6 weeks ago, I was desperately trying to find car-pooling options on online forums, because my knee injury made walking from the train station to my workplace difficult. After looking at a few user-posted routes and shortlisting a few, I contacted a few.
You were one of the first to get back to me. and asked for my whatsapp number too, for easier communication. I remember I was slotting when i replied that message.
It wasn't til more than a week later, when you got back from your holiday, that I took your car for the first time. It was a Monday, 16th Nov, and I was on call. After several failed hints to get you to drive farther into my estate - I was resigned and accepted the suggestion to meet at the bus stop across the road. It was quite a distance for me to limp...but I could tell that you weren't that keen on my other suggestions. You were very punctual, and though I arrived on the dot - you had already arrived shortly before that, and had texted me to ask where I was. I was self-conscious as i limped to your car - in my corduroy dance pants and clingy tee (had planned to change into scrubs) - and definitely could feel the eyes on me.
Apart from my first impressions of you being a rather slick-looking CBD type (probably the kind that clubs, delighting in picking up girls).. the first ride went by rather uneventfully. We made small talk, I asked you about your work, conceded that I wasn't quite sure what compliance and bank work was. To my horror I didn't bring small change - but you said it was okay and I could pay the next time - crap, okay looks like i have to take this guy's car again.
You continued on/off texting and making small talk through the day, and the call, and the next morning - I remember wondering why I was sharing little bits of myself like how I was going to get breakfast etc, and you asked for a picture of it, and I was abit bewildered but went along with it. Then you asked for a selfie, and I was hesitant coz 1) you're a total stranger 2) I look bad postcall. But i managed to snap a not-too-shabby one and sent it over. I remember your reply that it was....beautiful. And I told myself then, that this was a slightly sweet-tongued guy that appeared a tad too interested too soon.
Over the next 2 weeks we chatted and shared more. I was a little bemused when you would send me situational questions over whatsapp, centered mainly around what a girl would do with her in-laws, or situations with her bf - figured out you were probably asking for a friend, or trying to pick my brain to see where I stood on certain issues. In the beginning did you know I replied mainly out of politeness? As time went by, I began showing a bit more of who I was as a person, as well as my opinions, in these conversations. You also shared about yourself, your past, and who you were as a person. I think it was during these 2 weeks that I had an inkling that you seemed more than interested in me as a friend, coz you were basically texting the whole day.... One night I flat-out told you I was going to facestalk you and asked for your surname. You declined but I kinda found you.....with.....mention of a relationship on the profile, since 2013. No big deal, I wasn't expecting anything anyway I guess.
So the next few rides I asked you about it - and you conceded (conceded gives the atmosphere at that time i think) that yes, you had one. I was slightly disappointed inside, but reminded myself that anyway I wasn't looking for anything. We carried on our texting and communication.
Do you remember the day that you dropped by when I was on call? That was just 1 week into knowing each other, a Sunday - the 22nd. G-song was on call with me, and I was suspiciously texting most of the time. You were at some acquarium thing with you dad. You dropped by after you guys were done, and I remember being quite astonished with myself at how secretly happy I was to see you. There was a brief fight in starbucks when i refused to let you pay, and we had a short chat (just 20min?) before I had to run. (Around the same time I noticed you were coughing so I just suggested that perhaps I could grab some medicine for you.)
I did remember the medicines on the Tuesday, and you were genuinely shocked that I had remembered. I think I said something about being a woman of my word. I remember sharing about G/T and their engagement, and somehow the issue of couples signing up for apartments and getting married coz 'they felt it was about time' came up, and you agreed a pinch too enthusiastically. You always seemed to mention, too, that the status with your gf was a tad complicated.
Later that week, I was at BV postcall on a Friday for the dance recital...when I asked what you meant by 'things were ?cast in stone.' After much tormented sighs over text, you explained that you guys had a banquet date set for end of next year - and was there mention of a house? I remember just being really shocked by the gravity of it.
The next day, 28th, I asked if we could meet. Brought you to the rooftop at OC, and gently asked you what you were thinking...I remember thinking at that time that I wasn't going to fall much into this, and I could easily extricate myself. You were obviously quite pained as I teared on/off. We hugged, for the first time.
I still kinda knew that this had to end, somewhat, so I asked if I could see you for my bday.
We met on the 1st. You had to work til late, but reassured me that we would meet. We went to ZhS, and ended up chatting at a pub.. I felt bad that you treated me to dinner, coz I know that you weren't the spendthrift kind. You regaled me with more stories of your previous job...and I remember thinking that I could listen to you forever.
I was stunned when you took out a birthday present after you drove me home. At that time my thoughts were 'omg how do I ever repay him'. No wonder you were insistent on asking my home computer speaker model after i told you that i loved music. (what a conincidence, too, that we both used the Philips Fidelio...) After a bit more chatting, you shyly asked if you could hug me.
I think by then I had unconsciously fallen deeper.
I think by then I had unconsciously fallen deeper.
I struggle to remember the sheer depth and breadth of our chats. We shared about ourselves, our past, our flaws, our hobbies: you and your classical guitar; I was pleasantly surprised when I realized you read, and a lot too. Our views on different things around us, and the world....shared love for music and contemporary vocals, certain food, and how we simply reacted to things and interacted with the world. I fell for your mind, and who you were as a person. I guess i saw bits of myself in you - flawed, vulnerable, but trying to be strong.
I was struck by how easy and natural it felt to talk to you: in comparison to other people whom i had a crush on, I didn't quite feel compelled to present the 'best me' to you, but I just felt like I was being myself. And you made me want to be the best that I could, and I did silly things like prepare a portion of boiled egg and fruit for you when I got my own breakfast. It always brought some joy to me to present it to you in the morning :)
I've told you a lot about me. About my vulnerable points, and how I surprised myself by showing that vulnerability to you. In opening up to you, I was aware that I was at risk of getting my heart broken. But without trusting and being vulnerable, I felt that there wasn't a way to really understand how the other person was like. (in retrospect, I remember something I read in a book about opening up to people in measured amounts, at appropriate stages. Maybe we skipped too much here...) I explicitly told you that as you had previously worked in Intelligence and the p/ force, coupled with how I didn't quite hide my feelings.....I'd be quite an open book to you. And with your 5 previous girlfriends, bluffing a rather naive girl like me would be reaaally simple. And that I was stupid to have fallen for you. You laughed then, and said that yes, I was stupid to have followed a stranger into his car for carpooling and then trusted him so much. We'd smile, and then went back to the comfortable companionable atmosphere that we shared.
I was struck by how easy and natural it felt to talk to you: in comparison to other people whom i had a crush on, I didn't quite feel compelled to present the 'best me' to you, but I just felt like I was being myself. And you made me want to be the best that I could, and I did silly things like prepare a portion of boiled egg and fruit for you when I got my own breakfast. It always brought some joy to me to present it to you in the morning :)
I've told you a lot about me. About my vulnerable points, and how I surprised myself by showing that vulnerability to you. In opening up to you, I was aware that I was at risk of getting my heart broken. But without trusting and being vulnerable, I felt that there wasn't a way to really understand how the other person was like. (in retrospect, I remember something I read in a book about opening up to people in measured amounts, at appropriate stages. Maybe we skipped too much here...) I explicitly told you that as you had previously worked in Intelligence and the p/ force, coupled with how I didn't quite hide my feelings.....I'd be quite an open book to you. And with your 5 previous girlfriends, bluffing a rather naive girl like me would be reaaally simple. And that I was stupid to have fallen for you. You laughed then, and said that yes, I was stupid to have followed a stranger into his car for carpooling and then trusted him so much. We'd smile, and then went back to the comfortable companionable atmosphere that we shared.
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