Picking up the pieces (4)

Post Christmas, aka. 26th, Saturday.

B & J had earlier responded to my SOS earlier on christmas day, and said they'd meet to talk on the 26th.

I had 2+ hours to get some semblance of rest. Most of it was spent tossing, turning, checking my phone, and being overwhelmed by the multitude of emotions. 

We met at Vivo. I arrived first, followed by B. All around me were angmoh families obviously in the festive mood, downing christmas meats and the like. And I had puffy eyes and periorbital areas rubbed raw from crying. B listened....J came over later. I'm not quite sure if I was coherent, or I represented the story well. 

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I tried to say how well we got along. How natural the connection seemed. How much we had in common, how I respected your values and outlook on life (save for this bit of irresponsibility). How I wasn't even being on my best behavior - unlike previous crushes - because I had no plans to fall for anyone. But I don't know how you got past this wary wall of mine. (i've told you that before, too). 

That we could see a future together, and how tangible it seemed.

That what pained me so much was that how real the opportunities seemed, but how we just were too afraid to try. I remember you asking me if it'd be more cruel and unfair to me if you kept me around while you tried to figure out the doubts/uncertainties, and i choked through my tears: but at least we'd have tried. It pained me that whilst we both seemed to want the endpoint so much, you were too afraid? to give it a chance. 

I hope, or I could not live. ~ H. G. Wells

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B said that I was by nature rather optimistic and tried to see the best in people. She felt the last 3 guys (missing out yz) - J (hker), A (divorcee), and D (you) were similar in the sense that.....I seemed to be falling for guys who showed flaws and were somewhat real, and somewhat still proud. (oops. destructive habits much. Something to tackle another day.)

Most of the rest of the day was spent crying and trying to sleep. You texted a little, asking me how I was, and saying you were gonna break out soon coz you tend to have breakouts when you got really stressed.

27th, Sunday

Mindnumbing ache. Got up to go to church. i really needed this. 

Met jo's mom on the way to church. I hugged her, and she seemed a bit reserved, and asking about my job, etc - then said in Mandarin, (let it be done) according to His Will. 

... 痛苦從眼中流下，我知道你為我擦

在早晨我也要來對你說，主耶穌今天我為你活； 所需要的力量你天天賜給我，你恩典夠我用。

This song got me tearing in the middle of service - such was the hurt. I was hurting so much that the sermon was a blur despite my best efforts to concentrate: but I distinctly remember that the sermon touched on if Christians declared that their faith and hope was in God, they shouldn't worry too much about things that they did not understand in their lives. Perhaps I was drawing too many parallels to my situation, but it definitely was relevant...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

~ Isa 55:8-9.

I brought my laptop to blog - The memories are so precious that I did not want to lose them; yet they hurt too much that the sheer weight of them would wear me out very soon. And I wasn't quite a fan of distracting myself and not facing problemes (sounds familiar, my dear?)

Whilst blogging, I was torn apart by how you were unnaturally quiet with short replies....Around noon I told you, if you were tempted to be distant, please don't....because it pushes people away: I wasn't sure if you were trying to heal, or whether you didn't want to talk to me. You replied some while later, saying that I was likely too sensitive, and that you weren't being distant. That hurt a lot: it was quite obvious that this was indeed not your usual.

Went for singing class after. 吻得太逼真 made me tear. Clem asked sarcastically if someone had died during Christmas, with my obviously lackluster rendition of White Christmas...and I quietly replied that I had to choose a song that wouldn't make me cry. 

Cliff and Clem gave me a hard-love slapping of sorts after class, with the latter declaring that 'You have just dodged a bullet!'. Well he's definitely seen his fair share of affairs in the outside world, and while Cliff was lacking in experience in the relationship department, he was horrified at the whole situation. I wondered if i'd cut you too much slack: but no, I know the irrationality and impulsiveness of love, and I was wont to fall in love myself too, as I'd told you before. However in retrospect I guess that perhaps I need to be a little more stringent and selfish. I told them about our conversation about coming back, and doors open - and boy, did they explode. General idea - No, and I deserve better. You have no idea how pained I was.....as I told you, I did - and still do - love you with all your flaws. 

Blogged a bit more before meeting Jas. Thank you my dear girl, for taking time out, and limping all the way through botanic gardens to listen to me. She said that you seem like a really nice person, but she was uncomfortable with the way you were two-timing. And that there was a difference between being attracted, and choosing to act on it. (How true! I had observed this restraint with 2-3 of my seniors). Again, I saw bits of my impulsive self in you - so no, I don't hate you for it. 

I dragged myself to funan to get a new water bottle. I couldn't bear using the one you gave, and being reminded of you again and again each time i drank. But please don't feel like it's wasted. It'll be cherished and kept in my cupboard..locked in a safe subconscious part of my heart, so that it doesn't mess with the rest of me. I'm sorry, but i'm trying to cope. Did you know that I intended to get an orange bottle, but I got a purple one instead - at the risk of being pained by how similar it was in color to the one you gave - so at least i would still remember you? 

Chances are we'll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities over me

Met jx after that. Sometimes i'm in two minds about talking to her about these kind of things, because she does bring a bit much of herself/end up talking about her rship when I was just friggin hurting and wanted to curl up.

I can't see your fb background picture - did you change it? to something more sensitive?


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thanks jo, for offering advice in that slightly reserved way of yours. I always wonder how you'd feel about my romantic misadventures - each time I'd get my heart shattered, and would end up asking you, because I trusted that you understood my insecurities best - and you had a heart that was after God. I wonder how you'd feel seeing me like this. I'm sorry that I must have caused you so much heartache, so long ago. But i'm happy that you are happy now, even though I do sometimes feel like it's one of the biggest mistakes i made in life. 

I told him about how I felt you needed God, and he pointed out that it's all by His Grace that yk converted and he's together with him now. That we can evangelize but God is the overall mastermind. 

He brought up the Christian aim of a relationship - to point each other towards God, so that you and the other person can be more holy. Secondary aims would be for companionship and to enjoy a unit as a family. About how....having a really nice guy whom I can mesh with is nice, but if the head of the household cannot lead the family towards God - and i'm not strong enough to point myself to God....it may not be such a great idea.


I really wish that I can have a relationship with someone i really love and who really likes me back, with such a focus on God. At the moment i'm just tempted to pray that He'll let us work out.....even if i know that I should be just praying for His will to be done.