i will be still, and know You are God (7)

Dec 30th

today was D-day, and know that i’d be ending the day telling you that i needed to leave.

First i met jas - thankful for this lovely dear friend for checking back on me and volunteering to hang out with me. She said she was hesitant over your values. Told me not to be soft hearted.
Next i met F. as much as I appreciate how she loves me like a little lost younger sister of hers....I can't help but feel that some of her actions were warped, or influenced too much by hate (ie. need to take with a pinch of salt). I do appreciate her thoughts, and why she was worried. 
Met WS later at night. I had told him that i may meet you around the same time probably need some moral support after. Thankful that he made the time - he even volunteered to set your house on fire, lol - he's an example of someone who has hurt a lot and tried to make the best out of what he was given. Drank a little, shared, he felt your needed to have the balls, too. 

I asked if I could see you today. but you didn't want to meet - you kept asking what happened, and that it was inconvenient and that you were really tired. I tried to cajole u to meet up, just really short, so I could pass you something. I offered to go over. You kept declining, but offered to pick it up tomorrow instead. 730, usual time. 

Well WS felt it wasn't that great an idea forcing someone our when they weren't keen - so that's why I didn't insist.



Today, the last day of 2015
You arrived at my place early: at 7:15, in fact. I was kicking myself for not getting ready ahead of time - wasting precious minutes that could have been spent with you.  

I got into the car, and was perplexed and annoyed that you could somehow still somewhat give me a smile. After some time of sitting in silence, me being morose, and you alternating between being morose and glancing over to smile at me, i muttered that we couldn't do this forever.

I asked if we could kiss first, like there was nothing wrong. Thank you for the tender lips, tinged with sadness - less of the shivers of unbridled passion - but still making my heart leap a little, like in the past, again. 

Then I told you through my tears that I wanted a person to make a conscious, clear choice, every day, again and again, that Hell Yes - they want to love me and choose me every single day and proclaim it. And I didn't want to be stuck longing and trying to convince myself that it's alright and that perhaps I should settle for such a semblance of love whilst knowing that the man's heart was somewhere else; that it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.

Then I passed you the postcard. I heard you suck in air through gritted teeth as I pulled out the card from the wrapper, then unwillingly look at it. You read it, and there was pain and frustration and you tried arguing and bargaining.
I hopefully pointed out the qualifiers and caveats: Because of your current decision, even as I love you,.....I cannot stay for the moment. There was another sentence with 'for the moment'. You argued that yes you saw all these..
And asked what this would mean. I said that in the acute phase, when it hurts so much, I don't wish to keep talking as if nothing was wrong. You asked how long this phase would take: 1 week, 2 weeks, half a year, 3 years.....and then I asked so what. You asked if we'd ever talk again. And if we talk again, wouldn't it be platonic? I asked, why does it matter? You said that if it were platonic, wouldn't it mean that we'd have moved on with our lives and it meant that this wouldn't matter to us any more? I was resigned and asked how that would matter - would you want us to live our whole lives not having moved on, and loving each other? How would that help anything?
You said that you didn't want to accept this. That I was 'thinking from my point of view, and that I'm trying to think for you.' 
I explained that I know why you wanted to keep in touch: it was the same reason why i wanted to keep in touch: I respect you very much as a person, and loved you as a person and friend; I still wanted to share my life with you, even if we weren't lovers. You agreed. But - this isn't a good time, not when we were still raw with emotions. 
I made you promise not to give up on your dreams - law in particular. You were angry and retorted about how that "it wasn't important". I kept insisting that it did, and i had to spell out exactly why it did matter to me: I said i didn't care if you wanted to study law psychology, chinese literature, or go back to the police force - but i wanted you to fight for yourself and what you wanted in life. I said i'd apply too, and perhaps we'd be classmates. 
I said the third part of this was....could i have your dog tag? I wanted to be able to return it to you, one day. I'm not sure if it was you being too afraid to lose something dear to you/let your family and gf realize that it wasn't with you - or whether you really wanted to protect me; but you said that it wouldn't help me let go.

We talked a bit about how frustratingly similar we are. I said that I saw myself in your impulsiveness and irrationality. You disagreed that you were, and claimed that you were methodical, and liked to plan. I couldnt help but laugh - I told you about how I had put off my investments and insurance and so many other things coz I kept feeling that I hadn't satisfied myself that I know enough about it, and prepared to the best of my ability, to make an educated guess.

You tried to bargain: whether you could still text to check in on me, now and then....that it was okay if I didn't reply, but just let you know that I read the message - so that at least you'd know that i wasn't okay yet. I said ok...then if i did not reply? what would you do? You said you may try again....or maybe you wouldn't.
You got angry too, as we drove through city hall, towards chinatown, and to my workplace. You said that you didn't accept this decision; you tried to return me the postcard; you said that you were so frustrated by me being stubborn. I ended up ill-treating your arm in frustration - i'm sorry for leaving so many slap and pinch marks. But at least those would heal, and it was just physical pain. 
I smiled as I told you that you were going through the Stages of Grief....you got angry and started to demand that I quote examples and the source/references for what I said......then you went into the 'i'm the man, i wear the pants, stop arguing with me' mode. Silly boy....escapism much.

We stopped outside block 1, for the last time. You said how rare it was for someone to see you tearing like you did that day - being so vulnerable. I said i know, and i appreciate you for opening up your heart and being vulnerable to me. 
We hugged, one last time, and you said you wanted to remember how i smelled. 
You kept insisting that it wasn't goodbye, and that you'd see me again. 


Deep down i wasn't so sure, but i'd really like to believe that too. 



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Later as I am sitting in ABC blogging, in between meeting Faith as she checked in on me - 
We still talked a bit, more heart to heart, touching on letting go, and how similar we were. 

You mentioned that i had seen many bad parts of you recently, and whether i loved you less. I said no.

I told you that you were just another version of myself; albeit with more rigidity and less self control - and that i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
(You asked how it'd be that you had less self control - or i wouldn't be able to walk properly -.-)
You are rigid in your beliefs, and it includes you wanting to protect me. That's why even though temptation was right in front of you literally that day, you had refused.
Yet you had less self control, because you are afraid of uncertainty and pain. Therefore you would rather take a slow simmering ache rather than disciplining yourself and having the balls to make decisions.
That's why even if it sounded contradictory, you indeed had less self control, yet more rigidity.

Along the way during talking, you sighed and said that there's no use talking, since the decision was made.
Oh well yes.

We faltered, now and then. Said bye multiple times. You came back again after a while to tell me about some work stuff. 



I'll emerge from this okay. I know i will. i just wish it didn't need to be like that. 
I'm thankful for the sisters and brothers who have rallied around me this time, in an unprecedented show of love and support. Thank you