I self-limit the length of my posts, because each post digs up memories which aren't exactly things I would want to wallow in. Yet I continue, because I am afraid that I will forget all the complex feelings and happiness and tears that these short few weeks have led us to have.
...
+ Movie, impromptu
We'd talked about my friend T and how she was contemplating backing out from her engagement. We'd discussed aroud the issue - so far you shared that you knew how the guy felt, having been in a similar situation; you seemed pretty satisfied by my take on the issue, and we seemed to have very similar takes on relationships.
So one day I had dinner with the the group of girlfriends responsible for starting all of these off.
After I got home from dinner you insisted on hearing my take on the issue. I remember groaning as I really wanted to bathe but the messages were coming in fast and furious. You wanted to go for a third? fourth? round of drinks and I had work the next day - but yes I was willing to go out after some persuasion. But you decided not to - and that you had kept me up for long enough.
So you decided as a way of saying sorry - you'd give me a lift to work the next day.
Boy was I taken aback. It was your off day, and even if it wasn't - I didn't like the idea of troubling you to go to such lengths. But no you wanted to.....and possibly watch B*man the next day.
So I got up the next morning, nervous and not quite sure what to expect, and packed an equal share of bread & grapes for your breakfast. And you turned up at the gate, and off we went.
I don't remember much of the journey because I was too happy just savoring the moment. I think we went down Bartley and all that....and the journey was too short..
You dropped me off at the basement so I could get in through the 'secret door' I'd told you about. I awkwardly left the grapes and bread for your on the dashboard and scurried off...
Having overlooked the fact that the door was only a one-way exit - and not entrance - I had to make a detour to get up by the usual lift.
w1 saw us - I'd have much to hear from him in the future. cgs too - he was apparently excited about apparently being able to go in through the one-way door...
My half-day finished soon enough, and I flew down by cab to the movie. I still remember the nervousness on the long escalator up to the theater, trying to calm my nerves and walk nonchalantly to the door. Yes, i eat popcorn. Am alright with either flavor.
We sat in quiet silence during the movie. You laughed at time, I didn't get some references and had to ask you a few times. You leaned in to talk - and I still remember the blush and my heart in my mouth. I reached into the popcorn tub, hand lingering dangerously close to yours, but you politely withdrew and let me get my share. Maybe towards the end there was a millisecond longer of lingering, dangerously close forearms, the acute awareness of our closeness.
Then the movie was over. (there was the occasional awkward sex scene.) We discussed it a little - I'm starting to enjoy these sharing of thoughts with you - and I had to go to TT to settle some family stuff. So we took the met together, awkwardly balancing in a sea of bobbing people.
I tried to sneak you in without a card but I remember not being able to get past the 2nd floor.
I cant remember what transpired after that. Perhaps you became quiet? I think you first verbalized your concerns that you didn't want to -
- lead me on, apparently, because you weren't sure of yourself.
- wasn't sure it was the right timing
- "..."
and that you said, in varying ways, and in varying forms....that
- while you weren't sure of yourself, you were sure of me
- you didn't know what invisible force made you talk to me night after night, into the early hours of the morning.
- you had to find problems with our how we were doing.
Yes, we did progress (in infatuation) fast. I probably said a few things that, when looked at in certain ways, would sound like I did not save dignity for myself. It's as if acknowledging outright that I liked you would be lacking in respect for myself; that I should have played it coy.
I still don't know if i regret being as open as I was. Because I was honest with you and honest to myself: by showing enthusiasm for what was turning out to be a more wonderful-than-expected connection. The bantering that ensued arose from somehow being able to understand each other and the way we thought.
Was it a false sense of reassurance? Perhaps. But having met many in my job and people from different parts of life - though admittedly, not as much as you - I have to say that this kind of chemistry and understanding is hard to fake.
We knew something good when we saw it, didn't we? You lamented about the sparks that flew, and the potential it had...and how hard it was to find such a connection.
I do realize that the recurring theme for all these outings were - you decide suddenly to meet - usually plans are made suddenly and late at night - and I'd relent go happily along with it. Are these a bad thing? I'm not sure. There is something about being wary of last-minute plans from a guy, and constantly rearranging your schedules around them right? Does this count?
Perhaps I'm making excuses for these and counting them as 'spontaneity'? But I do think I like the spontaneity, I really do appreciate it....having met people who did not take the lead, this was refreshing and nice.
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