Filing memories, 3

I'm sitting in a cafe one road from the joint where we first met to have pizza.

I admit, I did walk past the joint once or perhaps twice, half hoping to catch a glimpse of him - yet half hoping I wouldn't. What would I do if I saw him with some other girl? I turn the thoughts about in my head, envisioning myself walking in. Stand wordlessly in front of them? Sarcastic outburst? How would it serve me? How would that serve us? Would it make a difference?

Perhaps, so it would kill my hopes once and for all. 

But as we ask in our job, how would that change management? Didn't he give me an answer already? 

Still, my eyes wander out of the window, silently searching the roads for a silver car 

.....

But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “…believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in– but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.
- from Utmost from His Highest
...

+ Refreshing honesty: (but not sure if that's always the best policy)

We talked a lot. Messages and their replies would shoot back within seconds of reading them. Heck, even my girlfriends said we talked a lot (and this is coming from girls).

And I enjoyed talking. I think he did, too. He said it himself, insinuated it when he observed aloud that we were talking past midnight yet again...

What did we talk about? We shared opinions on things that were happening, a bit of clever exchanges here and there, a bit of teasing... but most of all, the impression that I got from our conversations was: This was a person who was more mature emotionally than most of the people I'd talk to, and was comfortable with sharing his viewpoints and discussing and bouncing off ideas; communication was easy and natural; who had seen a bit of the world, loved and lost, but yet was not jaded; who was on the same wavelength, had a very similar sense of humor; fun-loving, able to laugh at himself and the world around him, yet able to be serious and get down to work when it mattered.

Somehow, we understood without much effort what each other meant, and understood how each other felt and the reasons for our actions and our thoughts. I still think it's amazing to have hit it off with such ease in such a short time - even as I am aware of the deceptive feelings of familiarity that the initial rushes of love - or dare I say, infatuation - objectively, it was an excellent level of communication that we had.


Well so along the way I kinda hinted that I liked him - as I recall now how it started with the cheesy admission from me that 'I'm not keen to blame people from my insomnia'  I can't help but cringe amidst the smile. We went on to discuss our feelings and our take on relationships rather openly. Of course not quite in the third-party sense - which would be kinda detached and weird - but with seemingly honest upfront admissions of our weaknesses, dreams, and goals.

Along the way he did mention-
he wasn't sure of himself, but he feels I was the right one,
he's 'definitely' over his ex (so they were close to marriage but that didn't work out around Sept-Oct the previous year)
that he's 'got exclusion criteria but there doesn't seem like any issue with you' - that was kinda unsolicited and dorky-cute
and sharing plans like -
he'd want to have a son and daughter and a cat to watch stars on the balcony together (and added in a dog after I said dogs were nicer)...though when asked about the wife he said there was no one so he didn't wanna speculate
that I was insecure and needed someone to 'lovingly squash my xtd-ness'
on finding out that I spent the day doing my laundry and ironing and dishes and cooking, he'd comment out aloud that he needed such a person in his life. (of course, thinking back, that could have been just an off-the-fly comment)

So I may have very well been over-thinking and reading too much into things. Perhaps some individuals share very personal goals such as these with people whom they know like them, but don't consider it anything more than like, casually talking about plans for the weekend.

He did mention that he didn't want me to wait for him, and that a nice girl like me deserved someone ___(insert positive adjective). Heck, he even went as far as to say that I was nice and wouldn't have a problem 'marrying someone rich and nice' and that he 'doesn't have any girl who likes him'. While I'm rolling my eyes and fuming away - well I did eventually give up protesting.


There are so many specifics and screenshots that I have, but it's still a little raw for me to go through them to read the specifics to summarize. Do I need to? And how would it, change management? '

It probably wouldn't change any outcome, but it's the same reason why I kept text messages on my ancient 2G Nokia phones - all these little exchanges carry the essence of the emotions and mood felt at that point in time, and just reading them could transport you back into the very spot and time when everything occurred, with all the rawness of the present .


So after that fateful day of movies, cocktails, and trip to TT, the exchanges got slightly lesser and lesser, with hints of reticence in it and reduction in replying.

We have many talks about it. A number of them would end in me being semi-upset - I don't remember the exact trigger anymore, except that it was almost as if he was trying to make me angry with particular triggers - and he'd end up cajoling me to figuratively to 'go to the supermarket'. It still makes me smile, because it was from an conversation that he found out that I liked aimlessly wandering happily around grocery aisles.
I did feel on multiple occasions that I had to defend my like for him, that it wasn't something bimbotic or poorly-thought-over or reckless. I debated it with my girlfriends, who asked hard-hitting questions like - Do you really like him so much? So fast?

I haven't met someone who's so much on the same wavelength that I can talk hours and hours with. Without trying. Besides my ex.
I wouldn't call it love coz it's like over a week. 
Just that I think it's worth exploring, there's a huge like and lotsa sparks...
And for my ex we didn't even hit it off that well, It was after many years of learning how to communicate


Perhaps being too upfront about my feelings had caused some awkwardness, or it has evoked the dreaded 'overenthusiastic female' viewed with derision by guys...

Nonetheless, I am thankful for the opportunity to be upfront and candid with our feelings - now I know what good communicating feels like.