you got really stressed.

27th, Sunday

Mindnumbing ache. Got up to go to church. i really needed this. 

Met jo's mom on the way to church. I hugged her, and she seemed a bit reserved, and asking about my job, etc - then said in Mandarin, (let it be done) according to His Will. 

... 痛苦從眼中流下，我知道你為我擦

在早晨我也要來對你說，主耶穌今天我為你活； 所需要的力量你天天賜給我，你恩典夠我用。

This song got me tearing in the middle of service - such was the hurt. I was hurting so much that the sermon was a blur despite my best efforts to concentrate: but I distinctly remember that the sermon touched on if Christians declared that their faith and hope was in God, they shouldn't worry too much about things that they did not understand in their lives. Perhaps I was drawing too many parallels to my situation, but it definitely was relevant...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

~ Isa 55:8-9.

I brought my laptop to blog - The memories are so precious that I did not want to lose them; yet they hurt too much that the sheer weight of them would wear me out very soon. And I wasn't quite a fan of distracting myself and not facing problemes (sounds familiar, my dear?)

Whilst blogging, I was torn apart by how you were unnaturally quiet with short replies....Around noon I told you, if you were tempted to be distant, please don't....because it pushes people away: I wasn't sure if you were trying to heal, or whether you didn't want to talk to me. You replied some while later, saying that I was likely too sensitive, and that you weren't being distant. That hurt a lot: it was quite obvious that this was indeed not your usual.

Went for singing class after. 吻得太逼真 made me tear. Clem asked sarcastically if someone had died during Christmas, with my obviously lackluster rendition of White Christmas...and I quietly replied that I had to choose a song that wouldn't make me cry. 

Cliff and Clem gave me a hard-love slapping of sorts after class, with the latter declaring that 'You have just dodged a bullet!'. Well he's definitely seen his fair share of affairs in the outside world, and while Cliff was lacking in experience in the relationship department, he was horrified at the whole situation. I wondered if i'd cut you too much slack: but no, I know the irrationality and impulsiveness of love, and I was wont to fall in love myself too, as I'd told you before. However in retrospect I guess that perhaps I need to be a little more stringent and selfish. I told them about our conversation about coming back, and doors open - and boy, did they explode. General idea - No, and I deserve better. You have no idea how pained I was.....as I told you, I did - and still do - love you with all your flaws. 

Blogged a bit more before meeting Jas. Thank you my dear girl, for taking time out, and limping all the way through botanic gardens to listen to me. She said that you seem like a really nice person, but she was uncomfortable with the way you were two-timing. And that there was a difference between being attracted, and choosing to act on it. (How true! I had observed this restraint with 2-3 of my seniors). Again, I saw bits of my impulsive self in you - so no, I don't hate you for it. 

I dragged myself to funan to get a new water bottle. I couldn't bear using the one you gave, and being reminded of you again and again each time i drank. But please don't feel like it's wasted. It'll be cherished and kept in my cupboard..locked in a safe subconscious part of my heart, so that it doesn't mess with the rest of me. I'm sorry, but i'm trying to cope. Did you know that I intended to get an orange bottle, but I got a purple one instead - at the risk of being pained by how similar it was in color to the one you gave - so at least i would still remember you? 

Chances are we'll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities over me

Met jx after that. Sometimes i'm in two minds about talking to her about these kind of things, because she does bring a bit much of herself/end up talking about her rship when I was just friggin hurting and wanted to curl up.

I can't see your fb background picture - did you change it? to something more sensitive?


-----
thanks jo, for offering advice in that slightly reserved way of yours. I always wonder how you'd feel about my romantic misadventures - each time I'd get my heart shattered, and would end up asking you, because I trusted that you understood my insecurities best - and you had a heart that was after God. I wonder how you'd feel seeing me like this. I'm sorry that I must have caused you so much heartache, so long ago. But i'm happy that you are happy now, even though I do sometimes feel like it's one of the biggest mistakes i made in life. 

I told him about how I felt you needed God, and he pointed out that it's all by His Grace that yk converted and he's together with him now. That we can evangelize but God is the overall mastermind. 

He brought up the Christian aim of a relationship - to point each other towards God, so that you and the other person can be more holy. Secondary aims would be for companionship and to enjoy a unit as a family. About how....having a really nice guy whom I can mesh with is nice, but if the head of the household cannot lead the family towards God - and i'm not strong enough to point myself to God....it may not be such a great idea.


I really wish that I can have a relationship with someone i really love and who really likes me back, with such a focus on God. At the moment i'm just tempted to pray that He'll let us work out.....even if i know that I should be just praying for His will to be done.

of options, stupidity and pride, and doors closed and open. (3)

After I got back from Penang - it would be the Christmas week.

You mentioned that you had to work a full day on Christmas eve, and sounded quite depressed about it - I made a mental note to perhaps cook something to cheer you up. It took quite a lot of planning, did y'know? I went back to my marsiling home on the Wednesday 23rd, after doing grocery, so that I could cook. You said you were falling sick and feeling feverish too, so I planned to bring some Vit C and fruit. However you weren't able to give me a ride on Wed (probably had to fetch her, didn't you?) so I decided to just send the stuff over to you after my Wednesday lectures. Later that day you asked what I was up to, and I replied that i was making dinner for myself for the next day - beef. I had to travel back to s'goon too.

On and off you had these little crises when i got emo, and you promised that you'd read the letter. But your days were long and you needed sleep, so I told you to read it, but no hurry, to take your time to decide. 

Christmas eve came. You looked curiously as I opened the back seat and popped a semitransparent bag in. 'What's that?' you asked. 'Your lunch.' I smiled mischievously. We had made plans to meet earlier that day - a good half hour earlier - on hindsight, did you know that you were saying goodbye? After the first niceties we kissed, again...We were still in the little road just down from my place, and dawn had just broken, so it was kinda limited somewhat. Yes, you gave me butterflies in my stomach and shivers. I didn't want to tear myself away from lying in your bosom, and we kept going back to lock lips again.

The rest of the day passed somewhat in a blur - met my family for lunch, then I guess you went for your regular date and got back late.

Christmas Day
I could sense a different tone the next morning when you awoke. Had something changed last night, I wondered, but brushed it off. 

Sometime at noon you woke and we started talking. Somehow the conversation turned to smoking, and you asked what if you smoked, etc. After a few back-and-forths, I asked if you were trying to push me away (by painting yourself in a bad light), and somehow you responded along the lines of...
I'm a sweet girl, yada, and I deserve better treatment - which is not possible from you at the moment
that you can't promise or guarantee anything
that perhaps you should go
that at the moment there are a lot of uncertainties between us
and time is running out to clear the doubts.
my mind and emotions were churning all through my 2-6pm shift. It didn't help that it was one of my more horrible shifts in recent memory - the queue was perpetually 7 people long. I had to put on a professional face despite feeling like my insides were being cut up and wrung. 
I asked why you sounded alright - you responded that you had slept at 6am and couldn't think of any other solution.
Shift felt like it was never going to end, but it eventually did. I dragged myself back to Marsiling for Christmas dinner, and whilst waiting for dinner I hid in my brother's room and cried my heart out. And asked if please could I see you later.
I went back to S'goon after dinner, and sprawled on my bed alternating between crying and texting you. I admit I had crazy thoughts running through my head - what if I could have a child with you? Would that make you stay? I even googled for fertility timeframes - but realized my peak was likely yesterday/the ovum may not be viable today. That said, I was mentally steeling myself for that crazy idea. I bathed and brushed my teeth.



You came around 1am. That would be the last time I walked to your car...my steps were heavy, and I opened the door and plopped in. You asked me how I was, and I burst out: why do you keep asking me this? How else would you expect me to feel? You answered in a near-whimper - but i'm worried about you...

The questions came fast and furious. I asked what you meant. You kept repeating your two points about 
(1) at the moment there are a lot of doubts and uncertainties between us
(2) and time is running out to clear the doubts
I had tons of questions: 
What uncertainties and doubts? (you mentioned class differences, and after i tried to quash them, you said that even if they weren't an issue for me, they were for you) I pointed out that your fiance was from st nick-AJ-NTU and therefore wasn't that different from me, but you replied that you guys had similar jobs and salaries, and that you would likely have already surpassed her career-wise. - this guy has an ego and a subconscious need to be better than the girl, I thought to myself. 
Did you feel that they were insurmountable? 
Or did you feel that they could be tackled, but needed time?
Did you even want to tackle the doubts and uncertainties?

We drove to the carpark near hougang to continue talking. I pointed out that there were basically 3 options:
(1) to not pursue this. Which would also mean an end to this, because there would be no further avenues for us to know each other better, and work out the doubts and uncertainties.
(2) I could stick around while you worked it out
(3) End the engagement, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties.
I hated bringing in (3), because I did not want to suggest such a thing. However you kept reiterating your two points - and not facing the options - that's why I kept bringing you back to the options. You rejected (2), because you said it wasn't fair to me - or to you.
You asked if I blamed fate. I said no, because blaming wouldn't help anything. You said you did, because fate allowed us to meet too late. I pointed out that I refuse to blame fate - because it ascribed the locus of control to something else other than ourselves - thus absolving us from responsibility and the power to make choices. It was like saying, i'm powerless over my life and what happens in it. But the truth was, you are not powerless - you likely were too scared to make a decision. 
You said that at the moment, although it was a very sweet 4-5 weeks (6, silly boy), there were too many doubts that you had, and you had 'no indication at this moment that we would end up together'. 

You said we hadn't even gone out on a single real date, and that all our contact was on whatsapp and morning meetings so far (with the exception of the occasional coffee/drink). And kept saying that time was not on our side. There were many times that I lapsed back into tearing/crying. I tried pointing out that with option (3), wouldn't the clock stop??? then time wouldn't be an issue, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties. After frustratedly exploring the options, you said you couldn't convince yourself to break off an engagement for someone what you met for 6 weeks. That stung. Reality hurts. I wanted to ask, was I not good enough? Why weren't we worth the risk? I argued that no damn relationship - nothing in this world comes with a guarantee. That you just have to take a chance on what you want, and give it a shot, if you wanted it badly enough. I had said time and time again that I couldn't give a guarantee either, but I was prepared to work very hard to give my best shot. You said then that you were afraid that our differences would surface in the future; you said again tonight that you looked at the worst-case scenario. I can't remember if I said that your previous relationships - this engagement - nothing - came with a guarantee, and that you just had to try. I think you mumbled something about us running out of time to explore the "doubts and uncertainties". I was frustrated and defeated by the circular arguments, and started to viciously dig into your sides/tickle you out of frustration. Then I gave up and cried. 


You reached out as I was sobbing, and somehow we ended up in the back seat again. This time we had a little harder a time finding a poorly-lit area, and ended up driving around DF quite a few times.

This time our actions were a little tinged with reservation and sadness, with the knowledge that we may not see each other again after today. I was a little bewildered when you did ask me...along the way....to diy in front of you, and tried to convince me into oral. I went along with it because...more than anything...I didn't want to let you go. Along the way we found ourselves in that compromising position, and you asked wasn't it against my original wishes. Yes, but I wanted to. You kept saying you could't take such a thing from me, but I kept saying that I wanted it. After a few back and forths we found ourselves in various states of undress, with you almost stripped, and mumbling that you really wanted to F- me/you really wanted to have sex with me. I almost pulled your briefs off you, when you regained some reason and we went back into holding our heads in our hands...you mumbling that you cannot take such a thing from me, and i've been saving it, and how could I give it to you....and me feeling really pained that I couldn't even leave with that bit of you.

Occasionally it would be punctuated by my sobbing and your morose silence. A few times you kept getting startled because you thought the heavy vehicles around us had started up...you would suddenly scramble to put your clothes on. Maybe it's the subconscious fear of being caught, or maybe it was a remnant of over-vigilance from your police days. I just watched, partially dressed, at the side, til you calmed down. 
Time passed too fast and dawn came. Reluctantly you drove me home...just as dawn broke. For the last time you pulled into S'goon....and looked at the houses around us, and commented how...you probably won't see this come Monday.

What was supposed to be a goodbye dragged into more crying. I asked how I'd ever fill this huge hole in my heart. 
I asked you to promise me to fight for the things you love in life, from today, even thought you hadn't for this.
Told you to live well and take care of yourself, because I wouldn't be around to care for you.
I told you not to be stupid or proud - if there was any way that I could help you, to come and find me; I would help you if I could. eg. your Law application...if you needed medicine.. you said you'd remember forever those words, not to be stupid or proud. 
You asked if you could keep my two books: The Defining Decade / What Everybody is Saying. The former is quite a favorite book of mine: i asked why you wanted them. You said that they had my scribbles and highlights on them...and when you missed me, you wanted to be able to feel like my thoughts were around as you read them. That was really silly and painful of you, do you know? You had the power to change things, but instead chose to wallow in self-pity...
I stupidly asked you if your current relationship didn't work out, whether you would come back to find me. You were hesitant, before saying that if I had moved on, you didn't want to disturb my life. 
I retorted sadly that the truth was that....you'd probably just have gotten sucked into the swirl of marriage then kids then moved on with your life, and i'd just be a dull aching scar in your past.
You asked if you ever came back...would I still have the door open for you. Against my better judgement, I said yes. I know I shouldn't take you back, but all I could think of at the moment was wanting it to work, and how much I liked you, and what a lost opportunity it was. How would you know anyway, I ventured. You told me to tell you when I had a new guy. I sadly agreed. 
I remember how you looked by this time - your moderately big eyes with double eyelids were red, you seemed to have aged so much. Here was a person who told me how he had to bury and stifle his feelings when he saw murders and heartbreaking crime scenes....who took pride in being a male chauvinist and a provider and caring for people. You were tearing and close to choking back tears. You knew it too, and said that I was the ?first girl to make you cry so much. 
You made me promise to take care of myself. I asked if you'd miss my kisses....definitely, you said. You asked me to please continue to do the things I loved, and not to quit caring for people/medicine because of you. Don't be silly, I said. If i do so, it's coz I want to live without regrets. You said' you'd keep the penguin forever. And that whilst the Creative speakers may one day spoil, 'the water bottle is destructible', unless i lost it. I fingered your dog tag, trying to remember the numbers on them: T02336...? through my tears and swirling emotions, and asked if I could have it. You hesitated, and replied that it's not that you weren't willing to give it to me, but would it help me? I, too, knew that the answer was likely to be no....but I just wanted a piece of you. 
You nagged me about taking care of myself, about my loose low-cut collars on my tops, and 'protecting my assets'...and made a bitter joke about how you had a VIP pass to them. I said i'd miss your hand, and how they protected mine. I tried to remember how mine fit into yours, interlaced, slightly larger than mine, warm and slightly moist. I asked if I could take a picture. You asked if it would help, but you relented. You did position your hand closer to me  - a part of me wondered whether it was because you didn't want any images that could identify you. 
The mood grew somber and we alternated between tearing and you trying to wipe your tears. We kissed, sadly, and went back for more....such sadness was in those kisses.

Drive safe and let me know when you're back safely, I made you promise. Then I said that I should go.


我的爱　明明还在　转身了才明白

该把幸福　找回来　而不是各自缅怀


At around 7:51AM, you said that you were back safely. 

I collapsed into bed and tried to cry myself to sleep.

dithering. (2)

I passed you my headphones to see if you would enjoy them - since you were into classical guitar music and pop vocals. You loved it, so I decided to get it as a way of repaying the debt of my present. Getting it was a little harder than I thought, and on the 4th, you asked me who I was with whilst I was trudging around PS to get the earbuds...that honestly set me off as I knew you were out with her, and I didn't want to ask you about it. I felt hey, I don't think you have a right to question me here..

So that explains the letter I wrote. I also talked to Angela that day, too - and I guess from a Christian perspective there were a ton of red flags and i admitted to myself that it wasn't quite the best foundation for a relationship. 

On Saturday the 5th I wanted to pass it to you, before the new week started, so that there would be a clean break - but you were out and busy again, so I busied myself with making a wool-needled penguin for you. Glad you liked it. You eventually decided to come over in the wee hours of the morning, after some dirty talk that got us kinda...fired up. You drove over, I gave you the penguin, and we ended up at DF.....3+ hours that went by way too fast. you were quite respectful of my boundaries (but what's the preoccupation with head! :\). I secretly wished it didn't have to end. We made our way back at 6.... How did a want to break it off come to this.

You mentioned that the coming Monday would be an extremely hectic one for you, and I didn't have the heart to pass you the letter that day, as originally intended. I had prepared 2 more bottles of cough medication and some medicated plasters for you and your mom, because i figured that you'd run out of medication soon...and I may not be around to help you. 

I eventually passed your the headphones mid-week, removing the letter from the bag because I couldn't bear to say goodbye. But I gave it to you just before I left the car - after you asked for it when i hid it away. Did you know how my heart was hurting with a visceral pain? 

怎么才能让我告诉妳　我不愿意　
教彼此都在孤独里忍住伤心




I guess both of us couldn't quite bear to leave. You kept putting off reading the letter, as you told me later, coz you kinda knew what was in it. I somehow kept hoping that something would be able to be worked out. Escapism much, DC? I see much shades of myself in you, but I gotta say that I'm more man that you in handling this issue...lol. It was a struggle for me every time you asked me on Sundays - and other days - if I needed a lift/wanted you to come over the next day. Don't get angry with the times I said: up to you, or asked whether you wanted to do so. I wanted you to make a conscious choice and acknowledge it yourself that you wanted to stay with me, instead of being swept along by 'fate' or 'what others/i wanted' - the latter absolves you of responsibility and the courage to choose. 

I love the talks we had, walking in anticipation to your car at 7:30am, seeing you 'Morning!' on my phone....the kisses, and the heartfelt talks. You and your silly habit of parking outside Blk 1 to lock lips...with scant regard to all the cars zooming by  :O (actually you just couldn't be bothered, right?)  Later on we parked behind NHC - way better i must say ;)

I'll forever remember why I suddenly have an SB roar 2 as my computer speakers now (and your cute rave about how awesome bluetooth speakers are). 
De-shelling boiled eggs and packing grapes for breakfast will be bittersweet.
I was so touched when you appeared with a water bottle for me - I had lost mine in hospital and had been using a disposable bottle in the interim. You had a cute rave about how it was awesome. Thank you. I didn't know you noticed.
You producing a little container with grapes on the 21st, after I had touched down from Penang late the previous night. I may have mentioned offhand how I had run out of food at home before my trip - I was astonished and really touched that you remembered. 
How you had your incurable 職業病  where you would want to hear me say, explicitly, things that could be inferred from actions. So you asked me time and again if I liked the speakers, if I liked the bottle, and if I liked the grapes, and how I felt....at first I was quite bemused, but I grew to like to lovingly answer them, if they would make you smile. 
How do I forget those big warm sweaty palms that wrapped reassuringly around mine, while you drove with only your right hand? 'I can handle it,' you proclaimed, and I would tease that I knew, because you went for advanced driving courses, didn't you?
Waking up to your 'sorry, i KOed' after texting late into the night. I know you sleep early and need a lot of sleep...thank you for wanting to text me late into the night and bid me goodnight, with my super-late sleeping habits. 
How you were sensitive and understanding, taking time to apologize for a delay.
Your inquisitive mind, how we could understand each other and where each was coming from.
Talking to you on the phone - first time was when you called when I was on call, at 2am on my Thursday 17th dec call. Boy, I was friggin tired...but we just talked and talked for around 2h before I collapsed into bed. We talked again, when I was in Penang...here I was at the hotel lobby, smiling to myself and talking whilst the man utd game played...we talked into the late night. I really did enjoy those hours, y'know?

6 weeks. (1)

much has happened in the last 6 weeks.

6 weeks ago, I was desperately trying to find car-pooling options on online forums, because my knee injury made walking from the train station to my workplace difficult. After looking at a few user-posted routes and shortlisting a few, I contacted a few.

You were one of the first to get back to me. and asked for my whatsapp number too, for easier communication. I remember I was slotting when i replied that message.

It wasn't til more than a week later, when you got back from your holiday, that I took your car for the first time. It was a Monday, 16th Nov, and I was on call. After several failed hints to get you to drive farther into my estate - I was resigned and accepted the suggestion to meet at the bus stop across the road. It was quite a distance for me to limp...but I could tell that you weren't that keen on my other suggestions. You were very punctual, and though I arrived on the dot - you had already arrived shortly before that, and had texted me to ask where I was. I was self-conscious as i limped to your car - in my corduroy dance pants and clingy tee (had planned to change into scrubs) - and definitely could feel the eyes on me.

Apart from my first impressions of you being a rather slick-looking CBD type (probably the kind that clubs, delighting in picking up girls).. the first ride went by rather uneventfully. We made small talk, I asked you about your work, conceded that I wasn't quite sure what compliance and bank work was. To my horror I didn't bring small change - but you said it was okay and I could pay the next time - crap, okay looks like i have to take this guy's car again. 

You continued on/off texting and making small talk through the day, and the call, and the next morning - I remember wondering why I was sharing little bits of myself like how I was going to get breakfast etc, and you asked for a picture of it, and I was abit bewildered but went along with it. Then you asked for a selfie, and I was hesitant coz 1) you're a total stranger 2) I look bad postcall. But i managed to snap a not-too-shabby one and sent it over. I remember your reply that it was....beautiful. And I told myself then, that this was a slightly sweet-tongued guy that appeared a tad too interested too soon.

Over the next 2 weeks we chatted and shared more. I was a little bemused when you would send me situational questions over whatsapp, centered mainly around what a girl would do with her in-laws, or situations with her bf - figured out you were probably asking for a friend, or trying to pick my brain to see where I stood on certain issues. In the beginning did you know I replied mainly out of politeness? As time went by, I began showing a bit more of who I was as a person, as well as my opinions, in these conversations. You also shared about yourself, your past, and who you were as a person. I think it was during these 2 weeks that I had an inkling that you seemed more than interested in me as a friend, coz you were basically texting the whole day.... One night I flat-out told you I was going to facestalk you and asked for your surname. You declined but I kinda found you.....with.....mention of a relationship on the profile, since 2013. No big deal, I wasn't expecting anything anyway I guess.

So the next few rides I asked you about it - and you conceded (conceded gives the atmosphere at that time i think) that yes, you had one. I was slightly disappointed inside, but reminded myself that anyway I wasn't looking for anything. We carried on our texting and communication.

Do you remember the day that you dropped by when I was on call? That was just 1 week into knowing each other, a Sunday - the 22nd. G-song was on call with me, and I was suspiciously texting most of the time. You were at some acquarium thing with you dad. You dropped by after you guys were done, and I remember being quite astonished with myself at how secretly happy I was to see you. There was a brief fight in starbucks when i refused to let you pay, and we had a short chat (just 20min?) before I had to run. (Around the same time I noticed you were coughing so I just suggested that perhaps I could grab some medicine for you.)

I did remember the medicines on the Tuesday, and you were genuinely shocked that I had remembered. I think I said something about being a woman of my word. I remember sharing about G/T and their engagement, and somehow the issue of couples signing up for apartments and getting married coz 'they felt it was about time' came up, and you agreed a pinch too enthusiastically. You always seemed to mention, too, that the status with your gf was a tad complicated.

Later that week, I was at BV postcall on a Friday for the dance recital...when I asked what you meant by 'things were ?cast in stone.' After much tormented sighs over text, you explained that you guys had a banquet date set for end of next year - and was there mention of a house? I remember just being really shocked by the gravity of it.

The next day, 28th, I asked if we could meet. Brought you to the rooftop at OC, and gently asked you what you were thinking...I remember thinking at that time that I wasn't going to fall much into this, and I could easily extricate myself. You were obviously quite pained as I teared on/off. We hugged, for the first time.

I still kinda knew that this had to end, somewhat, so I asked if I could see you for my bday.

We met on the 1st. You had to work til late, but reassured me that we would meet. We went to ZhS, and ended up chatting at a pub.. I felt bad that you treated me to dinner, coz I know that you weren't the spendthrift kind. You regaled me with more stories of your previous job...and I remember thinking that I could listen to you forever.

I was stunned when you took out a birthday present after you drove me home. At that time my thoughts were 'omg how do I ever repay him'. No wonder you were insistent on asking my home computer speaker model after i told you that i loved music. (what a conincidence, too, that we both used the Philips Fidelio...) After a bit more chatting, you shyly asked if you could hug me.

I think by then I had unconsciously fallen deeper. 

I struggle to remember the sheer depth and breadth of our chats. We shared about ourselves, our past, our flaws, our hobbies: you and your classical guitar; I was pleasantly surprised when I realized you read, and a lot too. Our views on different things around us, and the world....shared love for music and contemporary vocals, certain food, and how we simply reacted to things and interacted with the world. I fell for your mind, and who you were as a person. I guess i saw bits of myself in you - flawed, vulnerable, but trying to be strong.

I was struck by how easy and natural it felt to talk to you: in comparison to other people whom i had a crush on, I didn't quite feel compelled to present the 'best me' to you, but I just felt like I was being myself. And you made me want to be the best that I could, and I did silly things like prepare a portion of boiled egg and fruit for you when I got my own breakfast. It always brought some joy to me to present it to you in the morning :)


I've told you a lot about me. About my vulnerable points, and how I surprised myself by showing that vulnerability to you. In opening up to you, I was aware that I was at risk of getting my heart broken. But without trusting and being vulnerable, I felt that there wasn't a way to really understand how the other person was like. (in retrospect, I remember something I read in a book about opening up to people in measured amounts, at appropriate stages. Maybe we skipped too much here...) I explicitly told you that as you had previously worked in Intelligence and the p/ force, coupled with how I didn't quite hide my feelings.....I'd be quite an open book to you. And with your 5 previous girlfriends, bluffing a rather naive girl like me would be reaaally simple. And that I was stupid to have fallen for you. You laughed then, and said that yes, I was stupid to have followed a stranger into his car for carpooling and then trusted him so much. We'd smile, and then went back to the comfortable companionable atmosphere that we shared. 

Dear Mr Ex-Policeman

Dear Mr Ex Policeman, a.k.a. DC, two letters which I have grown very accustomed to seeing on my phone:

I should have seen this coming - think I did, but chose to throw caution to the wind. I'm sitting at my desk writing, after seeing your trying-hard-to-be-nonchalant-and-formal text from the evening of 4 Dec.

How did we end up like this? Perhaps we have an inkling in us - something about hoping against hope, inexplicable attraction, and a surreal match in habits and interests (at least that's what i can say about myself).

Lest you feel tempted to write it off as 'just another fling' for both, I'd just like to set a few things straight (because I know you prefer things clarified) (and because some people would be tempted to dismiss it as 'it was all play anyway' in order to subconsciously lessen their hurt)


Firstly, today I was in town. In a desperate attempt to just drop into a shop that may carry what you are now holding in your hands. Because i've been emailing and calling the brand HQ to check which outlets have stock for it when it's sold out online - to no avail. Oh, and when I was slow to reply your text yesterday - making you conclude that I was ignoring you - I was actually distracted by many many browser windows: researching if there was any better choice/checking if I could buy them from the US. Anyway it doesn't matter, in all senses of the word: you seemed to like the sound when trying it, and...well, coz it probably doesn't matter now.

You'll probably wonder if I really liked you, or if I was just playing/whiling my time away. Well I'd have told you before that I would rather be alone, than with bad company, or someone I didn't feel like spending my time with. That, and I've cut short many exploratory hanging-out/whatever you call them coz I just couldn't like the person, no matter how good they sound on paper. I don't think I was craving any excitement or the inevitable heartbreak when I signed up for this, but I did so knowingly and willingly.

Your job, background, or who you are have never figured in the equation. I've reassured you that I don't care for a rich/successful/high-status guy whom I cannot click with/someone whom i do not respect/someone without a good heart - and I meant every word of what I said. There is also no delusion that anyone is a perfect person: I realized early on, and along the way, that you can be somewhat of a chauvinist, escapist (so am I, when it comes to hard problems, but i'm working on it), a tad egoist (but it's okay coz it's not excessive), a bit controlling, a bit possessive, and....sometimes not very responsible. I'm not perfect too. But I like your attitude, your heart, and I see all those parts as little bits that make you who you are, and that's more than cool with me.

I did have misgivings about the circumstances which this started - I did feel that you were being a tad overly friendly in the beginning, and a tad flirty. That, and not telling me about her, until the inevitable (albeit open) Facestalk. And not being upfront about how deeply you're invested in it. And would someone without religious inclination lack signposts to say that this wasn't qt the right thing to do? (that said, i am acutely aware that many self-professed religious people have crap values, and I do personally know non-religious people who have morals as strong as a rock.)
There was a this-is-a-damn-bad-idea feeling the whole time after I knew, but I guess we just fell deeper. And somehow was hoping everything would magically be okay.

Of course, I was also worried that if this could happen to her, it could happen to me, too - if we ever got together. I was quite ready to forgive that, though, and hope that we could work something out.

Yes, i'm willing to care for you. And support your dreams. And work together for the things that are important to you. Don't say that all these are delusions of puppy love: these are things that I will do for the person I love, because a couple is supposed to work together in life and help each other be the best that the other can be. It's not going to be easy, but I believe hard work and difficulties breed resilience and shared understandings.


Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, to share about yourself, your past, and your dreams. For being the person you are: sometimes-vulnerable but still-stubbornly-brave self, down-to-earth and honest, caring to share candidly with a stranger like me, and being earnest and ever-so-giving, and for having the courage and the sheer craziness to love someone different from you. For that ridiculously cute smile and intoxicating scent. For showing me that I can find such friendship, compatibility, and love in unexpected places. For treating me as an equal in sharing opinions and ideas. And for not judging me.


You're probably wondering what cause me to eventually step away, even though I was on the brink of doing so last weekend, after the talk at the rooftop. The last week was nothing short of beautiful: I enjoyed each morning even if i just sat in silence knowing you were beside me; holding hands in silence and letting a big warm pair just take charge; burying my face in your shoulders and hoping that it didn't have to end; waking up to a 'Morning!' and trying to contain my excitement walking to your car. No, I don't do this often with guys, neither do I let them mess me up this easily. But I guess I came to a realization today - while telling myself for the nth time not to be wistful or jealous that he's going out with her, because you're not the girlfriend after all - that this wasn't a good foundation for anything: the fundamental security I'd like to feel wasn't there, and despite your very best efforts to reassure me how much I meant to you, there was something glaringly obvious that would undermine all your efforts.
I'd start catching myself wondering about her, and being envious about how you guys obvious had an awesome holiday/saturday was a day to look forward to. Then i'd feel guilty about 'wanting too much' and have conflicting feelings about my worth as a woman - to have a man to love her and her only, and then obviously you'd feel guilty about everything you've done.

So I've decided to step away for now.


Please don't wish me 'a better future' (I don't see a future with you as any worse) or that i 'find a better guy'  (I say you're a good guy, period.). Please don't make excuses for me, or for us.


I still remember that you owe me a song on your guitar (Twinkle twinkle little star is not accepted) and I owe you a song (my flu is kinda bad now and i just had a rather bad exacerbation of runny nose and teary eyes the entire time i was penning this down). While I still wish I can hear you say my chinese name sometime - perhaps after you have fixed that guitar - I don't think the current circumstances are right.

Love always,
NL.