Parting gifts

I do believe that others sometimes see us clearer than we do/than we know ourselves. We do have our blind spots, our misconceptions, our (sometimes misguided) beliefs about ourselves and how we'd like to view ourselves. That's why I try - or my rational-other-brain tries to put the brakes on and ask Hey girl are you missing something here?

You've known me for "4 years, since 2012"...

"...strikes me as someone who is full of energy and curiosity, always wanting to learn more and do more"

"...is also very driven, and will do her best to achieve what she sets out to do. As such, she is able to get things done, and within the given time."

"Academically she has no problems coping with the demands of acquiring the necessary knowledge and qualifications for her medical training, and more. During ward rounds and academic discussions, she is able to present her assessments and opinions logically and intelligently."

"She likes to find things out for herself, and asks relevant questions. She is capable of independent learning. 

I've to say that i do value your opinion a lot; you're hands down my top role model in all my years of work - not because of just the technical genius, but also the self-sacrificing attitude - with a heart directed towards God. 

It is with much sadness that i concluded so many years back that i'm too weak by myself to be able to give so much of myself away, to serve as you do - that is why I did not follow in your footsteps. (of course, now i know that the strength comes not from within us, but from Him...oh well)

I know that i'm not supposed to base my self-worth on others' opinions of me; so i'm going to use this as much-appreciated feedback from a respected mentor, and also reminders of what to aim for, and what i may not realize i'm capable of. And a reminder of the blessings that God has given me: a wonderful opportunity to work with people who are happy to teach, guide (work- wise and personal-wise), and who are awesome role models, and who are affirmative and encouraging. 

I've been blessed indeed, although i may always realize it. ;)

Going home

Post-call and winding down after meeting a happy ex-lawyer for lunch (maybe not totally ex-, just happy in-house), g-liu called and asked to speak to me.

His concern was that while he was happy to write a favorable form for me, he felt that the admissions team would look askance as to my choice of academic referee: 1 month-long tutor, in the middle of uni. I sheepishly explained the need for an acad referee vs work referee, and how I couldn't ask my current bosses.


So that's how I ended up cabbing down to that pte hospital. Everything is still etched in my mind as it was just yesterday. Feeling fateful as I walked through the corridors, opened the doors to your clinic, saying hi to the CA who recognized me (but for the life of me I couldn't remember her name).

I uneasily sat across you and stammered as I tried to explain why I was here.

Where do I start?
What do I say?
How do I explain?
Which do I explain?

It all came out in a jumble: How I wasn't enjoying the current job - I think a convenient analogy about fussing over nodules was used to illustrate the excessively inward-looking vibe that I got (to which you protested that it was but a small part of the specialty). How I was planning to move into administration, keep options open.

You asked if it was necessary to leave clinical medicine. If I've considered other specialties - I said yes, I have... If i had considered other specialties- I said yes I declined IR and there's the option of uro RP. Then you asked what if I was offered residency.

There was a tangy silence that hung in the air for a few moments, before I exhaled and said, painfully, that it wouldn't solve the reason why I left in the first place: because I wanted to be more hands-on raising kids.

After some silence, you said It's okay, different people treasure different things in life, and it seems like I've already thought through my options, and that admin may provide the work life balance I'm looking for.

After a bit of jokes and half-serious teasing that you're wont to do,  and you explaining why YCJ was on the calendar cover (it did feel like the old days again, where I'd ask curious questions and you'd patiently answer them), we parted ways with a firm handshake and a smile.


I left the hospital and walked towards tanglin, tears welling up in my eyes.

Did you know that I never said goodbye to you all,  because I didn't want to mentally confirm to both you all and myself that I was really leaving? That I still really loved working there, and that it was because of circumstances - that I'm not sure you guys would misconstrue as lack of interest - that was the reason for me not joining? I called Jo and cried. He had wise words for me....and reminded me that you had worked very hard, and that I needed to be aware of the full picture.

On Friday I popped by your clinic to get the letter.: All the best, you said.

stumbling on memories

I'm trawling through my external HDD in an attempt to find a tutorial group photo to jolt the memory of an ex-tutor/find some old documents.

Opening up the photos from 2009 - a good 6 years ago - photos of us suddenly appear, slotted amongst the other photos of my classmates and i horsing around.

What strikes me is that i can't care less about how pimply or unfashionable i looked during my school days - but all i realized was that i looked happy. and you looked happy. You're your usual boyish down-to-earth self, and we're making those stupid funny faces and i'm pouting. I used to be way more self-conscious about how i looked, and i recognize the slight awkwardness in the way the girl in the photo posed and smiled. But hey, she didn't feel ugly in front of the boy who took the photos. 

Set after set of photos come up, folders playfully labelled with our pet names for each other. 

Then I realize how much things have changed -

it's 6 years on, and you're getting married next month. Once upon a tim we (unwisely) promised to be each others' 'special friend' forever, but the current reality is far from it - it's impratical and unfair to the people who will be significant others in our lives. I've been through more short-lived ill-fated heartbreaks than i think my heart and spirit can bear, some of which you know about, too - because i get so heartbroken i turn to you (of all people) for wise advice.

In fact, these photos were taken 1-2 years after we 'broke up' - after I broke up the relationship - because I couldn't imagine an intimate life together. 

Til now, i'm not quite sure whether i made a silly mistake. So at the grand old age of 20 I decide that I wasn't (at that point in time) as physically attracted as i thought a person should be - and I couldn't imagine progressing to marriage like that. Perhaps it was an excuse for something else, for attraction i felt to other people. So I broke up with the person i still consider to be the one who understands me the best: used to, 'til we inevitably drifted apart, because your then-girlfriend now-fiance (rightly) felt uncomfortable with how intellectual close we remained to each other.

I can't help but be drawn to the unabashedly real emotions on the photos. Youth, perhaps? in the meantime Spotify manages to reach one of the most heartwrenching songs possible for this moment, and i can't help collapsing into tears:

地方對 年份錯 都遺憾
人海中心 如捉伊因 卻沒法抱緊
日子對 名字錯 不幸
掏盡幾多光陰 不襯便不襯
誰要花一生尋遍遠近 那個散落的吻
已預約於這地球等

是對的 終於會碰到
是錯的 不管再美好
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

耀眼的 即使似瑰寶
但已經有別人擁抱
一早編好的情人 早晚 始終會等到

埋怨相識他遲了半秒 錯過美妙心跳
你遇過的心動人物 有生一天總找對了

是錯的 再動人
纏著錯的 難免徒勞
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

是你的 終於會碰到
別太早 替未來苦惱
只差一點好時辰 主角始終會等到
苦澀只不過鼓舞

After all the times i came all scarred and bloody from heartbreak inflicted by other people, I'm not sure if you'll ever ever know how much you meant to me - and how much i treasure those memories.

Thank you for having loved this very flawed person, for growing together with me, for continuing to care for me as a friend now, for helping me to grow into the woman i am. I hope you forgive me for the hurt i've inflicted, and I hope you continue to grow into the wise man that you've turned out to be. 

Have a blessed marriage, and i'm sincerely happy for the journey you've embarked on.