9 minutes

• '9 minutes!' I gasped. 'So long??'

It was around midnight and I was supposed to get my work done then get to sleep. Not watching a 9-minute video introducing a training program at a place that iw as never going to apply to.

But I clicked on it.

As the cheesy music and synchronized PowerPoint lettering danced with stock photos, I started to regret my decision almost immediately.

Then familiar photos started appearing. Foreign, yet familiar.

Photos of mangled digits and limbs, proudly emblazoned with the words This is What You Will Encounter At Night.
Photos of Department Epectations. Life goals. Self was right at the bottom - God first, then family, patients, department.....
Photos of smiling trainees working, learning, studying, basically - living with the rest of the department and colleagues. Having life revolve around work.
It will be hard,me video proclaimed. But we will suffer with you.


Then everything came rushing back.

I'm writing this - sprawled at a craft beer store - because I want to remember how I felt. How I felt as the past came rushing back. the feelings of helplessness and resignation as I was sucked into Yet Another Errand at work.  Yet Another Task. Another It Just Has to be Done. How I'd feel frustrated at myself, and the patients around me, for being demanding - how dare they keep asking for more - do they not understand we're already bending over backwards? How outings with friends were sessions with stolen time, to let off steam, complain about how things were going.  That is, if I was in a state of mind to dissociate myself from all post- shift tiredness.

Then I look at my life now:

In these 2+ years I've picked up Korean.  I study it because I want to, not because I Have to - or because it's something I feel obliged to do. I picked up singing. Studied Cantonese and hokkien for a while. I spent my school years mainly in music/arts-related activities, and always wished that i could have the self-assurance and confidence that the athletes and dancers had. I've dabbled in soccer, so that part was semi-covered.  But i wanted to push myself - in my mind always the dorky, awkward, chubby kid - to try dance. Normally associated with the elegant girls, the popular crowd.  So I dragged my ass to k-hip hop, with lots of trepidation.  Well I guess I still have a bit of 2 left feet. And no, I don't feel any more popular. But I learned to push myself in different ways, that I can try something and look silly and it's no bit deal coz we're all learning. What's more important is I tried and I learned more about myself and my body and how I deal with situations.

Now i find myself in situations where I try to get once-close(r) friends to go out - but the rest barely reply - or I find that their lives revolve around what's expected of them "I really should be working harder" "my director must think I'm horrible!" I do feel disappointed, because it's easy to let friendships of 3/4 of a decade slide and weaken, just by choices like these.  But everyone has priorities in life, and it guess this is theirs.  I'm probably a Very Distracted Trainee,  even by my training program's standards. But do I regret it?
Nope.

Coz I'd introduce myself to the world as: XXX, a child of God, still learning, ever curious, a bit of a daydreamer.....loves reading...likes drawing...loves music...likes making things pretty....good with her hands...oh by the way, she's also a physician who works as a ____.
Not XXX, trainee in ____ program....oh she enjoys traveling. And hanging out with friends. When she has time.



This won't make me the best _______ in the region, but I aim to be competent.  And have a fulfilling life outside.

Coz I learned during that 7 months - which the video reminded me of - that if one is unhappy and burned out, they have no more of themselves to give.  You have to love yourself first before loving others.... Remember how airplane announcements tell you to put your own life jacket on before helping others?

Some people may think it's selfish.  Maybe. And I do respect the people who can keep giving - whether sustaining themselves on ideals, or by god's providence..... In fact, my role model is one of them.  But I know that I'm no superman. And I can't live in a department and place that expects me to be one.

I'm glad I watched the video.