for the coming week

Father in heaven,

please give me courage and wisdom for the coming week:

to finish up my paper
to hand in my resignation
to handle the questions that follow
and to start the search, anew, for the next job.

please also guide me in my interaction with starfish - i honestly don't have much hope for this, but hope that it can at least end on a good note.

courage, wisdom....to know what to say, when to keep quiet, when to make a move, when to stand still, and when to walk away. I know you've been around me all through my journey thus far....now, more than ever, i'm feeling hesitant and doubtful. I really need to feel you there and have you guidance.

Amen.


Teach me your ways, O Lord;
    make them known to me.
5 Teach me to live according to your truth,
    for you are my God, who saves me.
    I always trust in you.
Psalms 25:4-5

Parting gifts

I do believe that others sometimes see us clearer than we do/than we know ourselves. We do have our blind spots, our misconceptions, our (sometimes misguided) beliefs about ourselves and how we'd like to view ourselves. That's why I try - or my rational-other-brain tries to put the brakes on and ask Hey girl are you missing something here?

You've known me for "4 years, since 2012"...

"...strikes me as someone who is full of energy and curiosity, always wanting to learn more and do more"

"...is also very driven, and will do her best to achieve what she sets out to do. As such, she is able to get things done, and within the given time."

"Academically she has no problems coping with the demands of acquiring the necessary knowledge and qualifications for her medical training, and more. During ward rounds and academic discussions, she is able to present her assessments and opinions logically and intelligently."

"She likes to find things out for herself, and asks relevant questions. She is capable of independent learning. 

I've to say that i do value your opinion a lot; you're hands down my top role model in all my years of work - not because of just the technical genius, but also the self-sacrificing attitude - with a heart directed towards God. 

It is with much sadness that i concluded so many years back that i'm too weak by myself to be able to give so much of myself away, to serve as you do - that is why I did not follow in your footsteps. (of course, now i know that the strength comes not from within us, but from Him...oh well)

I know that i'm not supposed to base my self-worth on others' opinions of me; so i'm going to use this as much-appreciated feedback from a respected mentor, and also reminders of what to aim for, and what i may not realize i'm capable of. And a reminder of the blessings that God has given me: a wonderful opportunity to work with people who are happy to teach, guide (work- wise and personal-wise), and who are awesome role models, and who are affirmative and encouraging. 

I've been blessed indeed, although i may always realize it. ;)

Going home

Post-call and winding down after meeting a happy ex-lawyer for lunch (maybe not totally ex-, just happy in-house), g-liu called and asked to speak to me.

His concern was that while he was happy to write a favorable form for me, he felt that the admissions team would look askance as to my choice of academic referee: 1 month-long tutor, in the middle of uni. I sheepishly explained the need for an acad referee vs work referee, and how I couldn't ask my current bosses.


So that's how I ended up cabbing down to that pte hospital. Everything is still etched in my mind as it was just yesterday. Feeling fateful as I walked through the corridors, opened the doors to your clinic, saying hi to the CA who recognized me (but for the life of me I couldn't remember her name).

I uneasily sat across you and stammered as I tried to explain why I was here.

Where do I start?
What do I say?
How do I explain?
Which do I explain?

It all came out in a jumble: How I wasn't enjoying the current job - I think a convenient analogy about fussing over nodules was used to illustrate the excessively inward-looking vibe that I got (to which you protested that it was but a small part of the specialty). How I was planning to move into administration, keep options open.

You asked if it was necessary to leave clinical medicine. If I've considered other specialties - I said yes, I have... If i had considered other specialties- I said yes I declined IR and there's the option of uro RP. Then you asked what if I was offered residency.

There was a tangy silence that hung in the air for a few moments, before I exhaled and said, painfully, that it wouldn't solve the reason why I left in the first place: because I wanted to be more hands-on raising kids.

After some silence, you said It's okay, different people treasure different things in life, and it seems like I've already thought through my options, and that admin may provide the work life balance I'm looking for.

After a bit of jokes and half-serious teasing that you're wont to do,  and you explaining why YCJ was on the calendar cover (it did feel like the old days again, where I'd ask curious questions and you'd patiently answer them), we parted ways with a firm handshake and a smile.


I left the hospital and walked towards tanglin, tears welling up in my eyes.

Did you know that I never said goodbye to you all,  because I didn't want to mentally confirm to both you all and myself that I was really leaving? That I still really loved working there, and that it was because of circumstances - that I'm not sure you guys would misconstrue as lack of interest - that was the reason for me not joining? I called Jo and cried. He had wise words for me....and reminded me that you had worked very hard, and that I needed to be aware of the full picture.

On Friday I popped by your clinic to get the letter.: All the best, you said.

stumbling on memories

I'm trawling through my external HDD in an attempt to find a tutorial group photo to jolt the memory of an ex-tutor/find some old documents.

Opening up the photos from 2009 - a good 6 years ago - photos of us suddenly appear, slotted amongst the other photos of my classmates and i horsing around.

What strikes me is that i can't care less about how pimply or unfashionable i looked during my school days - but all i realized was that i looked happy. and you looked happy. You're your usual boyish down-to-earth self, and we're making those stupid funny faces and i'm pouting. I used to be way more self-conscious about how i looked, and i recognize the slight awkwardness in the way the girl in the photo posed and smiled. But hey, she didn't feel ugly in front of the boy who took the photos. 

Set after set of photos come up, folders playfully labelled with our pet names for each other. 

Then I realize how much things have changed -

it's 6 years on, and you're getting married next month. Once upon a tim we (unwisely) promised to be each others' 'special friend' forever, but the current reality is far from it - it's impratical and unfair to the people who will be significant others in our lives. I've been through more short-lived ill-fated heartbreaks than i think my heart and spirit can bear, some of which you know about, too - because i get so heartbroken i turn to you (of all people) for wise advice.

In fact, these photos were taken 1-2 years after we 'broke up' - after I broke up the relationship - because I couldn't imagine an intimate life together. 

Til now, i'm not quite sure whether i made a silly mistake. So at the grand old age of 20 I decide that I wasn't (at that point in time) as physically attracted as i thought a person should be - and I couldn't imagine progressing to marriage like that. Perhaps it was an excuse for something else, for attraction i felt to other people. So I broke up with the person i still consider to be the one who understands me the best: used to, 'til we inevitably drifted apart, because your then-girlfriend now-fiance (rightly) felt uncomfortable with how intellectual close we remained to each other.

I can't help but be drawn to the unabashedly real emotions on the photos. Youth, perhaps? in the meantime Spotify manages to reach one of the most heartwrenching songs possible for this moment, and i can't help collapsing into tears:

地方對 年份錯 都遺憾
人海中心 如捉伊因 卻沒法抱緊
日子對 名字錯 不幸
掏盡幾多光陰 不襯便不襯
誰要花一生尋遍遠近 那個散落的吻
已預約於這地球等

是對的 終於會碰到
是錯的 不管再美好
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

耀眼的 即使似瑰寶
但已經有別人擁抱
一早編好的情人 早晚 始終會等到

埋怨相識他遲了半秒 錯過美妙心跳
你遇過的心動人物 有生一天總找對了

是錯的 再動人
纏著錯的 難免徒勞
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

是你的 終於會碰到
別太早 替未來苦惱
只差一點好時辰 主角始終會等到
苦澀只不過鼓舞

After all the times i came all scarred and bloody from heartbreak inflicted by other people, I'm not sure if you'll ever ever know how much you meant to me - and how much i treasure those memories.

Thank you for having loved this very flawed person, for growing together with me, for continuing to care for me as a friend now, for helping me to grow into the woman i am. I hope you forgive me for the hurt i've inflicted, and I hope you continue to grow into the wise man that you've turned out to be. 

Have a blessed marriage, and i'm sincerely happy for the journey you've embarked on. 

of cowardice and irresponsibility

Yesterday you asked me if my love had lessened.

How do I explain that I still loved you, and it took lots of tears and prayer and well-meaning friends to try to reduce the pain in me? I replied truthfully, that I was trying to make the pain go away.

You said, so if you returned to find me in the future....I wouldn't have feelings for you anymore? That there was a chance that I may leave totally?

I asked what your plan was - was it to see if your marriage worked out - and if it didn't, I would still be around?

...to which you mumbled that the 'feelings would probably have subsided somewhat.'



Do you know what an awful time i'm having? To not be interested in work, my usual hobbies, and eating? If the feelings had subsided, I wouldn't be in such a crappy position. I wished I felt less.

You said you felt as horrible. And that you hope that I will meet a guy who knows how to love me more than you do, and who can devote himself to me....not someone like you.

It's not my battle to convince you to stay. As much as I'd like to step in and yell and arm-wrench you into doing something sensible instead of hurting all 3 people at once, this isn't for me to fight. Because you need to want this enough. And knowing you, you'd accept nothing unless you were sufficiently convinced of it yourself. 

It's true that I will likely meet someone else who loves me. However I may not meet someone who shares such a connection; someone whom I like so much.

Perhaps the taiwan trip would be good for you - out of sight and perhaps out of mind, you'd be able to fully convince yourself of your chosen life with her - and once that reality is tangible enough for you, the memories we share will fade into the background.

But i've a ton of questions:
Did your love for her never falter?
Is it still the same?
How do you love two people at once?
If you don't love one, why do you stay?
Is staying responsible when you don't love the person?
Are you avoiding talking about it, because acknowledging and discussing it will subconsciously bring your fears to the forefront of your consciousness and confirm them to yourself?
Does she know that you love someone else?
...Why do you want to hang on to this emotionally, yet do nothing about it?


Do you know that I was tempted to pray - actually i did pray - that the odd chance of us both getting into Law was so slim, that if we both got in, it'd hopefully mean something? That maybe it was a divine sign?

One part of me wishes that you'll come back. Another part of me wants to slap myself into having more self-respect, and to be less silly. Because I know how you operate....and I think that no matter how much you love me, you won't fight for this for us. That you'd never tell her that you've fallen for someone else. That you'd prefer to harbor these regrets to your death and wallow in having my books and memorabilia instead of fighting for us.
But part of me wants it so bad, that if you didn't come back, i'd be crushed, and i wish I could hate you (reality is I can't bring myself to hate you).

I told you this, and you asked...what if things remain status quo? You shouldn't find me, right? 

I asked if there was a high chance of it, and you said you weren't going to lie.

Why did you want to be classmates for 3 years, then? Why were you still trying to keep me around? 

You said that it doesnt matter / the answers to my questions didn't matter / you only wanted to get into law now. 



Part of me really hates how escapist you are. How cowardly you are in facing these problems. Why do you profess such pain and longing to be together, yet be so paralyzed in taking action, preferring instead to wallow in self-pity and lost opportunities? 
There is nothing tragically romantic, nor strong, nor responsible (to her), with the route in chose. But then again, it's not my battle to try to convince you of that.

You said you won't blame me for hating you.

I've told you time and again that 
i don't regret knowing, and having loved you
i do not wish to hate, because it helps no one.
I don't measure worth like that. like 'it was not worth knowing you', as you mentioned. 
I prefer to take responsibility to change what i can change, and fight for what i believe in. Regret and hate....30 years later, you still have all these unexplored opportunities, as well as these unpleasant feelings. 

Yes, so i love you as a person. But that doesn't make this fiasco any less irresponsible or cowardly on your part.



* * * * *

I think i cried for over an hour on the phone. Thank God for jo and his wise words.

He didn't think that you were mentally ready, or mature, to get married. To her, or to me. 
That you didn't show the courage and responsibility to make the hard decisions when they mattered.
But this is a really hard one, can't he be forgiven for being so torn? I ventured.
That it was difficult if the spouse did not share the same ideals or principles for relationships as I did.

That you could be a good lover, but wasn't marriage material, not now. After all, wasn't I looking for a husband, and not a fling? He asked what I expected in a husband. I said at the very least I was looking for a connection, for mutual love. Then above that, I was looking for someone whose courage and beliefs i respected, whom i could trust to care for me and for our family. For someone who could be strong as the head of the household, to point us towards God.

He was frank: he didn't feel that you could be trusted to care for your loved ones, much less a wife and a family. That you weren't caring for me with the kind of irresponsible words that tumbled from your mouth.

That if you had indeed made a decision, you shouldn't still want to keep me around and want the best of both worlds. 

That going by how you were treating your current relationship - and the reason for starting this 2 month old mess was that you 'couldnt control your feelings' - what made me think that you couldn't get into anther 2 month mess with some other girl whom you 'couldnt control your feelings for'?

That at the moment, you're confused, and there's no other way to see this. I should just leave, because it was doing none of us any good. Friends, perhaps, maybe 3 months down the road, after you've sorted out your life. But not at this time. 


and..was i being a good testimony for God, by staying in this mess?