4+ months on

I guess I've subconsciously been putting off writing this: part of me fears that I won't be able to pen down all the nuances of how I feel about this on paper - and once I write and relegate thoughts on this topic to a diary, it'll all be forgotten.... At least if I put off writing, the (garbled, un-explored) thoughts are kept close to my heart...


It's been 4+ months since 7th? March, since that day you spontaneously decided to go to supper after your gym session. We went for bean curd and breakfast fare (also typical supper fare) at Selegie, and I didn't want to go home so you drove to MB - my first time there - and we watched clouds, counted stars, and gazed at our city skyline.


We never went out again after. I don't know why - or what you were thinking - despite what you said. Perhaps whatever reason you gave wasn't important - as we say, it wouldn't change the management - because the outcome was the same: it was a no, and nothing was gonna happen.

I've analyzed the events of that day - and everything that happened in those crazy 2 months - over and over in my head.

I really thought I was over it, but tears are rolling down my cheeks now. What am I sad about, anyway? We started as strangers, and our lives intertwined in a twist of fate - burned ever so brightly for that brief moment - before we were plunged back into darkness again, alone. Back to square one. Technically, we haven't lost anything. But I guess it was that brief glimpse of a dream, illuminated by that rapidly-burning flame, that makes (made? I hope) me grieve for what could have been.

The way you looked at me that night haunts me. Did you know that I was aware of your lingering gaze, as I dreamily surveyed the ocean in the night breeze? I was definitely enjoying the moment and lost in my thoughts; I was also cognizant of your gaze. What was that look? Was it a look of tenderness? Regret? Realization that it would not be, for whatever reason you came up with? What were you thinking?
I don't think i'll ever know, and neither will you tell me.


There are many things that I would've liked to share with you about the 4 months, (but I need to stop thinking this way and let go.)

I've temporarily stopped language classes and singing classes. I've changed my dance studio, put myself out of my comfort zone to try a more 'serious' learning environment.

I've thought about my career path a thousand times, and though I'm no more confident about my choices, I'm putting my foot out to take a step. I'm seeking the o-kay for registration to practice at 2 other countries, though I may not end up using them. I've somewhat explored grad school choices overseas - the gamut, from the old flirting with d3ntistry, to business, to administration; in both Europe, US, and Asia.
And one day at work I decided that the soonest I would leave my current post would be in half to a year's time.

I've made myself go out with other guys, to give others (and myself) another chance to fall in love again. (But I can't help comparing them to a time when thoughts would meet in synchrony and either person could guess effortlessly what the other was thinking.) To that, I've prayed daily - to sooth and take away that aching pain: it's much reduced, and i'm thankful for that. I've lost count of the times I've poured everything into praying for Him - and you - to give us a chance. I no longer pray those two lines so fervently now: perhaps it's called quiet realization and resignation. But if you're wondering, I still do mutter them, telling myself to keep them half-hearted, so I don't hope for too much.



I've looked on July half with trepidation and half with expectancy: perhaps deep inside, I hoped that you'd rekindle something after your exams were over: I had told myself that that was probably the obstacle between you and commitment. Bullshit, probably. If a guy wants something enough, he'd get it, no? Maybe it was just the amalgamation of circumstances: looming exams, (kinda) recent failure of a long-term relationship, probable component of a re-bound, the niggling fears that came with how fast we fell for each other. I probably won't know the true answer.

I wonder if you know the answer yourself - or whether you have ever acknowledged it, beyond the turbulent thoughts that we are both so prone to. 


Do you remember the US course we ended up meeting at, almost 3 months after the last time we met? End May. I remember walking into the room late - and when I realized you were sitting there, my heart dropped to the floor. You looked quietly panicky, too. I guess all your years of training to deal with crises...had their limits (haha). After an initial awkward dance of avoidance and quietness around each other, we settled on a few tentative exchanges, in a group setting, over the food breaks. Towards the end of the one-day course there was a gloss of this-is-back-to-friendly-normal over it, and you offered to send me back. I remember you sharing (rather tentatively) that you 'didn't have' travel plans for the 2nd half of the year. Silly me had a quiet hope that somehow - if something worked out, we could travel together...I didn't mind quitting my training...or taking long leave. (Silly me.)


Did you know I went slightly ga-ga over this pretty girl in your department? I walked into you guys at the lift lobby, where I had the chance to observe a few seconds of her interacting (in an overly friendly vs flirtatious) with you. It went all the way to my work - I'd stiffen up when I saw her name on the request form, to my colleagues - my poor one-time IB mates were honed in on her after a HTH sharing session one day when I reached out to them, to trawling fb and inst@gram for hints that you guys were seeing each other. In fact, when I ended up at your department one day for an injury, the realization that she was smiling at her phone whilst working - and that you were on wh@tsapp at the very same time (thanks to the timestamp) - put me into more pain than my injury.


I still sometimes find myself searching the roads and straining to look inside small light-colored hatchbacks. I can't remember the exact color though. Champagne? It never mattered much to me anyway, I was usually excited by whoever was in it, heh. I find myself being a little overly eagle-eyed at the subway station near your house; or on the surrounding roads. It's less than during those painful few months, thankfully.

When I catch a glimpse of the star-filled night sky on the way home, I used to be racked with pain, thinking about how much you'd have liked it too. I would wonder if you were at home on your balcony, looking at the same stars at that very moment. I have less of such thoughts now, though I still trip and fall into the abyss of such thoughts occasionally.


Oh and I do wonder what what's up with the spotify list you created. I know you set it up just 2 days before sharing it with me - and added all the songs at the same time. But you've been listening to this music for some time. Did you create it just to share it with me? Perhaps it was just that you discovered the program a few days ago.

But I know you listen to songs on youtub3 too. Do you have playlists there? It's so easy to create another list on spotify. Why do you still add to the list with me as a follower? and the songs.......I remember searching for an english translation to the lyrics with a sinking heart each time you added a new song during those painful months. What was going through your head? If the songs spoke what you felt, you were confused, turbulent, regretful, but decided to let go, then had second thoughts..

Or maybe you just added the songs coz you liked how they sounded, or the lyrics. And it had no other purpose. Maybe you just treated the list as an avenue to share music with me, as you felt that I might have liked it. Perhaps you don't even realize - or maybe don't really care - that I'm still following the playlist - albeit being the only follower.

Perhaps you've told yourself that I've moved on.




It's time to sleep now. In my usual fashion these few months.....as I crawl into bed (at some unearthly hour), I pray with the last vestiges of my consciousness - try to give thanks for the blessings of the day, pour out my troubles that i'm having, and hardships I want to dedicate to Him. I also pray that He'll give us a chance - and that you'll give us a chance, if He wills.


But if this is to fade away to another memory, I hope that you'll remember it as fondly as I do. Don't ever, ever feel sorry for me, or think that you left me in a worse state. Don't be childish and think that you were protecting me from potential hurt, when you chose to leave. I chose to love, and i'm glad I did - and I will continue to choose to love. I learned about myself and about others, and about life and love. I hope I touched you in some way. I'm thankful I met you.