As I try to let go to protect my heart, part of me wants to keep the memories because of how special they were... It is a constant battle of letting go, and wanting to hold on.
Perhaps writing them down would 'offload' them to a medium that would allow for remembrance, yet take away the shadow it casts on my heart. But is writing in a diary healthy? I don't know. It's like a wound that has just started to scab over - the dried blood keeping it from oozing now. Re-accessing the memories will mean re-experiencing the tumultous feelings, the ups and downs; turning the feelings around in my mouth and re-tasting the sweet and tart and sourness of it all.
Here goes:
+ meeting you
I met you in the week before April 16th. I remember there was this tall guy attached to my procedure room. As I was still rather new and trying to get my hands-on training in order, having to teach/guide someone was quite the last thing on my mind. So through a couple of self-effacing exchanges about work, choices in life- and I realized you probably could locate the spleen better than I could - I went away thinking hey, this guy is easy to talk to, candid, honest and upfront, with a modest grin.
After 1-2 days of seeing you around, and deliberately kajiao-ing w1 when he administered you the final test - I was pleasantly surprised to see you on a saturday. So I guess you didn't know, but I spent the rest of the saturday wondering what your name was (yes I don't catch chinese names well) and had to look through the company directory. One thing led to another and I randomly asked my girls' chat if they knew who you were, and if you were swingin' single - and A did. She did a bit of snooping 'Live' - as the two juniors looked on with bated breath - and to my horror, asked you straight out in the end.
So we decided to go for coffee on the Monday after. I know you did it out of politeness then, and a 'just make a new friend' attitude.
+ first coffee
Feb 16th.
I was done by half-day and waited around til you were done. Met in the carpark, you suggested pizza instead of coffee? Briefly considered prata..
Found ourselves wandering around T area halfheartedly - our hearts more fluttery and definitely food wasn't the first thing on our minds (ok at least it wasn't on mine. After settling down with beers and waiting for pizzas....we just started chatting.
And kept chatting. I didn't even realize time passed so fast. We talked about current lives, past hobbies... I don't even remember what exactly we talked about - but the beauty of it was, it never felt forced. At least for me, I was genuinely interested in getting to know you. What had initially started off as a whim of "is-he-single" - turned into the realization that hey, here's a person I can talk easily with.
So after a coupla hours - my phone stashed in my bag - you dropped me home and I opened my phone to a deluge of oh-my-it-was-so-long?? messages. Hold your horses, girls! It was a good chat, but too early to say anything.
I can't remember what made us talk again that night, but I do remember that we ended up messaging late into the night, sharing kpop videos and bantering. First late night.
+ The days that followed
This was the new year weekend, with a relatively short workweek and a long weekend.
I don't remember much of how each day went, apart from texting during the day when I could squeeze time - and texting late into the night.
It's been a while since I've sat on a chair, oblivious to my surroundings, smiling at phone (so it used to be a phone call a decade ago). Hours merging into one another, and feeling torn between replying the stream of texts and getting on with my life (y'know, bathe, dishes, prepare meals...)
+ New year weekend
So I had plans to hang out with my girlfriends for the New Year. After we parted ways, I had plans to study for the upcoming exams.
I remember walking along the main road bordering the new malls (sorry, the malls not figuring much on my mind again) and you decided that you wanted to sing KTV. And insisted so.
Now, at that time I had taken a short break from classes, with my holidays and all, and wasn't too keen on how I sounded not-my-best. My phone was dying anyway and I settled at a new discovery of a very quaint Starbucks.
Being the spontaneous person you are - and how once you set your mind on something you would be quite driven to get it - you did all the legwork and found a place that had a slot for KTV (on a public holiday and at night, mind you. I definitely have to give you credit for that).
So, studying hopes dashed - and I should have realized that this wouldn't be the first time. (Not that I'd have minded.) You decided to smuggle in a bottle of alcohol and we booked the suite for 3h - horrors. Even with like-minded girlfriends it was tiring and slightly torturous to sing for 3h!
But we sang. and there was definitely the initial awkwardness and oh-my-gosh-i-sound-horrible kind feelings but the hours kinda flew by. Side note: it was a little cold and I remember taking your jacket towards the end (grin).
When the session drew to a close we were both shocked that time had passed that fast. Of course, part of me was still mildly horrified as I didn't sound my best that day. But I think we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. Did it mean something? I'd like to think so, but I know we shouldn't read to much - but surely it should count for something, no?
..
I know what you all are thinking. I must be in love with the Idea of Being In Love. (let's put away all the screams of "is this even love?" first.
Well to the concern above - I've been spending enough time by myself and observed others in 'relationships' - to know the perks and downsides of both sides of the coin.
And still, you got me.
Perhaps after making one round and seeing many bad apples, I now appreciate the miracle of such an easy connection, and shared likes. It's the feeling of not having to make much of an effort, but just more or less saying what was on our mind (at least for me)....and being myself.
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