Everything was the same, yet everything was different.
I stepped out of the house with a quiet phone, knowing that no brown VW was waiting for me down the road. I grabbed my single bag of fruit. I tried to steel myself as I walked past the places you usually waited for me: nearer my house, or nearer the roundabout. I tried not to remember you A&F fierce scent in the car.
Mindnumbing journey. As I walked from the MRT - blk 4 - blk 3, i imagined how you'd have driven to your workplace after dropping me at blk 3. I remembered how you'd part at blk 1 so that we could talk some more and kiss. (it started innocently enough when you parked there to ask me about your mom's Workman Comp claim form...)
There were a ton of patients today, and I wasn't checking my phone continuously for you asking about my work, or my patients....and telling me about how you were settling in. There were a couple of times I teared. I realized midway through the morning, that you had texted. It was a pale shadow of our usual round-the-clock-til-we-slept-and-resume-when-we-woke kind of texting, but....it was somewhat of a saver from yesterday's stony silence after your retort of me being oversensitive.
You asked, as usual, about my patients. How my work was. How I was.
You asked, as usual, about my patients. How my work was. How I was.
HM asked me about my christmas, and I sighed, then said that I had met friends, had dinner with family. Charles later asked me about it too, and I told him that it had been absolutely horrible.
Lunch came, and you asked what I was eating. Did you know I had totally lost my appetite? I'm not attempting to starve myself, I just had no interest in eating.
I ended up tearing and telling HL what happened. He was silent, and said he felt i've heard much of what i needed to hear already.
I couldn't help but tell SJ, too. He was initially shocked, with a retort of 'what a bastard!', but he later on said that it was really sad and in my best interests to let go...but it would never heal fully. He's right. I'm not even sure if this scar will heal by second intention. It's a scar that I would want to keep, because the memories are beautiful as they are painful. He told me later that I looked really ragged when he saw me - despite me trying to joke with him. Bless his soul for listening and trying to cheer me up on call. (and for telling me not to listen to emo songs on call)
We continued our slightly stilted conversation, with the painful elephant in the room that everything was the same in our lives, yet everything was different. I tried to catch a bit of shuteye before call. Halfway during my call you burst out, Why was I so distant?
I pointed out that I wasn't, and that I felt you were. But I was sorry for making you feel I was, and I should just talk less/shut up. you got even more sensitive and said my tone was hurtful and distant.
My insides sighed as I saw the vulnerable, hurting little boy that you were.....lacking courage, yet hurting like hell. I explained that I wasn't distant on purpose. That I may have come across as such, subconsciously, because 'if i talked like it didn't matter so much to me, perhaps it wouldn't hurt so much'. Wasn't it the same coping strategy you said you use, wrt. missing people? And that your silence on Sunday was so hurtful...and after your retort that I was being too sensitive, I had no confidence to assume that you were trying to cope - or perhaps you had just moved on.
You didn't quite answer that question, but we had somewhat more normal a conversation after. You said you were trying to cope, too.
I told Feek too, when he was taken aback that I wasn't eating anything much. He was entertaining for most of the night, and told me to try to take back lessons from the entire thing (better background checks? lol) and that he's sure i'd bounce back...
Postcall, 29th
Grabbed some shuteye before meeting Faith. Blogging in the interim: as i told you, it relives painful memories, but these are memories that I don't want to lose - that's why i'm penning them down and keeping them somewhere safe, where they are not subject to emotions, neglect, and the ravage of time.
Along the way Clem and Fiona were strongly of the idea that your fiance should know about this, for her own good. But SJ and jo think otherwise.
Faith came with E. As she tried to cajole a shy E to say hi to me, my vision suddenly blurred as I thought of how much i'd like to have a family with you, how we'd like to discipline kids as we were talking. I tried telling her coherently our story, how i felt...
She agreed that you were chauvinistic, a tad egoist. But somewhat of an escapist, running away from the hard decisions in life. That you didn't seem to have the courage to take chances, when there was no guarantee of success (no matter how much of a chauvinist you are)
She felt sorry for your fiance. And how to her, you seemed to have relegated marriage to somewhat of an intellectual decision; she explained how she felt it was a covenant with God. I'm not too sure about exact connotation of the word covenant, but perhaps she meant that the latter was holy and more of a commitment, for better or for worse. And how you may decide, in the future, that you regret more decisions.
That starting on such a shaky foundation for a relationship wasn't a great idea (i sighed when i remembered mentioning that in the letter). I told her how much I really wanted this to work, how much you said you wanted it too, and how i was pained most by how much we wanted it but....it wasn't happening coz you wouldn't give it a chance.
She said that even if you left her, you'd need some time to settle your feelings and the mess between two families,
Faith told me that.....even if you chose me, or did come back to me, she didn't feel safe entrusting me to you: because she 1) could not trust you to make important decisions if you were a tad escapist/lacked courage to stand up for what you believed in, and 2) could not trust you not to leave me in the future.
That with the decision you made, it was best to say goodbye. That given how you had handled things so far, it was best to say goodbye, for my own good. She said I deserved better.
As much as I love you and wanted this to work, I know that I wanted you to willingly love me with your whole heart, to consciously have the balls to say that you choose me over and over and over again everyday, to be proud of who we are and to responsibly take steps to make a future together - and to have the courage to chase it with me.
Along the way Clem and Fiona were strongly of the idea that your fiance should know about this, for her own good. But SJ and jo think otherwise.
Faith came with E. As she tried to cajole a shy E to say hi to me, my vision suddenly blurred as I thought of how much i'd like to have a family with you, how we'd like to discipline kids as we were talking. I tried telling her coherently our story, how i felt...
She agreed that you were chauvinistic, a tad egoist. But somewhat of an escapist, running away from the hard decisions in life. That you didn't seem to have the courage to take chances, when there was no guarantee of success (no matter how much of a chauvinist you are)
She felt sorry for your fiance. And how to her, you seemed to have relegated marriage to somewhat of an intellectual decision; she explained how she felt it was a covenant with God. I'm not too sure about exact connotation of the word covenant, but perhaps she meant that the latter was holy and more of a commitment, for better or for worse. And how you may decide, in the future, that you regret more decisions.
That starting on such a shaky foundation for a relationship wasn't a great idea (i sighed when i remembered mentioning that in the letter). I told her how much I really wanted this to work, how much you said you wanted it too, and how i was pained most by how much we wanted it but....it wasn't happening coz you wouldn't give it a chance.
She said that even if you left her, you'd need some time to settle your feelings and the mess between two families,
Faith told me that.....even if you chose me, or did come back to me, she didn't feel safe entrusting me to you: because she 1) could not trust you to make important decisions if you were a tad escapist/lacked courage to stand up for what you believed in, and 2) could not trust you not to leave me in the future.
That with the decision you made, it was best to say goodbye. That given how you had handled things so far, it was best to say goodbye, for my own good. She said I deserved better.
As much as I love you and wanted this to work, I know that I wanted you to willingly love me with your whole heart, to consciously have the balls to say that you choose me over and over and over again everyday, to be proud of who we are and to responsibly take steps to make a future together - and to have the courage to chase it with me.
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