stumbling on memories

I'm trawling through my external HDD in an attempt to find a tutorial group photo to jolt the memory of an ex-tutor/find some old documents.

Opening up the photos from 2009 - a good 6 years ago - photos of us suddenly appear, slotted amongst the other photos of my classmates and i horsing around.

What strikes me is that i can't care less about how pimply or unfashionable i looked during my school days - but all i realized was that i looked happy. and you looked happy. You're your usual boyish down-to-earth self, and we're making those stupid funny faces and i'm pouting. I used to be way more self-conscious about how i looked, and i recognize the slight awkwardness in the way the girl in the photo posed and smiled. But hey, she didn't feel ugly in front of the boy who took the photos. 

Set after set of photos come up, folders playfully labelled with our pet names for each other. 

Then I realize how much things have changed -

it's 6 years on, and you're getting married next month. Once upon a tim we (unwisely) promised to be each others' 'special friend' forever, but the current reality is far from it - it's impratical and unfair to the people who will be significant others in our lives. I've been through more short-lived ill-fated heartbreaks than i think my heart and spirit can bear, some of which you know about, too - because i get so heartbroken i turn to you (of all people) for wise advice.

In fact, these photos were taken 1-2 years after we 'broke up' - after I broke up the relationship - because I couldn't imagine an intimate life together. 

Til now, i'm not quite sure whether i made a silly mistake. So at the grand old age of 20 I decide that I wasn't (at that point in time) as physically attracted as i thought a person should be - and I couldn't imagine progressing to marriage like that. Perhaps it was an excuse for something else, for attraction i felt to other people. So I broke up with the person i still consider to be the one who understands me the best: used to, 'til we inevitably drifted apart, because your then-girlfriend now-fiance (rightly) felt uncomfortable with how intellectual close we remained to each other.

I can't help but be drawn to the unabashedly real emotions on the photos. Youth, perhaps? in the meantime Spotify manages to reach one of the most heartwrenching songs possible for this moment, and i can't help collapsing into tears:

地方對 年份錯 都遺憾
人海中心 如捉伊因 卻沒法抱緊
日子對 名字錯 不幸
掏盡幾多光陰 不襯便不襯
誰要花一生尋遍遠近 那個散落的吻
已預約於這地球等

是對的 終於會碰到
是錯的 不管再美好
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

耀眼的 即使似瑰寶
但已經有別人擁抱
一早編好的情人 早晚 始終會等到

埋怨相識他遲了半秒 錯過美妙心跳
你遇過的心動人物 有生一天總找對了

是錯的 再動人
纏著錯的 難免徒勞
一個接一個 也沒有結果
方知海闊天高

是你的 終於會碰到
別太早 替未來苦惱
只差一點好時辰 主角始終會等到
苦澀只不過鼓舞

After all the times i came all scarred and bloody from heartbreak inflicted by other people, I'm not sure if you'll ever ever know how much you meant to me - and how much i treasure those memories.

Thank you for having loved this very flawed person, for growing together with me, for continuing to care for me as a friend now, for helping me to grow into the woman i am. I hope you forgive me for the hurt i've inflicted, and I hope you continue to grow into the wise man that you've turned out to be. 

Have a blessed marriage, and i'm sincerely happy for the journey you've embarked on.