too much of a good thing

One of my biggest fears for this 5+ months of Once-in-a Lifetime freedom, is that I won't 'make the best of it' or accomplish what I wanted to do with it.

So the reason why I wanted to take up to a year off the rat race, was to re-focus on my inner self and who I was - instead of what society wanted us to do. To use the time to try a myriad of non-med stuff, to see what made me tick, and what I valued at work and in life.

Along the way I realized that there wasn't a better time in-between jobs to try something crazy like a language immersion program, so that's why the heck it let's go to Korea. But that wasn't my primary or first aim. Travel was never the aim. The long, long years ahead of me were the ultimate goal.

So lest I forget - and thanks to the article that gave me inspiration in the shower - the focus for these 5+ months will be Purposeful Learning and Open-minded Exploration.

Purposeful Learning: It's too easy to while away time hoping for a better life, or a different life, or clicking on random bits of interesting things on the web/phone (no thank you technology). And as contrived as it may be...learning may be more efficiently scheduled in my day if I make a sort of 'program' or 'schedule' for it. Coz I tend to procastinate and work in spurts of inspiration. Nothing much wrong too - overly structured environments put me off - but I guess a ballpark idea with leeway to work around would be a good way to start. And a step up would be purposeful learning - the best way to achieve mastery in something.

Open-minded Exploration: when I'm stuck in the little box labeled Things A D* Should Do, one really doesn't get much opportunity - or tend to think out of the box - to explore possibilities or worlds outside of it. Worlds that they possibly may excel in, really enjoy, or heck - even make a living out of - as an alternative to their current life.
But because we've spent most of our formative years steeped in a culture that pushed us a seek out a narrow goal - then reach the Perceived Pinnacle of Success in that, we don't really consider opportunities and have kinda lost the natural curiosity to explore other things. (Or we may dismiss them as being not possible/silly/we aren't good enough.) So this is a chance for me to get rid of such pre-conceived notions, and make a concerted effort to explore what I didn't have the chance to previously.



Okay some ideas for myself - 

• Main programs: (1) job-shadowing and (2) language learning
• Hobbies to devt: (1) photography
• Necessary evil: part-time work for the dough

Background learning (for lifelong habits).
additional time can be spent on each if i'm inspired to.

• Reading - 1h, 4-5d/wk. 
• Art / photography / design - 1h, 4d/wk.  purposeful learning/practice
• Finance / World knowledge - 1h, 3d/wk
• Exercise - 0.75h, 4-5d/wk
• Bible - 0.15h, 5d/wk

Reflection

• Daily - events, things learned, things that could be done better, prayer.
• Weekly - review
• Monthly - review

Was a bit ashamed to realized that I left out prayer in my initial schedule :( 

Okay this makes for approx 2h on weekdays and 3h on weekends on the above background learning. This is to be on top of the homework/self-study for language for school / work shifts / entertainment / meetups. plan sounds good :)

Respite (VI, by the way)

It's done. the 2 extra painful weeks back in the Mothership are over.

Perhaps I was somewhat insulated and slightly distant from it, and thus did not hear the bitching - I'm glad nonetheless.

PD wanted to meet me before I left, so I dragged myself over. today.
His spiel was that so I think you have lost your way a little bit....it comes across that you are just doing survival work and just want to clear the list....if you decide to come back, you need to put in more effort. your work performance has dropped and it's likely due to the lack of interest etcetc...
I'm not a fan of others 'diagnosing' or 'jumping the gun' based on amorphous non-specific examples, so i asked for specifics. after a few times of asking, he said no one wanted to check your CT Bs coz there were so many corrections to be made. If you come back you need to prove them wrong.

I was quite frustrated indeed - after 1 year of doing calls, and the once-off angry comments that my font size/font was wrong and you missed sinus mucosal thickening -it's important in headaches! and  you missed artherosclerosis in the angio, if you had more specific things I'd appreciate the feedback instead of bitching about it internally. So there are the silly things like 'font size different' which I have adjusted to after coming from other hospitals...and other things like missing a finding here and there which honestly, is expected - everyone will make mistakes - and happens to everyone including sr cons.
I was just frustrated about
1. How a few vocal noisemakers had influenced others' impressions about me over little things
2. If it were troubling you so much, why not tell me instead of bitching about it for a year? And taking the chance to call and bellow loudly in front of the department about small things
3. Since when are night calls not about survival? Do you mean you don't have the intention of clearing the list, but approach on-call work with a dignified unhurried air of academic enquiry? Come on. Our meals on call are in survival mode. Our sleep, if any, is fitful and light - ready to wake up and read more scans or attend to emergencies. The xrays and emergency scans are not undertaken leisurely - we are basically just trying to handle the work given to us.
4. Don't judge me if you haven't seen my usual day-to-day work as well as attitude. That's jumping the gun. And don't speculate on the causes for your (wrong) diagnosis.


Upon returning to N|HC I was quite upset for the rest of the afternoon. N finally asked me about it when I had to check scans with him, and out came my words tumbling over each other....about how I didn't want to struggle so long against the current (against current - as evidenced by my already uphill battle with exams, and the grumbling feedback i've gotten) and exit only to be viewed as a lousy con. He explained about taking opinions with a pinch of salt, and also depending on the person dishing it out. He also alluded to the more vocal ones in the group tending to make more noise - even if the opinions weren't that warranted....and that everyone has things to learn. I shared that I was discouraged by not getting through exams, and he was beside himself in frustration trying to explain that no, they aren't difficult and can be done. And i mentioned how it was frustrating being treated like a service, with no respect to our need for focus and concentration on call - he did a well-intentioned spiel on how it's difficult but it will pass.
And also mentioned that maybe PD did that spiel thinking that it would spur me on... uhhh okay
I showed him my webbie of photos and drawings and he got a shock and after a while declared that he was going to 'make me famous'. I was quite horrified and said please don't...the reason why I don't tell others about my hobbies is because they view it as frivolous/would be inclined to view me as a 'distracted resident' and pin it as an 'explanation' for bad results.

Thanks, N, for the pep talk. It means a lot to me, whether I stay or not.....you'll be a good dad to your kids! haha.
And thanks for seeing me as a person beyond exams! Thanks for appreciating my daily work (in the short few days I had when i returned to you all), my other interests....



Right now my main bugbears are:
I don't want to prove people wrong. I don't have to. I don't need to. It's sad living like that. And whether it's even worth the effort is arguable.....i don't have to - or need to - prove my worth.

The culture is just toxic. Words can hurt, and unfair judgement is uncalled for. If you're not happy - sure, you can vent - but keeping it to a little group and not telling the person won't change anything. Of course that's assuming you even want it to change - some others are just happy making noise about less than ideal circumstances and running others down.



Enjoy yourself and have a good rest! See you in 6 months'....
I'm not so sure, N....but i'll take the 6/12, treasure them a whole lot, and have a good think...whether it's worth suffering for this.

on choosing work.

'Finding your calling', or 'passion' - these have been bandied around too much these few days. Definitely overrated.

I think it oversimplifies the stressors of life, romanticizes the idea of work.....for many of us (yes, even in my comparatively-privileged circles) work is a necessity to pay the bills.

So when my program director asked if i 'still had the passion' for the field, and 'what my calling was', I didn't know how to respond. Not because I was stumped (well honestly I still don't know the answer), but I wanted to yell that life's not as simple as that.


At the very basic level, I think work needs to fulfill its function:
- pay the bills.

Then because I'm looking for more out of work, I also wish that it:
- is something that I'm good at
- is something that i'm appreciated for
- is something that benefits others (note: this should not restrict one to ideas of 'service' or traditionally 'altruistic' jobs. A baker can well benefit others by making wonderful cakes. )

And because an unhappy person is unlikely to produce good work, it should also:
- not be detrimental to my wellbeing.


That's it. Simple theory. Perhaps a tad idealistic. I know there are many who don't *love* doing administration or crunching numbers, and they don't feel that staring at spreadsheets benefits people.....but I do hope that I can fulfill those criteria and find a satisfying job.

Yes, i'm aware of the fact that I've been blessed with many options and the chance to choose.



As for the so you lost the passion for this field? question that keeps getting put to me,
I struggle to explain. Because passion ain't everything. The more enlightened people who aren't in the intoxicating puppy-love stage will know: love ain't everything.

An analogy would be such:

You meet a girl, she's pleasant and you feel that hey, this may lead to something. So you give it a try and see where it goes. You aren't playing with her feelings or anything, but I don't think that anyone would fault you from hesitating to say that 'ohmygawd this is the love of my life and I know it in my bones that she's the perfect match for me!!'.

So you give it three years. Through this time, you realize that although you guys hit it off really well in the first few months....she actually has an idea of what she wants you to be. Specifically, some kinda pro dancer guy. With all the cool moves. Actually she's had a history of going out with dancer types, and it kinda disturbs her that you're a tad different.

And you don't dance, but you try. You can learn a few moves, ain't the worst dancer around, but it's like a kind of expectation that you've to struggle to meet to keep her happy. Well you get along okay for the first year or two, but it's quite tiring to keep trying to live up to her expectations and show her that you can be the guy she wants you to be.

What you're really good at, is music. And singing. And drawing. In fact you're pretty great at all these, and your previous girlfriend actually loved you for exactly that. (but at that time she wanted you to dedicate your life to that industry - and you weren't quite prepared to, so you broke it off).
The current girl, however, doesn't quite care about what you're good at - in fact she views your propensity for those arty-farty stuff as a tad effeminate.

Oh, and your current girl has set some goals for you. To perform in dance competitions every year. You aren't quite on track - missed a competition or two - but you're going for dance classes and generally a good student. You defo feel judged though, looking at how all the other boys she dated were generally outstanding in that field. She doesn't quite care that it's not really who you are.

What should you do?


So here's what I think:
You need to choose your suffering. In other words, choose what you want to suffer for.

Is the current girl worth you trying constantly - perhaps for a lifetime - to work hard to live up to her standards? Are you content in the knowledge that you may not be 'good enough' in her eyes?
Are you prepared to forego your own likes, dislikes, and what you're really better at - to become something she wants you to be, and for what you feel is a possible future together with her?

Your ex also kinda hinted that she's willing to consider getting back together. But the old problem that caused the breakup still exists - you'll have to dedicate your life to that industry that she knows you're good at. At the moment though, you know that work ain't your whole life, and there's more that defines you than just doing the things you're good at for work.

Coz you also enjoy reading good books, lazing on the sofa with a dog or two (shoutout to Liz here), and generally having fun and a holistic life that's outside that little couple-world.

Parting gifts

I do believe that others sometimes see us clearer than we do/than we know ourselves. We do have our blind spots, our misconceptions, our (sometimes misguided) beliefs about ourselves and how we'd like to view ourselves. That's why I try - or my rational-other-brain tries to put the brakes on and ask Hey girl are you missing something here?

You've known me for "4 years, since 2012"...

"...strikes me as someone who is full of energy and curiosity, always wanting to learn more and do more"

"...is also very driven, and will do her best to achieve what she sets out to do. As such, she is able to get things done, and within the given time."

"Academically she has no problems coping with the demands of acquiring the necessary knowledge and qualifications for her medical training, and more. During ward rounds and academic discussions, she is able to present her assessments and opinions logically and intelligently."

"She likes to find things out for herself, and asks relevant questions. She is capable of independent learning. 

I've to say that i do value your opinion a lot; you're hands down my top role model in all my years of work - not because of just the technical genius, but also the self-sacrificing attitude - with a heart directed towards God. 

It is with much sadness that i concluded so many years back that i'm too weak by myself to be able to give so much of myself away, to serve as you do - that is why I did not follow in your footsteps. (of course, now i know that the strength comes not from within us, but from Him...oh well)

I know that i'm not supposed to base my self-worth on others' opinions of me; so i'm going to use this as much-appreciated feedback from a respected mentor, and also reminders of what to aim for, and what i may not realize i'm capable of. And a reminder of the blessings that God has given me: a wonderful opportunity to work with people who are happy to teach, guide (work- wise and personal-wise), and who are awesome role models, and who are affirmative and encouraging. 

I've been blessed indeed, although i may always realize it. ;)

Going home

Post-call and winding down after meeting a happy ex-lawyer for lunch (maybe not totally ex-, just happy in-house), g-liu called and asked to speak to me.

His concern was that while he was happy to write a favorable form for me, he felt that the admissions team would look askance as to my choice of academic referee: 1 month-long tutor, in the middle of uni. I sheepishly explained the need for an acad referee vs work referee, and how I couldn't ask my current bosses.


So that's how I ended up cabbing down to that pte hospital. Everything is still etched in my mind as it was just yesterday. Feeling fateful as I walked through the corridors, opened the doors to your clinic, saying hi to the CA who recognized me (but for the life of me I couldn't remember her name).

I uneasily sat across you and stammered as I tried to explain why I was here.

Where do I start?
What do I say?
How do I explain?
Which do I explain?

It all came out in a jumble: How I wasn't enjoying the current job - I think a convenient analogy about fussing over nodules was used to illustrate the excessively inward-looking vibe that I got (to which you protested that it was but a small part of the specialty). How I was planning to move into administration, keep options open.

You asked if it was necessary to leave clinical medicine. If I've considered other specialties - I said yes, I have... If i had considered other specialties- I said yes I declined IR and there's the option of uro RP. Then you asked what if I was offered residency.

There was a tangy silence that hung in the air for a few moments, before I exhaled and said, painfully, that it wouldn't solve the reason why I left in the first place: because I wanted to be more hands-on raising kids.

After some silence, you said It's okay, different people treasure different things in life, and it seems like I've already thought through my options, and that admin may provide the work life balance I'm looking for.

After a bit of jokes and half-serious teasing that you're wont to do,  and you explaining why YCJ was on the calendar cover (it did feel like the old days again, where I'd ask curious questions and you'd patiently answer them), we parted ways with a firm handshake and a smile.


I left the hospital and walked towards tanglin, tears welling up in my eyes.

Did you know that I never said goodbye to you all,  because I didn't want to mentally confirm to both you all and myself that I was really leaving? That I still really loved working there, and that it was because of circumstances - that I'm not sure you guys would misconstrue as lack of interest - that was the reason for me not joining? I called Jo and cried. He had wise words for me....and reminded me that you had worked very hard, and that I needed to be aware of the full picture.

On Friday I popped by your clinic to get the letter.: All the best, you said.