Parting gifts

I do believe that others sometimes see us clearer than we do/than we know ourselves. We do have our blind spots, our misconceptions, our (sometimes misguided) beliefs about ourselves and how we'd like to view ourselves. That's why I try - or my rational-other-brain tries to put the brakes on and ask Hey girl are you missing something here?

You've known me for "4 years, since 2012"...

"...strikes me as someone who is full of energy and curiosity, always wanting to learn more and do more"

"...is also very driven, and will do her best to achieve what she sets out to do. As such, she is able to get things done, and within the given time."

"Academically she has no problems coping with the demands of acquiring the necessary knowledge and qualifications for her medical training, and more. During ward rounds and academic discussions, she is able to present her assessments and opinions logically and intelligently."

"She likes to find things out for herself, and asks relevant questions. She is capable of independent learning. 

I've to say that i do value your opinion a lot; you're hands down my top role model in all my years of work - not because of just the technical genius, but also the self-sacrificing attitude - with a heart directed towards God. 

It is with much sadness that i concluded so many years back that i'm too weak by myself to be able to give so much of myself away, to serve as you do - that is why I did not follow in your footsteps. (of course, now i know that the strength comes not from within us, but from Him...oh well)

I know that i'm not supposed to base my self-worth on others' opinions of me; so i'm going to use this as much-appreciated feedback from a respected mentor, and also reminders of what to aim for, and what i may not realize i'm capable of. And a reminder of the blessings that God has given me: a wonderful opportunity to work with people who are happy to teach, guide (work- wise and personal-wise), and who are awesome role models, and who are affirmative and encouraging. 

I've been blessed indeed, although i may always realize it. ;)

Going home

Post-call and winding down after meeting a happy ex-lawyer for lunch (maybe not totally ex-, just happy in-house), g-liu called and asked to speak to me.

His concern was that while he was happy to write a favorable form for me, he felt that the admissions team would look askance as to my choice of academic referee: 1 month-long tutor, in the middle of uni. I sheepishly explained the need for an acad referee vs work referee, and how I couldn't ask my current bosses.


So that's how I ended up cabbing down to that pte hospital. Everything is still etched in my mind as it was just yesterday. Feeling fateful as I walked through the corridors, opened the doors to your clinic, saying hi to the CA who recognized me (but for the life of me I couldn't remember her name).

I uneasily sat across you and stammered as I tried to explain why I was here.

Where do I start?
What do I say?
How do I explain?
Which do I explain?

It all came out in a jumble: How I wasn't enjoying the current job - I think a convenient analogy about fussing over nodules was used to illustrate the excessively inward-looking vibe that I got (to which you protested that it was but a small part of the specialty). How I was planning to move into administration, keep options open.

You asked if it was necessary to leave clinical medicine. If I've considered other specialties - I said yes, I have... If i had considered other specialties- I said yes I declined IR and there's the option of uro RP. Then you asked what if I was offered residency.

There was a tangy silence that hung in the air for a few moments, before I exhaled and said, painfully, that it wouldn't solve the reason why I left in the first place: because I wanted to be more hands-on raising kids.

After some silence, you said It's okay, different people treasure different things in life, and it seems like I've already thought through my options, and that admin may provide the work life balance I'm looking for.

After a bit of jokes and half-serious teasing that you're wont to do,  and you explaining why YCJ was on the calendar cover (it did feel like the old days again, where I'd ask curious questions and you'd patiently answer them), we parted ways with a firm handshake and a smile.


I left the hospital and walked towards tanglin, tears welling up in my eyes.

Did you know that I never said goodbye to you all,  because I didn't want to mentally confirm to both you all and myself that I was really leaving? That I still really loved working there, and that it was because of circumstances - that I'm not sure you guys would misconstrue as lack of interest - that was the reason for me not joining? I called Jo and cried. He had wise words for me....and reminded me that you had worked very hard, and that I needed to be aware of the full picture.

On Friday I popped by your clinic to get the letter.: All the best, you said.

9 minutes

• '9 minutes!' I gasped. 'So long??'

It was around midnight and I was supposed to get my work done then get to sleep. Not watching a 9-minute video introducing a training program at a place that iw as never going to apply to.

But I clicked on it.

As the cheesy music and synchronized PowerPoint lettering danced with stock photos, I started to regret my decision almost immediately.

Then familiar photos started appearing. Foreign, yet familiar.

Photos of mangled digits and limbs, proudly emblazoned with the words This is What You Will Encounter At Night.
Photos of Department Epectations. Life goals. Self was right at the bottom - God first, then family, patients, department.....
Photos of smiling trainees working, learning, studying, basically - living with the rest of the department and colleagues. Having life revolve around work.
It will be hard,me video proclaimed. But we will suffer with you.


Then everything came rushing back.

I'm writing this - sprawled at a craft beer store - because I want to remember how I felt. How I felt as the past came rushing back. the feelings of helplessness and resignation as I was sucked into Yet Another Errand at work.  Yet Another Task. Another It Just Has to be Done. How I'd feel frustrated at myself, and the patients around me, for being demanding - how dare they keep asking for more - do they not understand we're already bending over backwards? How outings with friends were sessions with stolen time, to let off steam, complain about how things were going.  That is, if I was in a state of mind to dissociate myself from all post- shift tiredness.

Then I look at my life now:

In these 2+ years I've picked up Korean.  I study it because I want to, not because I Have to - or because it's something I feel obliged to do. I picked up singing. Studied Cantonese and hokkien for a while. I spent my school years mainly in music/arts-related activities, and always wished that i could have the self-assurance and confidence that the athletes and dancers had. I've dabbled in soccer, so that part was semi-covered.  But i wanted to push myself - in my mind always the dorky, awkward, chubby kid - to try dance. Normally associated with the elegant girls, the popular crowd.  So I dragged my ass to k-hip hop, with lots of trepidation.  Well I guess I still have a bit of 2 left feet. And no, I don't feel any more popular. But I learned to push myself in different ways, that I can try something and look silly and it's no bit deal coz we're all learning. What's more important is I tried and I learned more about myself and my body and how I deal with situations.

Now i find myself in situations where I try to get once-close(r) friends to go out - but the rest barely reply - or I find that their lives revolve around what's expected of them "I really should be working harder" "my director must think I'm horrible!" I do feel disappointed, because it's easy to let friendships of 3/4 of a decade slide and weaken, just by choices like these.  But everyone has priorities in life, and it guess this is theirs.  I'm probably a Very Distracted Trainee,  even by my training program's standards. But do I regret it?
Nope.

Coz I'd introduce myself to the world as: XXX, a child of God, still learning, ever curious, a bit of a daydreamer.....loves reading...likes drawing...loves music...likes making things pretty....good with her hands...oh by the way, she's also a physician who works as a ____.
Not XXX, trainee in ____ program....oh she enjoys traveling. And hanging out with friends. When she has time.



This won't make me the best _______ in the region, but I aim to be competent.  And have a fulfilling life outside.

Coz I learned during that 7 months - which the video reminded me of - that if one is unhappy and burned out, they have no more of themselves to give.  You have to love yourself first before loving others.... Remember how airplane announcements tell you to put your own life jacket on before helping others?

Some people may think it's selfish.  Maybe. And I do respect the people who can keep giving - whether sustaining themselves on ideals, or by god's providence..... In fact, my role model is one of them.  But I know that I'm no superman. And I can't live in a department and place that expects me to be one.

I'm glad I watched the video.

wives:husbands as assistant:surgeon

Feeling a little down today while contemplating the dearth of someone I can share my dreams with, I flipped to Boundless on my phone and started reading.

There were a few articles that alluded to the role of men and women in marriage. One of the things mentioned was that men were supposed to lead (the relationship, the combined growth in Christ, amongst others), and women were to complement his leadership and help him lead effectively.

Feminism or discussion about 'equal roles' aside, I kind of agree with that. I don't view myself as traditional, nor have I been brought up in an environment where females were seen but not heard, and played largely supplementary roles. If anything, I was brought up to believe that I can do my job and succeed in life as well as any other man. We competed on equal grounds all through life, and now in my career, there are numerous  examples of women doing as well as, and perhaps outshining, their male colleagues.

Perhaps it's the (still) firmly-rooted view among the older practitioners in my job that it's a man's world. Perhaps it's the not-so-secret knowledge that the male practitioners (which til recently, formed the majority in this industry) were viewed as more eligible and attractive compared to the few females who managed to climb their way to the top. It's the old generalization that male drs go for nurses. More so if you were a surgeon.

It suddenly struck me that the job of assisting a surgeon, drew a few parallels to the role a wife played to a husband (at least going by Boundless' advice). 

In my years learning to assist, I was taught that my purpose was to help the surgeon perform his job better and more easily. My younger self in the dental office was excited and eager to work in this world where people used their hands to create wonderful things. I wanted to try my hands at it, and I was confident that I could do something good with my hands. But starting out as an assistant, it was drummed into me to anticipate the surgeon's next move, and to provide for them. Fast forward to today, and being able to experience both roles, I can see the importance of being a good assistant - anticipating and thinking always about how to make the surgeon's life easier, being responsive and attentive, and sensitive to body language. A poor assistant can frustrate, obscure and distract from the goal.

It then seems no surprise that surgeons would be attracted to those who provide for and help them most at work - things nurses are trained for. In contrast, trainees are primed and conditioned towards showing a I-can-do-it attitude - and guys probably don't feel that they have much of a role to play to a self-sufficient, overly confident lady. I guess they like to feel that they can provide for a lady, who shows some vulnerability and some form of receipt in her life. (This is the topic of another Boundless article which calls on women to learn to receive, that is, to play the role of thankful receiver of a guy's care, instead of having the mentality that they can give and give and do everything by themselves).

I may have underrepresented the nuances behind the Boundless articles, and of course the views on the people in my job are generalizations...but it's definitely interesting to realize.