Dear Mr Ex-Policeman

Dear Mr Ex Policeman, a.k.a. DC, two letters which I have grown very accustomed to seeing on my phone:

I should have seen this coming - think I did, but chose to throw caution to the wind. I'm sitting at my desk writing, after seeing your trying-hard-to-be-nonchalant-and-formal text from the evening of 4 Dec.

How did we end up like this? Perhaps we have an inkling in us - something about hoping against hope, inexplicable attraction, and a surreal match in habits and interests (at least that's what i can say about myself).

Lest you feel tempted to write it off as 'just another fling' for both, I'd just like to set a few things straight (because I know you prefer things clarified) (and because some people would be tempted to dismiss it as 'it was all play anyway' in order to subconsciously lessen their hurt)


Firstly, today I was in town. In a desperate attempt to just drop into a shop that may carry what you are now holding in your hands. Because i've been emailing and calling the brand HQ to check which outlets have stock for it when it's sold out online - to no avail. Oh, and when I was slow to reply your text yesterday - making you conclude that I was ignoring you - I was actually distracted by many many browser windows: researching if there was any better choice/checking if I could buy them from the US. Anyway it doesn't matter, in all senses of the word: you seemed to like the sound when trying it, and...well, coz it probably doesn't matter now.

You'll probably wonder if I really liked you, or if I was just playing/whiling my time away. Well I'd have told you before that I would rather be alone, than with bad company, or someone I didn't feel like spending my time with. That, and I've cut short many exploratory hanging-out/whatever you call them coz I just couldn't like the person, no matter how good they sound on paper. I don't think I was craving any excitement or the inevitable heartbreak when I signed up for this, but I did so knowingly and willingly.

Your job, background, or who you are have never figured in the equation. I've reassured you that I don't care for a rich/successful/high-status guy whom I cannot click with/someone whom i do not respect/someone without a good heart - and I meant every word of what I said. There is also no delusion that anyone is a perfect person: I realized early on, and along the way, that you can be somewhat of a chauvinist, escapist (so am I, when it comes to hard problems, but i'm working on it), a tad egoist (but it's okay coz it's not excessive), a bit controlling, a bit possessive, and....sometimes not very responsible. I'm not perfect too. But I like your attitude, your heart, and I see all those parts as little bits that make you who you are, and that's more than cool with me.

I did have misgivings about the circumstances which this started - I did feel that you were being a tad overly friendly in the beginning, and a tad flirty. That, and not telling me about her, until the inevitable (albeit open) Facestalk. And not being upfront about how deeply you're invested in it. And would someone without religious inclination lack signposts to say that this wasn't qt the right thing to do? (that said, i am acutely aware that many self-professed religious people have crap values, and I do personally know non-religious people who have morals as strong as a rock.)
There was a this-is-a-damn-bad-idea feeling the whole time after I knew, but I guess we just fell deeper. And somehow was hoping everything would magically be okay.

Of course, I was also worried that if this could happen to her, it could happen to me, too - if we ever got together. I was quite ready to forgive that, though, and hope that we could work something out.

Yes, i'm willing to care for you. And support your dreams. And work together for the things that are important to you. Don't say that all these are delusions of puppy love: these are things that I will do for the person I love, because a couple is supposed to work together in life and help each other be the best that the other can be. It's not going to be easy, but I believe hard work and difficulties breed resilience and shared understandings.


Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, to share about yourself, your past, and your dreams. For being the person you are: sometimes-vulnerable but still-stubbornly-brave self, down-to-earth and honest, caring to share candidly with a stranger like me, and being earnest and ever-so-giving, and for having the courage and the sheer craziness to love someone different from you. For that ridiculously cute smile and intoxicating scent. For showing me that I can find such friendship, compatibility, and love in unexpected places. For treating me as an equal in sharing opinions and ideas. And for not judging me.


You're probably wondering what cause me to eventually step away, even though I was on the brink of doing so last weekend, after the talk at the rooftop. The last week was nothing short of beautiful: I enjoyed each morning even if i just sat in silence knowing you were beside me; holding hands in silence and letting a big warm pair just take charge; burying my face in your shoulders and hoping that it didn't have to end; waking up to a 'Morning!' and trying to contain my excitement walking to your car. No, I don't do this often with guys, neither do I let them mess me up this easily. But I guess I came to a realization today - while telling myself for the nth time not to be wistful or jealous that he's going out with her, because you're not the girlfriend after all - that this wasn't a good foundation for anything: the fundamental security I'd like to feel wasn't there, and despite your very best efforts to reassure me how much I meant to you, there was something glaringly obvious that would undermine all your efforts.
I'd start catching myself wondering about her, and being envious about how you guys obvious had an awesome holiday/saturday was a day to look forward to. Then i'd feel guilty about 'wanting too much' and have conflicting feelings about my worth as a woman - to have a man to love her and her only, and then obviously you'd feel guilty about everything you've done.

So I've decided to step away for now.


Please don't wish me 'a better future' (I don't see a future with you as any worse) or that i 'find a better guy'  (I say you're a good guy, period.). Please don't make excuses for me, or for us.


I still remember that you owe me a song on your guitar (Twinkle twinkle little star is not accepted) and I owe you a song (my flu is kinda bad now and i just had a rather bad exacerbation of runny nose and teary eyes the entire time i was penning this down). While I still wish I can hear you say my chinese name sometime - perhaps after you have fixed that guitar - I don't think the current circumstances are right.

Love always,
NL.