After I got back from Penang - it would be the Christmas week.
You mentioned that you had to work a full day on Christmas eve, and sounded quite depressed about it - I made a mental note to perhaps cook something to cheer you up. It took quite a lot of planning, did y'know? I went back to my marsiling home on the Wednesday 23rd, after doing grocery, so that I could cook. You said you were falling sick and feeling feverish too, so I planned to bring some Vit C and fruit. However you weren't able to give me a ride on Wed (probably had to fetch her, didn't you?) so I decided to just send the stuff over to you after my Wednesday lectures. Later that day you asked what I was up to, and I replied that i was making dinner for myself for the next day - beef. I had to travel back to s'goon too.
On and off you had these little crises when i got emo, and you promised that you'd read the letter. But your days were long and you needed sleep, so I told you to read it, but no hurry, to take your time to decide.
Christmas eve came. You looked curiously as I opened the back seat and popped a semitransparent bag in. 'What's that?' you asked. 'Your lunch.' I smiled mischievously. We had made plans to meet earlier that day - a good half hour earlier - on hindsight, did you know that you were saying goodbye? After the first niceties we kissed, again...We were still in the little road just down from my place, and dawn had just broken, so it was kinda limited somewhat. Yes, you gave me butterflies in my stomach and shivers. I didn't want to tear myself away from lying in your bosom, and we kept going back to lock lips again.
The rest of the day passed somewhat in a blur - met my family for lunch, then I guess you went for your regular date and got back late.
Christmas Day
I could sense a different tone the next morning when you awoke. Had something changed last night, I wondered, but brushed it off.
Sometime at noon you woke and we started talking. Somehow the conversation turned to smoking, and you asked what if you smoked, etc. After a few back-and-forths, I asked if you were trying to push me away (by painting yourself in a bad light), and somehow you responded along the lines of...
I'm a sweet girl, yada, and I deserve better treatment - which is not possible from you at the moment
that you can't promise or guarantee anything
that perhaps you should go
that at the moment there are a lot of uncertainties between us
and time is running out to clear the doubts.
my mind and emotions were churning all through my 2-6pm shift. It didn't help that it was one of my more horrible shifts in recent memory - the queue was perpetually 7 people long. I had to put on a professional face despite feeling like my insides were being cut up and wrung.
I asked why you sounded alright - you responded that you had slept at 6am and couldn't think of any other solution.
Shift felt like it was never going to end, but it eventually did. I dragged myself back to Marsiling for Christmas dinner, and whilst waiting for dinner I hid in my brother's room and cried my heart out. And asked if please could I see you later.
I went back to S'goon after dinner, and sprawled on my bed alternating between crying and texting you. I admit I had crazy thoughts running through my head - what if I could have a child with you? Would that make you stay? I even googled for fertility timeframes - but realized my peak was likely yesterday/the ovum may not be viable today. That said, I was mentally steeling myself for that crazy idea. I bathed and brushed my teeth.
You came around 1am. That would be the last time I walked to your car...my steps were heavy, and I opened the door and plopped in. You asked me how I was, and I burst out: why do you keep asking me this? How else would you expect me to feel? You answered in a near-whimper - but i'm worried about you...
The questions came fast and furious. I asked what you meant. You kept repeating your two points about
(1) at the moment there are a lot of doubts and uncertainties between us
(2) and time is running out to clear the doubts
I had tons of questions:
What uncertainties and doubts? (you mentioned class differences, and after i tried to quash them, you said that even if they weren't an issue for me, they were for you) I pointed out that your fiance was from st nick-AJ-NTU and therefore wasn't that different from me, but you replied that you guys had similar jobs and salaries, and that youwould likely have already surpassed her career-wise. - this guy has an ego and a subconscious need to be better than the girl, I thought to myself.
Did you feel that they were insurmountable?
Or did you feel that they could be tackled, but needed time?
Did you even want to tackle the doubts and uncertainties?
We drove to the carpark near hougang to continue talking. I pointed out that there were basically 3 options:
(1) to not pursue this. Which would also mean an end to this, because there would be no further avenues for us to know each other better, and work out the doubts and uncertainties.
(2) I could stick around while you worked it out
(3) End the engagement, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties.
I hated bringing in (3), because I did not want to suggest such a thing. However you kept reiterating your two points - and not facing the options - that's why I kept bringing you back to the options. You rejected (2), because you said it wasn't fair to me - or to you.
You asked if I blamed fate. I said no, because blaming wouldn't help anything. You said you did, because fate allowed us to meet too late. I pointed out that I refuse to blame fate - because it ascribed the locus of control to something else other than ourselves - thus absolving us from responsibility and the power to make choices. It was like saying, i'm powerless over my life and what happens in it. But the truth was, you are not powerless - you likely were too scared to make a decision.
You said that at the moment, although it was a very sweet 4-5 weeks (6, silly boy), there were too many doubts that you had, and you had 'no indication at this moment that we would end up together'.
You said we hadn't even gone out on a single real date, and that all our contact was on whatsapp and morning meetings so far (with the exception of the occasional coffee/drink). And kept saying that time was not on our side. There were many times that I lapsed back into tearing/crying. I tried pointing out that with option (3), wouldn't the clock stop??? then time wouldn't be an issue, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties. After frustratedly exploring the options, you said you couldn't convince yourself to break off an engagement for someone what you met for 6 weeks. That stung. Reality hurts. I wanted to ask, was I not good enough? Why weren't we worth the risk? I argued that no damn relationship - nothing in this world comes with a guarantee. That you just have to take a chance on what you want, and give it a shot, if you wanted it badly enough. I had said time and time again that I couldn't give a guarantee either, but I was prepared to work very hard to give my best shot. You said then that you were afraid that our differences would surface in the future; you said again tonight that you looked at the worst-case scenario. I can't remember if I said that your previous relationships - this engagement - nothing - came with a guarantee, and that you just had to try. I think you mumbled something about us running out of time to explore the "doubts and uncertainties". I was frustrated and defeated by the circular arguments, and started to viciously dig into your sides/tickle you out of frustration. Then I gave up and cried.
You reached out as I was sobbing, and somehow we ended up in the back seat again. This time we had a little harder a time finding a poorly-lit area, and ended up driving around DF quite a few times.
This time our actions were a little tinged with reservation and sadness, with the knowledge that we may not see each other again after today. I was a little bewildered when you did ask me...along the way....to diy in front of you, and tried to convince me into oral. I went along with it because...more than anything...I didn't want to let you go. Along the way we found ourselves in that compromising position, and you asked wasn't it against my original wishes. Yes, but I wanted to. You kept saying you could't take such a thing from me, but I kept saying that I wanted it. After a few back and forths we found ourselves in various states of undress, with you almost stripped, and mumbling that you really wanted to F- me/you really wanted to have sex with me. I almost pulled your briefs off you, when you regained some reason and we went back into holding our heads in our hands...you mumbling that you cannot take such a thing from me, and i've been saving it, and how could I give it to you....and me feeling really pained that I couldn't even leave with that bit of you.
Occasionally it would be punctuated by my sobbing and your morose silence. A few times you kept getting startled because you thought the heavy vehicles around us had started up...you would suddenly scramble to put your clothes on. Maybe it's the subconscious fear of being caught, or maybe it was a remnant of over-vigilance from your police days. I just watched, partially dressed, at the side, til you calmed down.
Time passed too fast and dawn came. Reluctantly you drove me home...just as dawn broke. For the last time you pulled into S'goon....and looked at the houses around us, and commented how...you probably won't see this come Monday.
What was supposed to be a goodbye dragged into more crying. I asked how I'd ever fill this huge hole in my heart.
I asked you to promise me to fight for the things you love in life, from today, even thought you hadn't for this.
Told you to live well and take care of yourself, because I wouldn't be around to care for you.
I told you not to be stupid or proud - if there was any way that I could help you, to come and find me; I would help you if I could. eg. your Law application...if you needed medicine.. you said you'd remember forever those words, not to be stupid or proud.
You asked if you could keep my two books: The Defining Decade / What Everybody is Saying. The former is quite a favorite book of mine: i asked why you wanted them. You said that they had my scribbles and highlights on them...and when you missed me, you wanted to be able to feel like my thoughts were around as you read them. That was really silly and painful of you, do you know? You had the power to change things, but instead chose to wallow in self-pity...
I stupidly asked you if your current relationship didn't work out, whether you would come back to find me. You were hesitant, before saying that if I had moved on, you didn't want to disturb my life.
I retorted sadly that the truth was that....you'd probably just have gotten sucked into the swirl of marriage then kids then moved on with your life, and i'd just be a dull aching scar in your past.
You asked if you ever came back...would I still have the door open for you. Against my better judgement, I said yes. I know I shouldn't take you back, but all I could think of at the moment was wanting it to work, and how much I liked you, and what a lost opportunity it was. How would you know anyway, I ventured. You told me to tell you when I had a new guy. I sadly agreed.
I remember how you looked by this time - your moderately big eyes with double eyelids were red, you seemed to have aged so much. Here was a person who told me how he had to bury and stifle his feelings when he saw murders and heartbreaking crime scenes....who took pride in being a male chauvinist and a provider and caring for people. You were tearing and close to choking back tears. You knew it too, and said that I was the ?first girl to make you cry so much.
You made me promise to take care of myself. I asked if you'd miss my kisses....definitely, you said. You asked me to please continue to do the things I loved, and not to quit caring for people/medicine because of you. Don't be silly, I said. If i do so, it's coz I want to live without regrets. You said' you'd keep the penguin forever. And that whilst the Creative speakers may one day spoil, 'the water bottle is destructible', unless i lost it. I fingered your dog tag, trying to remember the numbers on them: T02336...? through my tears and swirling emotions, and asked if I could have it. You hesitated, and replied that it's not that you weren't willing to give it to me, but would it help me? I, too, knew that the answer was likely to be no....but I just wanted a piece of you.
You nagged me about taking care of myself, about my loose low-cut collars on my tops, and 'protecting my assets'...and made a bitter joke about how you had a VIP pass to them. I said i'd miss your hand, and how they protected mine. I tried to remember how mine fit into yours, interlaced, slightly larger than mine, warm and slightly moist. I asked if I could take a picture. You asked if it would help, but you relented. You did position your hand closer to me - a part of me wondered whether it was because you didn't want any images that could identify you.
The mood grew somber and we alternated between tearing and you trying to wipe your tears. We kissed, sadly, and went back for more....such sadness was in those kisses.
Drive safe and let me know when you're back safely, I made you promise. Then I said that I should go.
我的爱 明明还在 转身了才明白
You mentioned that you had to work a full day on Christmas eve, and sounded quite depressed about it - I made a mental note to perhaps cook something to cheer you up. It took quite a lot of planning, did y'know? I went back to my marsiling home on the Wednesday 23rd, after doing grocery, so that I could cook. You said you were falling sick and feeling feverish too, so I planned to bring some Vit C and fruit. However you weren't able to give me a ride on Wed (probably had to fetch her, didn't you?) so I decided to just send the stuff over to you after my Wednesday lectures. Later that day you asked what I was up to, and I replied that i was making dinner for myself for the next day - beef. I had to travel back to s'goon too.
On and off you had these little crises when i got emo, and you promised that you'd read the letter. But your days were long and you needed sleep, so I told you to read it, but no hurry, to take your time to decide.
Christmas eve came. You looked curiously as I opened the back seat and popped a semitransparent bag in. 'What's that?' you asked. 'Your lunch.' I smiled mischievously. We had made plans to meet earlier that day - a good half hour earlier - on hindsight, did you know that you were saying goodbye? After the first niceties we kissed, again...We were still in the little road just down from my place, and dawn had just broken, so it was kinda limited somewhat. Yes, you gave me butterflies in my stomach and shivers. I didn't want to tear myself away from lying in your bosom, and we kept going back to lock lips again.
The rest of the day passed somewhat in a blur - met my family for lunch, then I guess you went for your regular date and got back late.
Christmas Day
I could sense a different tone the next morning when you awoke. Had something changed last night, I wondered, but brushed it off.
Sometime at noon you woke and we started talking. Somehow the conversation turned to smoking, and you asked what if you smoked, etc. After a few back-and-forths, I asked if you were trying to push me away (by painting yourself in a bad light), and somehow you responded along the lines of...
I'm a sweet girl, yada, and I deserve better treatment - which is not possible from you at the moment
that you can't promise or guarantee anything
that perhaps you should go
that at the moment there are a lot of uncertainties between us
and time is running out to clear the doubts.
my mind and emotions were churning all through my 2-6pm shift. It didn't help that it was one of my more horrible shifts in recent memory - the queue was perpetually 7 people long. I had to put on a professional face despite feeling like my insides were being cut up and wrung.
I asked why you sounded alright - you responded that you had slept at 6am and couldn't think of any other solution.
Shift felt like it was never going to end, but it eventually did. I dragged myself back to Marsiling for Christmas dinner, and whilst waiting for dinner I hid in my brother's room and cried my heart out. And asked if please could I see you later.
I went back to S'goon after dinner, and sprawled on my bed alternating between crying and texting you. I admit I had crazy thoughts running through my head - what if I could have a child with you? Would that make you stay? I even googled for fertility timeframes - but realized my peak was likely yesterday/the ovum may not be viable today. That said, I was mentally steeling myself for that crazy idea. I bathed and brushed my teeth.
You came around 1am. That would be the last time I walked to your car...my steps were heavy, and I opened the door and plopped in. You asked me how I was, and I burst out: why do you keep asking me this? How else would you expect me to feel? You answered in a near-whimper - but i'm worried about you...
The questions came fast and furious. I asked what you meant. You kept repeating your two points about
(1) at the moment there are a lot of doubts and uncertainties between us
(2) and time is running out to clear the doubts
I had tons of questions:
What uncertainties and doubts? (you mentioned class differences, and after i tried to quash them, you said that even if they weren't an issue for me, they were for you) I pointed out that your fiance was from st nick-AJ-NTU and therefore wasn't that different from me, but you replied that you guys had similar jobs and salaries, and that you
Did you feel that they were insurmountable?
Or did you feel that they could be tackled, but needed time?
Did you even want to tackle the doubts and uncertainties?
We drove to the carpark near hougang to continue talking. I pointed out that there were basically 3 options:
(1) to not pursue this. Which would also mean an end to this, because there would be no further avenues for us to know each other better, and work out the doubts and uncertainties.
(2) I could stick around while you worked it out
(3) End the engagement, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties.
I hated bringing in (3), because I did not want to suggest such a thing. However you kept reiterating your two points - and not facing the options - that's why I kept bringing you back to the options. You rejected (2), because you said it wasn't fair to me - or to you.
You asked if I blamed fate. I said no, because blaming wouldn't help anything. You said you did, because fate allowed us to meet too late. I pointed out that I refuse to blame fate - because it ascribed the locus of control to something else other than ourselves - thus absolving us from responsibility and the power to make choices. It was like saying, i'm powerless over my life and what happens in it. But the truth was, you are not powerless - you likely were too scared to make a decision.
You said that at the moment, although it was a very sweet 4-5 weeks (6, silly boy), there were too many doubts that you had, and you had 'no indication at this moment that we would end up together'.
You said we hadn't even gone out on a single real date, and that all our contact was on whatsapp and morning meetings so far (with the exception of the occasional coffee/drink). And kept saying that time was not on our side. There were many times that I lapsed back into tearing/crying. I tried pointing out that with option (3), wouldn't the clock stop??? then time wouldn't be an issue, and we could work out the doubts and uncertainties. After frustratedly exploring the options, you said you couldn't convince yourself to break off an engagement for someone what you met for 6 weeks. That stung. Reality hurts. I wanted to ask, was I not good enough? Why weren't we worth the risk? I argued that no damn relationship - nothing in this world comes with a guarantee. That you just have to take a chance on what you want, and give it a shot, if you wanted it badly enough. I had said time and time again that I couldn't give a guarantee either, but I was prepared to work very hard to give my best shot. You said then that you were afraid that our differences would surface in the future; you said again tonight that you looked at the worst-case scenario. I can't remember if I said that your previous relationships - this engagement - nothing - came with a guarantee, and that you just had to try. I think you mumbled something about us running out of time to explore the "doubts and uncertainties". I was frustrated and defeated by the circular arguments, and started to viciously dig into your sides/tickle you out of frustration. Then I gave up and cried.
You reached out as I was sobbing, and somehow we ended up in the back seat again. This time we had a little harder a time finding a poorly-lit area, and ended up driving around DF quite a few times.
This time our actions were a little tinged with reservation and sadness, with the knowledge that we may not see each other again after today. I was a little bewildered when you did ask me...along the way....to diy in front of you, and tried to convince me into oral. I went along with it because...more than anything...I didn't want to let you go. Along the way we found ourselves in that compromising position, and you asked wasn't it against my original wishes. Yes, but I wanted to. You kept saying you could't take such a thing from me, but I kept saying that I wanted it. After a few back and forths we found ourselves in various states of undress, with you almost stripped, and mumbling that you really wanted to F- me/you really wanted to have sex with me. I almost pulled your briefs off you, when you regained some reason and we went back into holding our heads in our hands...you mumbling that you cannot take such a thing from me, and i've been saving it, and how could I give it to you....and me feeling really pained that I couldn't even leave with that bit of you.
Occasionally it would be punctuated by my sobbing and your morose silence. A few times you kept getting startled because you thought the heavy vehicles around us had started up...you would suddenly scramble to put your clothes on. Maybe it's the subconscious fear of being caught, or maybe it was a remnant of over-vigilance from your police days. I just watched, partially dressed, at the side, til you calmed down.
Time passed too fast and dawn came. Reluctantly you drove me home...just as dawn broke. For the last time you pulled into S'goon....and looked at the houses around us, and commented how...you probably won't see this come Monday.
What was supposed to be a goodbye dragged into more crying. I asked how I'd ever fill this huge hole in my heart.
I asked you to promise me to fight for the things you love in life, from today, even thought you hadn't for this.
Told you to live well and take care of yourself, because I wouldn't be around to care for you.
I told you not to be stupid or proud - if there was any way that I could help you, to come and find me; I would help you if I could. eg. your Law application...if you needed medicine.. you said you'd remember forever those words, not to be stupid or proud.
You asked if you could keep my two books: The Defining Decade / What Everybody is Saying. The former is quite a favorite book of mine: i asked why you wanted them. You said that they had my scribbles and highlights on them...and when you missed me, you wanted to be able to feel like my thoughts were around as you read them. That was really silly and painful of you, do you know? You had the power to change things, but instead chose to wallow in self-pity...
I stupidly asked you if your current relationship didn't work out, whether you would come back to find me. You were hesitant, before saying that if I had moved on, you didn't want to disturb my life.
I retorted sadly that the truth was that....you'd probably just have gotten sucked into the swirl of marriage then kids then moved on with your life, and i'd just be a dull aching scar in your past.
You asked if you ever came back...would I still have the door open for you. Against my better judgement, I said yes. I know I shouldn't take you back, but all I could think of at the moment was wanting it to work, and how much I liked you, and what a lost opportunity it was. How would you know anyway, I ventured. You told me to tell you when I had a new guy. I sadly agreed.
I remember how you looked by this time - your moderately big eyes with double eyelids were red, you seemed to have aged so much. Here was a person who told me how he had to bury and stifle his feelings when he saw murders and heartbreaking crime scenes....who took pride in being a male chauvinist and a provider and caring for people. You were tearing and close to choking back tears. You knew it too, and said that I was the ?first girl to make you cry so much.
You made me promise to take care of myself. I asked if you'd miss my kisses....definitely, you said. You asked me to please continue to do the things I loved, and not to quit caring for people/medicine because of you. Don't be silly, I said. If i do so, it's coz I want to live without regrets. You said' you'd keep the penguin forever. And that whilst the Creative speakers may one day spoil, 'the water bottle is destructible', unless i lost it. I fingered your dog tag, trying to remember the numbers on them: T02336...? through my tears and swirling emotions, and asked if I could have it. You hesitated, and replied that it's not that you weren't willing to give it to me, but would it help me? I, too, knew that the answer was likely to be no....but I just wanted a piece of you.
You nagged me about taking care of myself, about my loose low-cut collars on my tops, and 'protecting my assets'...and made a bitter joke about how you had a VIP pass to them. I said i'd miss your hand, and how they protected mine. I tried to remember how mine fit into yours, interlaced, slightly larger than mine, warm and slightly moist. I asked if I could take a picture. You asked if it would help, but you relented. You did position your hand closer to me - a part of me wondered whether it was because you didn't want any images that could identify you.
The mood grew somber and we alternated between tearing and you trying to wipe your tears. We kissed, sadly, and went back for more....such sadness was in those kisses.
Drive safe and let me know when you're back safely, I made you promise. Then I said that I should go.
我的爱 明明还在 转身了才明白
该把幸福 找回来 而不是各自缅怀
At around 7:51AM, you said that you were back safely.
I collapsed into bed and tried to cry myself to sleep.
At around 7:51AM, you said that you were back safely.
I collapsed into bed and tried to cry myself to sleep.
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