It's done. the 2 extra painful weeks back in the Mothership are over.
Perhaps I was somewhat insulated and slightly distant from it, and thus did not hear the bitching - I'm glad nonetheless.
PD wanted to meet me before I left, so I dragged myself over. today.
His spiel was that so I think you have lost your way a little bit....it comes across that you are just doing survival work and just want to clear the list....if you decide to come back, you need to put in more effort. your work performance has dropped and it's likely due to the lack of interest etcetc...
I'm not a fan of others 'diagnosing' or 'jumping the gun' based on amorphous non-specific examples, so i asked for specifics. after a few times of asking, he said no one wanted to check your CT Bs coz there were so many corrections to be made. If you come back you need to prove them wrong.
I was quite frustrated indeed - after 1 year of doing calls, and the once-off angry comments that my font size/font was wrong and you missed sinus mucosal thickening -it's important in headaches! and you missed artherosclerosis in the angio, if you had more specific things I'd appreciate the feedback instead of bitching about it internally. So there are the silly things like 'font size different' which I have adjusted to after coming from other hospitals...and other things like missing a finding here and there which honestly, is expected - everyone will make mistakes - and happens to everyone including sr cons.
I was just frustrated about
1. How a few vocal noisemakers had influenced others' impressions about me over little things
2. If it were troubling you so much, why not tell me instead of bitching about it for a year? And taking the chance to call and bellow loudly in front of the department about small things
3. Since when are night calls not about survival? Do you mean you don't have the intention of clearing the list, but approach on-call work with a dignified unhurried air of academic enquiry? Come on. Our meals on call are in survival mode. Our sleep, if any, is fitful and light - ready to wake up and read more scans or attend to emergencies. The xrays and emergency scans are not undertaken leisurely - we are basically just trying to handle the work given to us.
4. Don't judge me if you haven't seen my usual day-to-day work as well as attitude. That's jumping the gun. And don't speculate on the causes for your (wrong) diagnosis.
Upon returning to N|HC I was quite upset for the rest of the afternoon. N finally asked me about it when I had to check scans with him, and out came my words tumbling over each other....about how I didn't want to struggle so long against the current (against current - as evidenced by my already uphill battle with exams, and the grumbling feedback i've gotten) and exit only to be viewed as a lousy con. He explained about taking opinions with a pinch of salt, and also depending on the person dishing it out. He also alluded to the more vocal ones in the group tending to make more noise - even if the opinions weren't that warranted....and that everyone has things to learn. I shared that I was discouraged by not getting through exams, and he was beside himself in frustration trying to explain that no, they aren't difficult and can be done. And i mentioned how it was frustrating being treated like a service, with no respect to our need for focus and concentration on call - he did a well-intentioned spiel on how it's difficult but it will pass.
And also mentioned that maybe PD did that spiel thinking that it would spur me on... uhhh okay
I showed him my webbie of photos and drawings and he got a shock and after a while declared that he was going to 'make me famous'. I was quite horrified and said please don't...the reason why I don't tell others about my hobbies is because they view it as frivolous/would be inclined to view me as a 'distracted resident' and pin it as an 'explanation' for bad results.
Thanks, N, for the pep talk. It means a lot to me, whether I stay or not.....you'll be a good dad to your kids! haha.
And thanks for seeing me as a person beyond exams! Thanks for appreciating my daily work (in the short few days I had when i returned to you all), my other interests....
Right now my main bugbears are:
I don't want to prove people wrong. I don't have to. I don't need to. It's sad living like that. And whether it's even worth the effort is arguable.....i don't have to - or need to - prove my worth.
The culture is just toxic. Words can hurt, and unfair judgement is uncalled for. If you're not happy - sure, you can vent - but keeping it to a little group and not telling the person won't change anything. Of course that's assuming you even want it to change - some others are just happy making noise about less than ideal circumstances and running others down.
Enjoy yourself and have a good rest! See you in 6 months'....
I'm not so sure, N....but i'll take the 6/12, treasure them a whole lot, and have a good think...whether it's worth suffering for this.
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